What kind of child do we want to raise?
(יב) כַּבֵּד אֶת אָבִיךָ וְאֶת אִמֶּךָ לְמַעַן יַאֲרִכוּן יָמֶיךָ עַל הָאֲדָמָה אֲשֶׁר ה' אֱלֹקֶיךָ נֹתֵן לָךְ.
12 Honor/grant dignity to your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you
(ג) אִ֣ישׁ אִמּ֤וֹ וְאָבִיו֙ תִּירָ֔אוּ וְאֶת־שַׁבְּתֹתַ֖י תִּשְׁמֹ֑רוּ אֲנִ֖י ה' אֱ-לֹהֵיכֶֽם׃
(3) A person must revere/fear/be in awe of their mother and their father, and keep My sabbaths: I the LORD am your God.
ת"ר איזהו מורא ואיזהו כיבוד מורא לא עומד במקומו ולא יושב במקומו ולא סותר את דבריו ולא מכריעו כיבוד מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא
The rabbis taught: what is 'reverence' and what is 'honor'? 'Reverence' is to not stand in his place or sit in his place and to not contradict him or support his arguments; 'honor' is to feed and give to drink, clothe, transport...
Rabbi Joseph Telushkin
The surprising feature of the Fifth Commandment is its insistence that we owe our parents honor, while saying nothing about loving them. It is not as if the Torah is reluctant to command love: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18); “And you shall love the Lord your God” (Deut. 6:5); “You shall love the stranger” (Lev. 19:34).
Why then are we not commanded to love our parents?
I think the real reason is that the Torah realized that it is harder to command love in a relationship as intimate as that between children and parents; either the love is present or it isn’t.
In addition, many children, much as they might love their parents most of the time, go through periods of estrangement from them. Thus, what the Torah is offering us is a guideline for behavior even during those periods when we might not be feeling loving toward our parents. Even at those times when we feel our parents have not been fair to us, or even when we have seen them do something we regard as wrong, we are still obligated to honor them.
What kind of parent do we admire/want to be?
Who are our good Torah parenting role models?
- Naomi
- Yosef
- others?
(ח) וַתֹּ֤אמֶר נָעֳמִי֙ לִשְׁתֵּ֣י כַלֹּתֶ֔יהָ לֵ֣כְנָה שֹּׁ֔בְנָה אִשָּׁ֖ה לְבֵ֣ית אִמָּ֑הּ יעשה [יַ֣עַשׂ] ה' עִמָּכֶם֙ חֶ֔סֶד כַּאֲשֶׁ֧ר עֲשִׂיתֶ֛ם עִם־הַמֵּתִ֖ים וְעִמָּדִֽי׃ (ט) יִתֵּ֤ן ה' לָכֶ֔ם וּמְצֶ֣אןָ מְנוּחָ֔ה אִשָּׁ֖ה בֵּ֣ית אִישָׁ֑הּ וַתִּשַּׁ֣ק לָהֶ֔ן וַתִּשֶּׂ֥אנָה קוֹלָ֖ן וַתִּבְכֶּֽינָה׃ (י) וַתֹּאמַ֖רְנָה־לָּ֑הּ כִּי־אִתָּ֥ךְ נָשׁ֖וּב לְעַמֵּֽךְ׃ (יא) וַתֹּ֤אמֶר נָעֳמִי֙ שֹׁ֣בְנָה בְנֹתַ֔י לָ֥מָּה תֵלַ֖כְנָה עִמִּ֑י הַֽעֽוֹד־לִ֤י בָנִים֙ בְּֽמֵעַ֔י וְהָי֥וּ לָכֶ֖ם לַאֲנָשִֽׁים׃ (יב) שֹׁ֤בְנָה בְנֹתַי֙ לֵ֔כְןָ כִּ֥י זָקַ֖נְתִּי מִהְי֣וֹת לְאִ֑ישׁ כִּ֤י אָמַ֙רְתִּי֙ יֶשׁ־לִ֣י תִקְוָ֔ה גַּ֣ם הָיִ֤יתִי הַלַּ֙יְלָה֙ לְאִ֔ישׁ וְגַ֖ם יָלַ֥דְתִּי בָנִֽים׃ (יג) הֲלָהֵ֣ן ׀ תְּשַׂבֵּ֗רְנָה עַ֚ד אֲשֶׁ֣ר יִגְדָּ֔לוּ הֲלָהֵן֙ תֵּֽעָגֵ֔נָה לְבִלְתִּ֖י הֱי֣וֹת לְאִ֑ישׁ אַ֣ל בְּנֹתַ֗י כִּֽי־מַר־לִ֤י מְאֹד֙ מִכֶּ֔ם כִּֽי־יָצְאָ֥ה בִ֖י יַד־ה' ; (יד) וַתִּשֶּׂ֣נָה קוֹלָ֔ן וַתִּבְכֶּ֖ינָה ע֑וֹד וַתִּשַּׁ֤ק עָרְפָּה֙ לַחֲמוֹתָ֔הּ וְר֖וּת דָּ֥בְקָה בָּֽהּ׃ (טו) וַתֹּ֗אמֶר הִנֵּה֙ שָׁ֣בָה יְבִמְתֵּ֔ךְ אֶל־עַמָּ֖הּ וְאֶל־אֱלֹהֶ֑יהָ שׁ֖וּבִי אַחֲרֵ֥י יְבִמְתֵּֽךְ׃ (טז) וַתֹּ֤אמֶר רוּת֙ אַל־תִּפְגְּעִי־בִ֔י לְעָזְבֵ֖ךְ לָשׁ֣וּב מֵאַחֲרָ֑יִךְ כִּ֠י אֶל־אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֵּלְכִ֜י אֵלֵ֗ךְ וּבַאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּלִ֙ינִי֙ אָלִ֔ין עַמֵּ֣ךְ עַמִּ֔י וֵאלkךְ הָ'׃
(1) Naomi, her mother-in-law, said to her, “Daughter, I must seek a home for you, where you may be happy. (2) Now there is our kinsman Boaz, whose girls you were close to. He will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor tonight. (3) So bathe, anoint yourself, dress up, and go down to the threshing floor. But do not disclose yourself to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. (4) When he lies down, note the place where he lies down, and go over and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what you are to do.”
How does God seem to be faring as a learning parent?
| God of Consequences without Repair | God of Communication/Repair |
| Exile from Paradise (Breshit) | God communicates with humans for individual purposes (Adam, Kayin, Hagar...etc) |
| Destruction of world (Noah) | Rainbow as promise and symbol of God's regret |
| Destruction of a city (Sodom) | God communicates only with prophets and for communal purposes |
| Destruction of a group within a larger group (Korach) | Specific illness with opportunity for healing (Tzaraat in general, Miriam specifically) |
| Illness as punishment for a group (Israelites in desert for idol worship) | God of textual communication, one way/receptive only verbal communication (no more verbal communication from God - except through children and drunkards, Baba Batra 12b) |
| Destruction just of the immediate actors (Nadaav & Avihu) | |
| Individual held responsible but irredeemable (Moses not entering Israel) |