Sources in Shomer Negiah

(19) Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness to uncover her nakedness.

The Gemara comments: And this conclusion disagrees with the opinion of Rabbi Pedat, as Rabbi Pedat said: The Torah only prohibited intimacy that involves engaging in prohibited sexual relations, as it is stated: “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness” (Leviticus 18:6). The prohibition of intimacy in the Torah applies exclusively to relations, and all other kinds of intimacy that do not include actual relations are not included in the prohibition. When there is separation, they did not issue a decree. The Gemara relates that Ulla, when he would come from the house of his teacher, would kiss his sisters on their chests. And some say: On their hands. Ulla was not concerned about violating the prohibition of displaying affection toward a relative forbidden to him, as his intention was not to have relations with them. The Gemara adds that his action was in contradiction to a saying of his, as Ulla said: Even any intimacy is prohibited with a woman with whom he is forbidden to engage in sexual relations due to the reason formulated as an adage: Go around, go around, and do not approach the vineyard, they say to the nazirite. They advise the nazirite, who is forbidden to consume any product of a vine, that he should not even approach the vineyard. The same is true with regard to the prohibition of forbidden relations. According to Ulla, one must distance himself from them to whatever degree possible.

He said to him: Rabbi Ami said as follows: It is permitted provided that he is not carried on the shoulders, on the chair. The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of: Provided that he is not carried on the shoulders? Rav Yosef, son of Rabba, said: It means on poles [alunkei] that are used to carry burdens on the shoulders of two people. This mode of transportation is highly conspicuous and has the appearance of a weekday activity, the performance of which displays disrespect for the Festival. Instead, the poles on which the chair is borne should be held in the bearers’ hands, so the seat will be closer to the ground and less noticeable. The Gemara asks: Is that so? But didn’t Rav Naḥman permit his wife Yalta to go out on a Festival on a chair borne on poles that rested on the shoulders of the bearers? The Gemara answers: Yalta is different, as she was afraid of falling and therefore required this special arrangement.

Later on, Rav Naḥman said to him: Let my daughter Donag come and pour us drinks. Rav Yehuda said to him: This is what Shmuel says: One may not make use of a woman for a service such as this. Rav Naḥman replied: She is a minor. Rav Yehuda retorted: Shmuel explicitly says: One may not make use of a woman at all, whether she is an adult or a minor.

The Gemara relates: Rav Aḥa bar Abba arrived at the house of Rav Ḥisda, his son-in-law. He took his daughter’s daughter and placed her on his lap. Rav Ḥisda said to him: Doesn’t the Master think that she might already be betrothed? Rav Aḥa said to him: If that is true, you have transgressed the ruling of Rav, as Rav Yehuda says that Rav says, and some say it was said by Rabbi Elazar: It is prohibited for a man to betroth his daughter when she is a minor, until she grows up and says: I want to marry so-and-so, as otherwise she might reject the designated husband and ultimately sin by committing adultery. Rav Ḥisda replied: The Master has likewise transgressed the words of Shmuel. As Shmuel says: One may not make use of a woman, so how can you hold her on your lap? He said to him: I hold in accordance with another statement of Shmuel, as Shmuel says: All such actions are permitted for the sake of Heaven. In other words, if one is acting out of familial affection, without any element of licentiousness, they are permitted.

(1) Anyone who sleeps with one of the forbidden relationships "by way of limbs", or who hugs and kisses in a sexual way and takes pleasure in physical intimacy, receives lashes for a d'Oraisa transgression, as it says (Leviticus 18:30) "do not do any of these abominable customs etc" and it says (Leviticus 18:6) "do not approach to uncover nakedness", which is to say do not approach things which will bring you to transgressing Arayos.

(6) When a man embraces or kisses any of the women forbidden to him as arayot despite the fact that his heart does not disturb him concerning the matter, e.g. his adult sister, his mother's sister, or the like, it is very shameful. it is forbidden and it is foolish conduct. [This applies] even though he has no desire or pleasure at all. For one should not show closeness to a woman forbidden to him as an Ervah at all, whether an adult or a minor, except a woman to her son and a father to his daughter.

(18) It is forbidden to a person to embrace his wife during these seven "spotless" days. [This applies] even if she is clothed and he is clothed. He should not draw close to her, nor touch her, not even with his pinky. He may not eat together with her from the same plate. The general principle is he must conduct himself with her during the days she is counting as he does in her "days of niddah." For [relations with her] are still punishable by kereit until she immerses herself, as we explained.

(19) A niddah may perform any task which a wife would perform for her husband except washing his face, hands, and feet, pouring him a drink, and spreading out his bed in his presence. [These were forbidden as] decrees, lest they come to sin.
For this reason, she should not eat with him from the same plate, nor should he touch her flesh, lest this lead to sin. Similarly, she should not perform these three tasks for him during her seven "spotless" days. It is permitted for a woman to adorn herself during her "days of niddah," so that she does not become unattractive to her husband.

(80) “No man shall approach anyone of his own flesh” (Leviticus 18:6). Any approaching of the flesh is forbidden, such as touching the hands of a married woman. And its explanation [in the continuation of the verse], “to uncover nakedness,” is because approaching leads to nakedness (forbidden intercourse). And should you say in your heart, “Where is it found in Scripture that the Torah made a fence, that you should say that it forbade the touching of hands, that it should be a sin” - we will answer you [this] word: Behold the commandment of the nazirite in which one’s main separation is lest he forget the Lawmaker or be fooled by a spirit of licentiousness, [and yet] the Torah forbade him from [consuming] everything that is from the vine of wine. And all of that is as a fence to distance him from drinking wine. And likewise did our Rabbis say in the Midrash (Exodus Rabbah 16:2).

(5) It is forbidden to be served by a woman at all, whether she is an adult or a minor, whether a slave or free, lest he come to have forbidden thoughts. What service were they speaking of? Washing his face, hands, and feet, even to pour water so he can wash his face, hands, and feet, even if she does not touch him; or making his bed in front of him; or pouring a drink. Rem"a: Some say that eating with her with a bowl is also forbidden with every erva, as with his menstrually impure wife. There are those who are lenient in all of this, that they only prohibited affectionate things with one's menstrually impure wife. Some say that all this is forbidden only when they are alone, but in a place like a bathhouse where many people are found, one may be washed by an idolatrous slave woman, and this is the custom. And some say that anything not done in a affectionate manner (בדרך חבה), where his intent is only for Heaven's sake, is permitted. Thus the custom is to be lenient in these things. Some say that one should not do affectionate things even with his wife, such as to inspect her head for lice, in front of others.)

And Rabbi Yoḥanan said: I remember when a boy and girl, of sixteen and seventeen years of age, would walk together in the market, and they would not sin.

(4) From the laws of the commandment is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Avot 3:13; Avot D'Rabbi Natan 2) about this for a fence, and that is that a man not motion with his hand nor hint with eyes to one of the sexual prohibitions, nor to joke with them at all. And it is even forbidden to smell perfume that is on them; and not to gaze at women at all, and even at a bride - with the intention to derive pleasure. And they forbade to stare even at their small finger. [This is] besides the wife of a man, as it is permitted for him to gaze at her beauty, and even while she is still menstruant, as she will be permitted to him later. And there is an assumption about an Israelite that his impulse is given over to his hand (under control) in an example like this, that is dependent upon time. And it is specifically at the revealed places upon her that they permitted to stare while she is still a menstruant, but not at the covered [places] so that his evil impulse not cover (overcome) him.

(5) And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Berakhot 24a) that it is forbidden to stare even at the hair of a woman that is forbidden to him. And even to hear her voice with the intention to derive pleasure from it is forbidden. And even to stare at the colored clothes of a woman - meaning to say, beautiful clothes, the way of which is to make them from colored fabric - is forbidden, so long as he knows the woman that wears them, since by seeing the garment, he will come to have improper thoughts about her. And they also distanced [us] that we should not ask about the welfare of a married woman at all, and even through her husband (Kiddushin 70b and Tosefot s.v. ein shoelin).

(6) And there are many details of the distancings that they warned about this matter, but the general principle of the matter is that a man should not do anything in the world that brings him to improper thoughts about women - not in action, not in speech and not with any hint to bring close the weak mind of a woman to his mind - except for only his wife. And like this matter did the prophet rebuke the men of his generation, in his saying to them (Jeremiah 5:8), "each one is neighing at his neighbor's wife" - meaning to say, according to their way that they appear as if they do not intend this, they hint to the wives of their neighbors hints of adultery, and raise their voices in such a way that these women should listen to them and their impulse be aroused towards love of the adulterer. And it is not from the possible to say [all of] the details of the matters that a man will know to do to bring the mind of a woman, which is weak, close to him. And therefore they, may their memory be blessed, [only] mentioned a few of them. But with the rest, each and every one should be careful to guard himself according to what he finds with his person, 'as the Lord sees to the heart.'