(24) One who spares the rod hates their child; those who love their children discipline them early.
(15) Rod and reproof produce wisdom, But a child out of control is a disgrace to their mother.
(18) Discipline your child while there is still hope, and do not set your heart on their destruction.
(6) Train a child according to their way; then they will not swerve from it even in old age.
Scripture states: One who spares the rod hates their child. . . (Prov. 13:24). This teaches you that whenever a person fails to chastise their children, they will ultimately act wickedly, and [the parent] will come to despise them. We find this to be so in the case of Ishmael, who behaved fondly toward his father, who failed to chastise him, and he thus went astray. As a result, Abraham began to despise him, and drove him empty-handed from his home.
The love of sons and daughters is necessitated by nature, for they are the bone from our bone and flesh of our flesh. But one must take care that this love does not overturn boundaries, that [the parent(s)] do not make their child suffer. Solomon has already said in his wisdom (Proverbs 13:24): One who spares the rod hates their child; those who love their children discipline them early. Therefore, parents should be careful to behave toward their children with open rebuke and hidden love. . . But the parent should take care not to be cruel to their child and not to hit them and give them a bruise out of anger. Rather they should lead with gentleness and mercy, hitting [the child] in the legs, not on a place where they will sustain a wound like between the eyes.
One who spares the rod hates their child; those who love their children discipline them early: This verse is the source of the popular expression “spare the rod and spoil the child.” The question was, are people taking this verse too literally? How do the classical commentators explain it? Disappointingly, though perhaps not surprisingly, most of the commentators don't read it as just a metaphor, it literally refers to disciplining one’s child. But that still doesn’t mean that one should strike one’s child with a stick. In fact, it very much doesn’t.
You see, the Torah was written to be understood by the audience that received it. It speaks about loading donkeys, oxen treading grain, and women delivering babies on birthing stools – things to which most of us cannot relate. It doesn’t talk about DNA or black holes or flatscreen TVs because these are concepts that would have been incomprehensible to the original recipients. Similarly, if King Solomon (the author of Proverbs) wanted to discuss disciplining children, he was going to use corporal punishment as his illustration because time-outs didn’t exist, and I suspected that neither did grounding or docking allowances. . .
So, yes. “Spare the rod” literally means that we do our children a disservice if we permit them to run rampant. As King Solomon wrote, one who loves his children is quick to correct their behavior. But the “rod” part is literary license. Even if that meant a literal rod in King Solomon’s day (and I don’t know that it did), it ultimately means an appropriate form of correction in each generation. But whatever the case may be, harsher-than-necessary means are considered cruel and should therefore be avoided.
“The right hand draws near and the left hand pushes away.” (Sanhedrin, 107b)
King Solomon warned one who spares the rod hates their child. Yet as naturally loving parents, we often wonder: How much discipline and how to discipline? We do it with the less dominant hand—“the left hand.”
Our sages emphasize numerous times that the left hand pushes away. Discipline should be implemented rarely, and we can influence our children more if we approach them b’darchei noam—pleasantly and peacefully. The Rambam advises that it is best to take the middle path, and urges them to always “consider what you are going to say before letting the words escape.” Yes, that does suggest that we parents should stop yelling (present company included)
Jewish psychologists and parenting experts recommend keeping ratios in mind to help us apply the aforementioned statement from the Talmud. Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggest an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests “one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).” Whatever ratio works for you and your individual child, the message is clear: Temper the discipline with a heavy dose of love.
Jewish psychologist and parenting expert Wendy Mogel points out in The Blessing of a Skinned Knee that children “will only accept your guidance and heed your advice if they respect you. ... If you don’t teach your children to honor you, you’ll have a very hard time teaching them anything else.” By honoring their parents, children will be more likely to respect authority, the older generation, and in turn, make the leap from family to community. Their reward will thus be length in days to contribute to this world.