Excerpt from The Man They Wanted Me To Be by Jared Yates Sexton
What was amazing, other than my father's apparent transformation, was that Dad, seemingly exhausted by years of near-silence, began to speak openly about the burden of masculinity.
He told me that the expectations he'd carried, as a father, as a son, as a man, had sabotaged all his relationships and prevented him from expressing himself, or really enjoying intimacy, emotionally or intellectually, his entire life.
Shocked at the depth of frustration and despair my dad had suffered, I listened and realized, for the first time, that the masculinity I'd sought, the masculinity I'd been denied was an impossibility. Deep down, I realized that masculinity, as I knew it, as it was presented to me, was a lie. [...]
The masculinity that's being sold, that's being installed via systemic abuse, is fragile, because, again, it is unattainable. Humans are not intended to suppress their emotions indefinitely, to always be confident and unflinching. Traditional masculinity, as we know it, is an unnatural state, and, as a consequence, men are constantly at war with themselves and the world around them.
Questions:
- Sexton is describing a specific social milieu (rural Indiana) that may not be where you're from. But are there elements of his description of masculinity that seem to apply more generally to other cultures within the United States?
- Does Sexton's description of masculinity as an "unnatural state" resonate with you personally?
Excerpt from bell hooks' The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love:
It is not true that men are unwilling to change. It is true that many men are afraid to change. It is true that masses of men have not even begun to look at the ways that patriarchy keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. To know love, men must be able to let go of the will to dominate. They must be able to choose life over death. They must be willing to change.
- What pressures do you think make men "afraid to change"?
- Does the phrase "choose life" make sense to you when you think about overcoming traditional conceptions of masculinity?
(1) I love because YHVH hears my voice, my pleas; (2) because He turns His ear to me whenever I call. (3) The bonds of death encompassed me; the torments of Sheol overtook me. I came upon trouble and sorrow (4) and I invoked the name of YHVH, “O YHVH, save my life!” (5) YHVH is gracious and beneficent; our God is compassionate. (6) YHVH protects the simple; I was brought low and He saved me. (7) Be at rest, once again, O my soul, for YHVH has been good to you. (8) You have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. (9) I shall walk before YHVH in the lands of the living. (10) I trust [in YHVH]; out of great suffering I spoke (11) and said rashly, “All men are false.” (12) How can I repay YHVH for all His bounties to me? (13) I raise the cup of deliverance and invoke the name of YHVH (14) I will pay my vows to YHVH in the presence of all His people. (15) The death of His faithful ones is grievous in YHVH’s sight. (16) O YHVH, I am Your servant, Your servant, the son of Your maidservant; You have undone the cords that bound me. (17) I will sacrifice a thanksgiving offering to You and invoke the name of YHVH. (18) I will pay my vows to YHVH in the presence of all His people, (19) in the courts of the house of YHVH, in the midst of Jerusalem. Hallelujah.
Close reading of Psalm 116:
1. The psalmist before transformation:
- (10) out of great suffering I spoke (11) and said rashly, “All men are false."
- (3) The bonds of death encompassed me; the torments of Sheol overtook me. I came upon trouble and sorrow
- (6) I was brought low
- (8) You have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
Questions:
- What is the problem the psalmist is describing?
- To what extent (or not) does this problem resemble contemporary problems with masculinity?
2. The method for transformation:
- (4) I invoked the name of YHVH, “O YHVH, save my life!”
Questions:
- How does the psalmist hope to achieve salvation?
- Does it resonate with you that the stakes are so high for the psalmist?
- What does it mean to call out to God in the context of masculinity?
3. Descriptions of God:
- (2) He turns His ear to me whenever I call.
- (5) YHVH is gracious and beneficent; our God is compassionate.
Questions:
- Does this conception of God resonate with you? Is the psalmist painting too rosy of a picture of God?
- What could this mean for people who don't believe in God?
4. The product of transformation:
- (16) You have undone the cords that bound me.
- (7) Be at rest, once again, O my soul, for YHVH has been good to you.
- (8) You have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
- (9) I shall walk before YHVH in the lands of the living.
- (1) I love because YHVH hears my voice, my pleas; (2) because He turns His ear to me whenever I call.
- (19) Hallelujah.
Questions:
- Does this sense of jubilation following liberation resonate with you in terms of our discussion of masculinity?
- Once the psalmist is liberated, what happens?
5. Gratitude to God for transformation:
- (12) How can I repay YHVH for all His bounties to me? (13) I raise the cup of deliverance and invoke the name of YHVH (14) I will pay my vows to YHVH in the presence of all His people.
- (17) I will sacrifice a thanksgiving offering to You and invoke the name of YHVH. (18) I will pay my vows to YHVH in the presence of all His people, (19) in the courts of the house of YHVH, in the midst of Jerusalem. Hallelujah.
Questions:
- The emotion in these descriptions of thanks is palpable. What do we make of this outpouring of thanks in the context of our discussion of masculinity?