Elul: Tokhekha

It is taught Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi says: Which is an upright path that a person should select for himself? One should love admonition, for as long as admonition is in the world, pleasantness comes into the world, goodness and blessing come into the world, and evil departs from the world, as it is stated: “But to those who admonish shall be delight, and a good blessing shall come upon them” (Proverbs 24:25). And some say: [the path] should adhere to utmost faithfulness, as it is stated: “My eyes are upon the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with Me [the one who walks in a way of integrity, shall serve Me]” (Psalms 101:6). Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani says that Rabbi Yonatan says: Anyone who rebukes another for the sake of Heaven is merits the portion of the Kadosh Barukh Hu, as it is stated: “The one that rebukes a person shall be with Me” (Proverbs 28:23). Moreover, over him extends a cord of grace, as it is stated: “He will find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue” (ibid).

(17) Do not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your friend, but incur no guilt (sin) because of them. (18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your people. Love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

(1) לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך (Do not hate your kinsfolk in your heart) if he has done something evil to you, do not behave as if you continue to love him, all the time setting an ambush for him in your heart. (compare Jeremiah 9:7) Such an attitude is unhealthy, but (2) הוכח תוכיח (Reprove your friend), rebuke him for what he has done and as a result you will restore harmonious relations.

(3) ולא תשא עליו חטא (but incur no guilt (sin) because of them), in your heart.

(3) And Abraham rebuked Avimelech: R. Yosi ben R. Hanina said: Rebuke leads to love, as it says, rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Such indeed is R. Yosi ben Hanina’s view, for he said: Love unaccompanied by rebuke is not love. Resh Lakish said: Rebuke leads to peace; hence, ‘And Abrhaman reproved Avimelech’. Such is his view, for he said: Peace unaccompanied by rebuke is not peace.

Rav, and Rabbi Ḥanina, and Rabbi Yoḥanan, and Rav Ḥaviva taught: Throughout the order of Moed, wherever this pair of Sages is mentioned, exchange Rabbi Yoḥanan and insert Rabbi Yonatan in his place. Anyone who has the capability to protest the [sins of] the members of his household and does not protest, is apprehended for the members of his household [and punished]. [Anyone who has the capability to protest the sins of] the people of his town [and fails to do so] is apprehended for [the sins of] the people of his town. [Anyone who has the capability to protest the sins of] the whole world [and fails to do so] is apprehended for [the sins of] the whole world.

(14) For instance, the Torah commanded us: "you shall surely rebuke your fellow" (Vayikra 19:17).

Very often a person attempts to rebuke sinners at a place or time when his words will not be heeded and he causes them to breach even further in their wickedness, to desecrate the Name of G-d, and to add transgression to their sin.

In such cases, the only chasidut [pious/good response] is to keep silent. Thus, our sages, of blessed memory, said: "just like it is a mitzva to say what will be heeded, so too it is a mitzva to not say what will not be heeded" (Yevamot 65b).

Rabbi Ile’a said in the name of Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon: Just as it is a mitzva for a person to say that which will be heeded, so is it a mitzva for a person not to say that which will not be heeded. Rabbi Abba says: It is obligatory [to refrain from speaking], as it is stated: “Do not reprove a scorner lest he hate you; reprove a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). And Rabbi Ile’a said in the name of Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon: It is permitted for a person to depart [from the truth] in a matter [that will bring] peace, as it is stated: “Your father commanded: So you shall say to Joseph: Please pardon [your brothers’ crime, etc]” (Genesis 50:16–17). Rabbi Natan says: [It is] a mitzva [to depart from the truth in order to preserve peace,] as it is stated: “And Samuel said: How can I go, and Saul will hear and kill me” (I Samuel 16:2). [God responded in the next verse that Samuel should say he went to sacrifice an offering, indicating that God commands one to lie in order to preserve peace.] It was taught in the school of Rabbi Yishmael: Great is peace, as even the Holy One, Blessed be He, departed from the truth for it. As, initially it is written [that Sarah said of Abraham]: “And my lord is old” (Genesis 18:12), and in the end it is written [that God told Abraham that Sarah said]: “And I am old” (Genesis 18:13). [God adjusted Sarah’s words in order to spare Abraham hurt feelings that might lead Abraham and Sarah to quarrel].

(6) If one man commit a sin against another man, the one sinned against shall not remain in silent hate against the sinner, as it is said of the wicked: "And Absalom spoke unto [his half-brother] Amnon neither good nor bad; for Absalom hated Amnon" [and ended up having him assassinated] (Second Samuel. 13.22); but, on the contrary, it is obligatory upon him to let him know [that something upset him] and say unto him: "Why did you behave like that? Why did you wrong me in this particular matter?" -for we learn from Leviticus: "And thou shalt indeed rebuke thy neighbor" (Lev. 19.17).

And, if the sinner does repent and ask to be forgiven by him, he must forgive him; and in doing so he should not be cruel, for it is said: "And Abraham prayed unto God" (Gen. 20.17)⁶ [for Abimelech, who had wronged him].

(7) He who beholds his fellow sinning, or that he is going down a path that leads nowhere good, has a mitzva incumbent upon him to return his fellow toward the good, and to let him know that he is actually sinning against himself in pursuing wicked deeds for, it is said: "And thou shalt indeed rebuke thy neighbor" (Lev. 19.17).

He who rebukes his fellow, whether it be regarding a sin committed between man and man, or whether it be regarding matters between man and God, it is essential that the rebuke be administered only between them both [ie in private]; and he shall speak to him calmly, employing soft language, telling him that he does not speak of it to him except for his own good, to bring him to a life in the world to come.

If he receive it attentively from him, it is well; if not, he should rebuke him a second, even a third time. So is the constant duty of a man to continue to rebuke his fellow, even until the sinner strike him, and say unto him: "I will not listen." He in whose power it is to prevent sin and does not take the means to prevent it, he himself is ultimately overtaken by their sin, since it was possible for him to prevent them.⁷Shabbat, 54a; Ibid. 119b; Baba Mezi’a 31a. C. G.

(8) He who rebukes a friend, at the beginning, no hard words should be used against him to shame him, for it is said: "And thou shalt bear no sin upon him" (Lev. 19.17). Thus did the wise men say: "You might think it was acceptable to rebuke him in such a way that his face will change (i.e. you'll see how much it impacts him by the expression on his face); that's why the Torah reminds us instead: 'And thou shalt bear no sin upon him'" (Ibid.; Arakin, 16b); for it is forbidden to put someone to shame, even in private - never mind in public! Although he who does put his fellow to shame is not flogged, it is a grievous sin - in fact the sages say: "He who publicly puts his fellow to shame [lit. makes his face go white] has no share in the world to come" (Pirke Avot, 3.15).

A person is, therefore obliged to guard themself against publicly shaming their fellow, whether they be young or old, important or powerless. Do not to call them by a name of which they might feel ashamed, and do not publicly report behavior of which they are ashamed. Baba Mezi’a 59a; Yoma, 86b. C. G.