(יב) כַּבֵּ֥ד אֶת־אָבִ֖יךָ וְאֶת־אִמֶּ֑ךָ לְמַ֙עַן֙ יַאֲרִכ֣וּן יָמֶ֔יךָ עַ֚ל הָאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁר־יי אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ נֹתֵ֥ן לָֽךְ׃ (ס)
Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which ADONAI your God has given you.
(א) וַיְדַבֵּ֥ר יי אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֥ה לֵּאמֹֽר (ב) דַּבֵּ֞ר אֶל־כָּל־עֲדַ֧ת בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל וְאָמַרְתָּ֥ אֲלֵהֶ֖ם קְדֹשִׁ֣ים תִּהְי֑וּ כִּ֣י קָד֔וֹשׁ אֲנִ֖י יי אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃ (ג) אִ֣ישׁ אִמּ֤וֹ וְאָבִיו֙ תִּירָ֔אוּ וְאֶת־שַׁבְּתֹתַ֖י תִּשְׁמֹ֑רוּ אֲנִ֖י יי אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃
(1) And ADONAI spoke unto Moses, saying: (2) Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say to them: You shall be holy; for ADONAI your God is holy. (3) Each of you shall revere his mother and father, and you shall keep My sabbaths: I am ADONAI your God.
The second clause of the verse [Lev. 19:3] comes to limit the first: We are commanded to revere our parents only so far as they do not instruct us to break God's laws (e.g. keeping the Sabbath).
Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 5b-6a
ת"ר איזהו מורא ואיזהו כיבוד מורא לא עומד במקומו ולא יושב במקומו ולא סותר את דבריו ולא מכריעו כיבוד מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא
The rabbis taught: what is 'reverence' and what is 'honor'? 'Reverence' is not to stand or sit in his place and not to contradict him or support those who oppose him; 'honor' is to feed and give to drink, clothe, transport...
A son must not dishonor his father in his speech. For example, when the father is old and wants to eat early in the morning, as old men do, and the son says, "Ha! The sun is not yet up, and already you're eating!?" Or when the father asks: "Son, how much did you pay for this coat?" and the son says, "Don't worry about it. I bought it, and I have paid for it, so it is no business of yours!" Or when a son thinks to himself: "When will this old man die so that I can be free of what he costs me?"
Rabbi Israel ben Joseph Al-Nakawa (14th c. Spain)
One must stand up in the presence of one's parents. We learn this from Rav Yosef (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 31b), who would say whenever he heard his mother's footsteps approaching: "I must rise for the Divine Presence which is arriving!”
This obligation is the same as the one to rise in the presence of one’s rabbi. So long as the elder [i.e. the parent or the rabbi] is in sight, the younger [i.e. the child or the student] must rise.
Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah 240:7 and Mishneh Torah Hilchot Mamrim 6:3
(ב) וַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה׃ (ג) וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֤ף אֶל־אֶחָיו֙ אֲנִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף הַע֥וֹד אָבִ֖י חָ֑י וְלֹֽא־יָכְל֤וּ אֶחָיו֙ לַעֲנ֣וֹת אֹת֔וֹ כִּ֥י נִבְהֲל֖וּ מִפָּנָֽיו׃ (ד) וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֧ף אֶל־אֶחָ֛יו גְּשׁוּ־נָ֥א אֵלַ֖י וַיִּגָּ֑שׁוּ וַיֹּ֗אמֶר אֲנִי֙ יוֹסֵ֣ף אֲחִיכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁר־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃ (ה) וְעַתָּ֣ה ׀ אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֙חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִֽחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹהִ֖ים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם׃ (ו) כִּי־זֶ֛ה שְׁנָתַ֥יִם הָרָעָ֖ב בְּקֶ֣רֶב הָאָ֑רֶץ וְעוֹד֙ חָמֵ֣שׁ שָׁנִ֔ים אֲשֶׁ֥ר אֵין־חָרִ֖ישׁ וְקָצִּֽיר׃ (ז) וַיִּשְׁלָחֵ֤נִי אֱלֹהִים֙ לִפְנֵיכֶ֔ם לָשׂ֥וּם לָכֶ֛ם שְׁאֵרִ֖ית בָּאָ֑רֶץ וּלְהַחֲי֣וֹת לָכֶ֔ם לִפְלֵיטָ֖ה גְּדֹלָֽה׃ (ח) וְעַתָּ֗ה לֹֽא־אַתֶּ֞ם שְׁלַחְתֶּ֤ם אֹתִי֙ הֵ֔נָּה כִּ֖י הָאֱלֹהִ֑ים וַיְשִׂימֵ֨נִֽי לְאָ֜ב לְפַרְעֹ֗ה וּלְאָדוֹן֙ לְכָל־בֵּית֔וֹ וּמֹשֵׁ֖ל בְּכָל־אֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃ (ט) מַהֲרוּ֮ וַעֲל֣וּ אֶל־אָבִי֒ וַאֲמַרְתֶּ֣ם אֵלָ֗יו כֹּ֤ה אָמַר֙ בִּנְךָ֣ יוֹסֵ֔ף שָׂמַ֧נִי אֱלֹהִ֛ים לְאָד֖וֹן לְכָל־מִצְרָ֑יִם רְדָ֥ה אֵלַ֖י אַֽל־תַּעֲמֹֽד׃ (י) וְיָשַׁבְתָּ֣ בְאֶֽרֶץ־גֹּ֗שֶׁן וְהָיִ֤יתָ קָרוֹב֙ אֵלַ֔י אַתָּ֕ה וּבָנֶ֖יךָ וּבְנֵ֣י בָנֶ֑יךָ וְצֹאנְךָ֥ וּבְקָרְךָ֖ וְכָל־אֲשֶׁר־לָֽךְ׃ (יא) וְכִלְכַּלְתִּ֤י אֹֽתְךָ֙ שָׁ֔ם כִּי־ע֛וֹד חָמֵ֥שׁ שָׁנִ֖ים רָעָ֑ב פֶּן־תִּוָּרֵ֛שׁ אַתָּ֥ה וּבֵֽיתְךָ֖ וְכָל־אֲשֶׁר־לָֽךְ׃
(2) And [Joseph] wept aloud; and the Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard. (3) And Joseph said to his brothers: ‘I am Joseph; is my father still alive?’ ... And [Joseph] said: (9) Hurry, and go back to my father, and say to him: Thus says your son Joseph: God has made me lord of all Egypt; come down to me without delay. (10) You will dwell in the land of Goshen, where you will be near me - you and your children and your grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all that is yours. (11) I will provide for your there...that you and your household and all that is yours may not suffer want.
(כז) וַיָּבֹ֤א יַעֲקֹב֙ אֶל־יִצְחָ֣ק אָבִ֔יו מַמְרֵ֖א קִרְיַ֣ת הָֽאַרְבַּ֑ע הִ֣וא חֶבְר֔וֹן אֲשֶׁר־גָּֽר־שָׁ֥ם אַבְרָהָ֖ם וְיִצְחָֽק׃ (כח) וַיִּֽהְי֖וּ יְמֵ֣י יִצְחָ֑ק מְאַ֥ת שָׁנָ֖ה וּשְׁמֹנִ֥ים שָׁנָֽה׃ (כט) וַיִּגְוַ֨ע יִצְחָ֤ק וַיָּ֙מָת֙ וַיֵּאָ֣סֶף אֶל־עַמָּ֔יו זָקֵ֖ן וּשְׂבַ֣ע יָמִ֑ים וַיִּקְבְּר֣וּ אֹת֔וֹ עֵשָׂ֥ו וְיַעֲקֹ֖ב בָּנָֽיו׃ (פ)
(27) And Jacob came to his father Isaac at Mamre, at Kiriat-Arba — now Hebron —where Abraham and Isaac had sojourned. (28) Isaac was a hundred and eighty years old (29) when he breathed his last and died. He was gathered to his kin in ripe old age; and Esau and Jacob his sons buried him.
(כט) וַיְצַ֣ו אוֹתָ֗ם וַיֹּ֤אמֶר אֲלֵהֶם֙ אֲנִי֙ נֶאֱסָ֣ף אֶל־עַמִּ֔י קִבְר֥וּ אֹתִ֖י אֶל־אֲבֹתָ֑י אֶל־הַ֨מְּעָרָ֔ה ...שָׁ֣מָּה קָֽבְר֞וּ אֶת־אַבְרָהָ֗ם וְאֵת֙ שָׂרָ֣ה אִשְׁתּ֔וֹ שָׁ֚מָּה קָבְר֣וּ אֶת־יִצְחָ֔ק וְאֵ֖ת רִבְקָ֣ה אִשְׁתּ֑וֹ וְשָׁ֥מָּה קָבַ֖רְתִּי אֶת־לֵאָֽה׃ ...(לג) וַיְכַ֤ל יַעֲקֹב֙ לְצַוֺּ֣ת אֶת־בָּנָ֔יו וַיֶּאֱסֹ֥ף רַגְלָ֖יו אֶל־הַמִּטָּ֑ה וַיִּגְוַ֖ע וַיֵּאָ֥סֶף אֶל־עַמָּֽיו׃ (א) וַיִּפֹּ֥ל יוֹסֵ֖ף עַל־פְּנֵ֣י אָבִ֑יו וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ עָלָ֖יו וַיִּשַּׁק־לֽוֹ׃ (ב) וַיְצַ֨ו יוֹסֵ֤ף אֶת־עֲבָדָיו֙ אֶת־הָרֹ֣פְאִ֔ים לַחֲנֹ֖ט אֶת־אָבִ֑יו וַיַּחַנְט֥וּ הָרֹפְאִ֖ים אֶת־יִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃ ... (ז) וַיַּ֥עַל יוֹסֵ֖ף לִקְבֹּ֣ר אֶת־אָבִ֑יו וַיַּֽעֲל֨וּ אִתּ֜וֹ כָּל־עַבְדֵ֤י פַרְעֹה֙ זִקְנֵ֣י בֵית֔וֹ וְכֹ֖ל זִקְנֵ֥י אֶֽרֶץ־מִצְרָֽיִם׃ (ח) וְכֹל֙ בֵּ֣ית יוֹסֵ֔ף וְאֶחָ֖יו וּבֵ֣ית אָבִ֑יו רַ֗ק טַפָּם֙ וְצֹאנָ֣ם וּבְקָרָ֔ם עָזְב֖וּ בְּאֶ֥רֶץ גֹּֽשֶׁן׃ (ט) וַיַּ֣עַל עִמּ֔וֹ גַּם־רֶ֖כֶב גַּם־פָּרָשִׁ֑ים וַיְהִ֥י הַֽמַּחֲנֶ֖ה כָּבֵ֥ד מְאֹֽד׃ (י) וַיָּבֹ֜אוּ עַד־גֹּ֣רֶן הָאָטָ֗ד אֲשֶׁר֙ בְּעֵ֣בֶר הַיַּרְדֵּ֔ן וַיִּ֨סְפְּדוּ־שָׁ֔ם מִסְפֵּ֛ד גָּד֥וֹל וְכָבֵ֖ד מְאֹ֑ד וַיַּ֧עַשׂ לְאָבִ֛יו אֵ֖בֶל שִׁבְעַ֥ת יָמִֽים׃ ... (יב) וַיַּעֲשׂ֥וּ בָנָ֖יו ל֑וֹ כֵּ֖ן כַּאֲשֶׁ֥ר צִוָּֽם׃ (יג) וַיִּשְׂא֨וּ אֹת֤וֹ בָנָיו֙ אַ֣רְצָה כְּנַ֔עַן וַיִּקְבְּר֣וּ אֹת֔וֹ בִּמְעָרַ֖ת שְׂדֵ֣ה הַמַּכְפֵּלָ֑ה אֲשֶׁ֣ר קָנָה֩ אַבְרָהָ֨ם אֶת־הַשָּׂדֶ֜ה לַאֲחֻזַּת־קֶ֗בֶר מֵאֵ֛ת עֶפְרֹ֥ן הַחִתִּ֖י עַל־פְּנֵ֥י מַמְרֵֽא׃ (יד) וַיָּ֨שָׁב יוֹסֵ֤ף מִצְרַ֙יְמָה֙ ה֣וּא וְאֶחָ֔יו וְכָל־הָעֹלִ֥ים אִתּ֖וֹ לִקְבֹּ֣ר אֶת־אָבִ֑יו אַחֲרֵ֖י קָבְר֥וֹ אֶת־אָבִֽיו׃
(29) Joseph instructed [his sons], saying: ‘I am about to be gathered to my kin; bury me with my fathers in the cave...[where] they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah. ... And when Jacob finished his instruction to his sons, he drew his feet into the bed, and, breathing his last, was gathered unto his people. (1) And Joseph fell upon his father’s face, and wept upon him, and kissed him. (2) And Joseph commanded the physicians in his service to embalm his father, and the physicians embalmed Israel. (3) ... (7) And Joseph went up to bury his father; and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt, (8) and all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father’s house; only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen. (9) And chariots and horsemen went up with him; a great procession. (10) And they came to the threshing-floor of Atad, which is beyond the Jordan, and there they wailed with a very great and solemn mourning; Joseph mourned for his father seven days. ... (12) And [Jacob's] sons did for him as he had instructed them; (13) his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah... (14) And Joseph returned to Egypt, he and his brothers, and all who had gone with him to bury his father.
R. Mark Dratch
Is mourning for abusive parents obligatory, discretionary, or prohibited? There is no obligation to mourn for an abusive parent. If the mourning is for the sake of the memory and honor of the deceased, then an abusive parent who is classified as a rasha should not be mourned. And if mourning is for the sake of the living, then it is up to the children to decide, in consultation with their rabbis and mental health professionals, on their psychological readiness and the appropriateness of engaging in traditional mourning practices. If the children decide that they are psychologically strong enough to mourn, and that sitting shivah is not perceived by them as a continuation of the burden of abuse they suffered during their parents’ lifetimes, they may choose to observe these practices. However, if mourning would place too heavy an emotional burden on them, they should not sit shivah or observe other mourning practices. If, at sometime in the future, as part of their ongoing healing process they choose to mourn their abusive parent, they may determine the appropriate and meaningful ways to do so.
Rabbi Joseph Telushkin
The surprising feature of the Fifth Commandment is its insistence that we owe our parents honor, while saying nothing about loving them. It is not as if the Torah is reluctant to command love: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18); “And you shall love the Lord your God” (Deut. 6:5); “You shall love the stranger” (Lev. 19:34).
Why then are we not commanded to love our parents?
I think the real reason is that the Torah realized that it is harder to command love in a relationship as intimate as that between children and parents; either the love is present or it isn’t.
In addition, many children, much as they might love their parents most of the time, go through periods of estrangement from them. Thus, what the Torah is offering us is a guideline for behavior even during those periods when we might not be feeling loving toward our parents. Even at those times when we feel our parents have not been fair to us, or even when we have seen them do something we regard as wrong, we are still obligated to honor them.