Working as a Team

There are three types of love: Love because of what one stands to benefit from the other; love of pleasure; and love of virtue...Love of virtue is when two people desire the same valuable thing, the essentially good, and each one wishes to collaborate with the other in obtaining that ideal for both of them.

Our English word “goal” barely hints at the kind of shared project that marriage should be based on. Animals only pursue their survival and pleasure, but that is not enough to satisfy a man. Man in his deepest essence was created in the Divine image, and this means he was made to create. Just as an artist has a vision he wants to convey in a painting or a poem, every man should have a story he wants to tell, an ideal he wants to realize in the world. The strongest basis for marriage is such a shared vision towards which the couple together works to realize in the world. That should be their “goal.”

The wife of Rabbi Akiva is a model for all generations. Devotion and love for Torah burned within her heart. Rabbi Akiva was embarrassed to share a classroom with small children. How did his wife, Rachel, convince him to devote himself to Torah? She decorated a donkey with leaves, creating the image that the leaves grew out of the animal itself. Accompanied by her husband, she brought the strange beast to the marketplace. For several days the spectacle attracted many stares. But very soon, the people grew accustomed to the sight. They stopped talking about it. Better than any words of admonishment, this experience taught Rabbi Akiva to ignore feelings of shame and ridicule. With his wife's encouragement, he dedicated himself completely to Torah. And when he returned over twenty years later, what did Rabbi Akiva tell his army of twenty-four thousand students? Shelah hu, "Mine and yours--are hers!"