"Am I Asexual?
Are you sexually attracted to other people? Do you feel the need to make sex a part of your life? Do you have a desire to introduce sexual activities into your relationships? If you answered no to one or more of these questions, you may very well be asexual.
HOW DO I TELL?
- Do you find other people sexy—in a way that makes you feel sexual desire or arousal, or a way that makes you think sex or sexual touching with that person would be satisfying (regardless of whether you’d actually do it)? If you don’t feel this with anyone, you may be asexual.
- Do you develop sexual attraction every once in a while, but don’t find its pursuit or satisfaction intrinsically rewarding? Some people would call that asexual.
- Do you think having sex (or the idea of having sex) is okay, but not very interesting or important? Could you take it or leave it, and find leaving it more convenient or preferable? Some people would call that asexual.
- Do you feel sexual attraction sometimes, but only rarely? You may be graysexual,* and you’ll have a lot in common with asexual people if you are.
- Do you sometimes develop sexual attraction when you’ve already developed other important connections with someone, but never feel sexually attracted to strangers, celebrities, or mere acquaintances? You may be demisexual,* and you’ll also have a lot in common with asexual people if you are."
compiled by Julie Decker: The Invisible Orientation (2014)
https://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/
Allonormative society
The society we live in is highly sex focused. Children’s stories, high school socials, sex education programs, pop songs and movies, religious life cycles, parents’ expectations, advertisements etc all force the idea that we must be sexually attracted to someone and eventually get involved in a sexual relationship. Even with the progress away from the heterosexual norm in some communities, there is still the expectation of sexual attraction. For those that do not experience sexual attraction, this leaves us feeling broken, confused and alone.
When coming out as Ace, instead of being respected for our orientation we’ll often be told “oh you’ll meet the right person one day”, “have you seen a psychiatrist about that?” or “you can’t be asexual, only plants are asexual!”
Our society presents sex and sexual attraction as intrinsic parts of being human leaving asexual people vulnerable to extreme dehumanization including having to fake sexual attraction, being coerced into sexual relationships, and surviving corrective rape.
Text Study: "Be Fruitful and Multiply"
Be fertile, then, and increase; abound on the earth and increase on it.”
אמר רבי אסי אין בן דוד בא עד שיכלו כל הנשמות שבגוף שנאמר (ישעיהו נז, טז) כי רוח מלפני יעטוף ונשמות אני עשיתי תניא רבי אליעזר אומר כל מי שאין עוסק בפריה ורביה כאילו שופך דמים שנאמר (בראשית ט, ו) שופך דם האדם באדם דמו ישפך וכתיב בתריה ואתם פרו ורבו
Composed in Talmudic Babylon (c.450 - c.550 CE). Yevamot discussses Levirate marriage and belongs to the third order of the Mishnah, Nashim (Women).
It is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Eliezer says: Anyone who does not engage in the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply is considered as though he sheds blood, as it is stated: “Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed” (Genesis 9:6), and it is written immediately afterward: “And you, be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 9:7).
Abba Ḥanan said in the name of Rabbi Eliezer: A man who does not engage in procreation is liable to death, as it is stated with regard to the sons of Aaron: “And Nadav and Avihu died…and they had no children” (Numbers 3:4). This indicates that if they would have had children they would not have died. Others say: He causes the Divine Presence to depart from the Jewish people, as it is stated: “To be a God to you and to your seed after you” (Genesis 17:7). When your seed is after you, i.e., when you have children, the Divine Presence rests upon the Jewish people, but if your seed is not after you, upon whom can the Divine Presence rest? Upon wood and stones?
by Jacob ben Asher (1269-1343). The Arba'ah Turim is one of the central Halakhic texts from the medieval period. Its structure was used later by the Shulchan Aruch. Likely written in either Toledo, Castille (Spain) though Jacob was born in Cologne, HRE (Germany). These extracts are from Even haEzer - the laws of marriage and divorce.
"Blessed be the name of the Holy One, blessed is He, who desired goodness for his creations. For He knew that it is not good for man to be alone and therefore He made a fitting helper for him, for the intent of the creation of man is to be fertile and to increase, and this is impossible without a helper. Therefore He commanded him to cling to the helper whom He made for him. Thus every man is obligated to marry a woman in order to be fertile and increase, for anyone who is not involved in reproduction is like
1) one who sheds blood,
2).... And it is as though he is diminishing the [Divine] image,
3).... And he causes the Divine Presence to be removed from Israel.
Rabbi Elazar said, "Anyone who does not have a wife is not a man." ... It is an extremely great commandment, for we only sell a Torah scroll in order to be able to learn Torah and to marry a woman.
When he passes twenty years without marrying, the Holy One, blessed is He, says, "His bones shall swell." My father (Rabbi Asher ben Jehiel) wrote of a single man who has passed twenty years and does not want to marry, that the court forces him to marry so that he may fulfill the commandment of reproduction.
However, one for whom it will be impossible to study should he marry is not obligated to marry by twenty. The words of the Rambam: If he is busy with Torah and is occupied by it, and is afraid to marry because the burden of providing sustenance will distract him from Torah, he may delay, as one who is involved in a mitzvah is exempt from another mitzvah, and all the more so in the study of Torah. One whose soul has constantly desired Torah, such as Ben Azai, and he clung to it all his days and did not marry, he has not sinned as long as his desire does not overcome him.
My father the Rosh says this refers to when it would be impossible for him to study [after marrying]--then he should study and afterward marry. I do not know the extent of this study, but it cannot be that one could abstain from reproduction all his days, for we have not seen such a thing other than Ben Azai, whose soul desired Torah. Therefore, because man consists of male and female, there is a commandment of reproduction.
And even one who has fulfilled his obligation of reproduction is forbidden from remaining without a wife, as Rabbi Nachman said: Even if a man has several children, he is forbidden from remaining without a wife, as it is said, "It is not good for man to be alone."
Ben Azzai: A Talmudic Asexual Ancestor?
They said to ben Azzai: There is a type of scholar who expounds well and fulfills his own teachings well, and another who fulfills well and does not expound well. But you, who have never married, expound well on the importance of procreation, and yet you do not fulfill well your own teachings. Ben Azzai said to them: What shall I do, as my soul yearns for Torah, and I do not wish to deal with anything else. It is possible for the world to be maintained by others, who are engaged in the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply.
composed in Safed (1563 CE)
"He who spends all of his entire life engrossed in Torah study like Ben Azzai and did not marry a woman is not considered a sinner, as his urges did not overcome him."
From Moriya Goldberger (2018):
"As seen in the case of Ben Azzai, reproduction is not a mitzva that one can accomplish without passion. He has no ideological stance against the primary value of heterosexual family, but since his heart works in another way, it is best for him to nourish the world in another way. Reproduction is a relational duty - without that context, the mitzva cannot be fulfilled.
Rabbi Joseph Engel (1859-1920): if one cannot reproduce under duress they are exempt from procreation and find another way to contribute to society
Rabbi Greenberg (2004): “The rationale of reproduction is a significant challenge to non-reproducing individuals and couples to find alternative ways to care for and sustain the world. However, it does not justify the forcing of homosexuals into heterosexual marriage, nor does it ground the rejection of same-sex partnerships for gay people. Indeed, the policy that would most sensibly emerge from the value of reproduction and family making would be one that supports and encourages homosexuals to fulfill in whatever ways possible the duty to ‘settle the world.’” - Rabbi Greenberg (1956-)
https://www.sefaria.org/sheets/83346.63?lang=bi