Tu B’Av (the 15th of the month of Av) arrives shortly after the mourning period that leads to Tishah B’Av, the date on which the First and Second Holy Temples were destroyed. Throughout much of Jewish history, Tu B’Av, a rabbinic holiday, was not well known and became more popular upon the establishment of the State of Israel. It is regarded as a “Jewish Valentine’s Day” and is considered opportune for dating, romance, engagements, and marriage. (Sharon Mann) Today we are going to study a myriad of texts in our tradition to get us a deeper understanding of LOVE!
But first - how did this holiday of love come about... We look to the Mishnah to find our answer!
(ח) אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין, שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ...וּבְנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת וְחוֹלוֹת בַּכְּרָמִים. וּמֶה הָיוּ אוֹמְרוֹת, בָּחוּר, שָׂא נָא עֵינֶיךָ וּרְאֵה, מָה אַתָּה בוֹרֵר לָךְ. אַל תִּתֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַנּוֹי, תֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַמִּשְׁפָּחָה. שֶׁקֶר הַחֵן וְהֶבֶל הַיֹּפִי, אִשָּׁה יִרְאַת ה' הִיא תִתְהַלָּל (משלי לא). וְאוֹמֵר, תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ, וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶׂיהָ...
Rabbi Shimon ben Gamaliel said: There were no days of joy in Israel greater than the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur. On these days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in borrowed white garments in order not to shame any one who had none...The daughters of Jerusalem come out and dance in the vineyards. What would they say? Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set your eyes on the family. “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). And it further says, “Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates” (ibid, 31:31)...
The Mishnah describes a kind of "meet market," in the most innocent sense: Women, all dressed alike in borrowed clothing, would go out into the vineyards and invite the men to connect with a potential spouse. Their words encouraged the men to look beyond the physical characteristics of those they encountered and to focus instead on a woman's character. Pretty progressive - women get to choose? How did that happen?
The Talmud, in trying to understand this Mishnah, connects this date with the famous story of the daughters of Zelophehad in the book of Bamidbar. When Zelophehad dies, leaving behind only daughters, these women realize that the laws of inheritance mean that their father's land will be lost to his tribe. They come to Moses with their request to keep their father's land, and God intervenes and decrees that the daughters will inherit the land, but they must marry within the tribe so that the land stays among their father's people. According to the Talmud, this rule was temporary, and later on in Jewish history, women were allowed to marry from any tribe they chose. Tu B'Av, in this understanding, is the celebration of women who have more men from whom to choose!
So let's start from the beginning. How does Torah understand "love?"
The LORD God said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a fitting helper for him.”
Beginning with the earliest stories in the Torah, Judaism emphasizes the importance of finding someone to love and holding on to that relationship. But to better understand love - we need to examine the Hebrew Ezer K'negdo.
Judaism uses love to describe the powerful relationship between God and community. Love is central in fact. We learn to love the other through our relationship to God.
We learn- from this very passage that when you love someone – you love with everything. Love is more than infatuation and physical attraction. Love is a deep relationship of sharing and giving of oneself that transcends time and space.
(יט) וְכֵן צִוּוּ חֲכָמִים שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אָדָם מְכַבֵּד אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ וְאוֹהֲבָהּ כְּגוּפוֹ. וְאִם יֵשׁ לוֹ מָמוֹן מַרְבֶּה בְּטוֹבָתָהּ כְּפִי מָמוֹנוֹ. וְלֹא יַטִּיל עָלֶיהָ אֵימָה יְתֵרָה. וְיִהְיֶה דִּבּוּרוֹ עִמָּהּ בְּנַחַת. וְלֹא יִהְיֶה עָצֵב וְלֹא רַגְזָן: (כ) וְכֵן צִוּוּ עַל הָאִשָּׁה שֶׁתִּהְיֶה מְכַבֶּדֶת אֶת בַּעְלָהּ בְּיוֹתֵר מִדַּאי וְיִהְיֶה עָלֶיהָ מוֹרָא מִמֶּנּוּ וְתַעֲשֶׂה כָּל מַעֲשֶׂיהָ עַל פִּיו. וְיִהְיֶה בְּעֵינֶיהָ כְּמוֹ שַׂר אוֹ מֶלֶךְ. מְהַלֶּכֶת בְּתַאֲוַת לִבּוֹ וּמַרְחֶקֶת כָּל מַה שֶּׁיִּשְׂנָא. וְזֶה דֶּרֶךְ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל הַקְּדוֹשִׁים וְהַטְּהוֹרִים בְּזִוּוּגָן. וּבִדְרָכִים אֵלּוּ יִהְיֶה יִשּׁוּבָן נָאֶה וּמְשֻׁבָּח:
(19) Thus the Sages commanded: A man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If his money is plentiful, he should honor her as much as he can afford. He should not inspire excess fear in her, and he should speak gently with her, and not act downcast or hot-tempered.
(20) Thus the Sages commanded: A woman should honor her husband to excess, and stand in awe of him, and act according to his word. He should seem to her like a minister or king, following the desires of his heart, and distancing herself from the things he hates. This is how holy and pure Jews behave in their marriages; these ways are their pleasant and praiseworthy lifestyle.
ולכן הזכיר האהבה כי מפני צדקתה וכשרון מעשיה אהבה...
Yitzchak’s love came from an appreciation of Rivka’s righteousness.
מתוך "מבחר הפנינים" המיוחס לרבי שלמה אבן גבירול, "שער האהבה"
שאל החכם: מה היא האהבה?
ואמר: נטות הלבבות והתחברם.
אין נקב המחט צר לשני אוהבים,
ואין רוחב העולם מכיל שני שונאים.
כשתאהב את חברך - אל תחניף לו, ואל תשאל עליו,
שמא תמצא אויב שיספר לך מה שאין בו, ויפריד בינך לבינו.
הזהר ממי שאהבתו כפי צורכו,
כי בשלמת הצורך תשלם אהבתו.
מי שיאמין אל הרכילים -
לא יישאר לו אוהב, אפילו אם יהיה חביב וקרוב.
אל תעזוב האוהב בעבור רכילות הרכיל.
כשתראה שני בני אדם מתחברים שלא לשם שמיים -
סופם להיפרד שלא לשם שמיים.
“Mivchar HaPninim” by Rabbi Shlomo Ibn Gavriel, “The Gate of Love”
The wise man asked: What is love?
Answer: The spreading out of the heart and bringing it back together.
The eye of a needle is not narrow for two in love, and the width of the world is not wide enough for two who hate.
When you love your friend- don’t flatter them, and don’t interrogate them for you might find an enemy that will say what is not there, and will make a separation between you.
Be careful around the one you love as much as is needed, because the price of what is needed will pay for their love.
One who believes the gossip- love will not last, even if they were dear and close.
Do not leave love for gossip.
When you see two joining not for the sake of heaven- they will separate also not for the sake of heaven.
Dr. Ruth Calderon. A Bride for One Night.
Much ink has been spilled on the battle that raged in Rav Rehumi’s soul. He was torn between the study house and his home, between the texts he learned, which took on a life of their own, and the woman who waited for him to return… If Rav Rehumi achieved any fame, it is thanks to his wife, and if he acquired a reputation, it is as a tragic hero. His character seems to be a pun on his unique, extraordinary name: Rehumi in Aramaic means “love” and can be interpreted as either “loving” or “beloved.” Rehumi’s wife loved him. As such it is she who renders his name appropriate for him—she makes him “beloved.” Though nameless, and though described sparingly, she emerges as a character thanks to the skill of an anonymous master storyteller. Her great love enables her to overlook her husband’s failings, though she is not blind to them… This is the story of a loving wife and a husband whose Torah renders him incapable of sensing another’s pain. A romantic reading will view Rav Rehumi as a man who has a poor sense of priorities, who preferred to devote himself to Torah instead of to a woman. A moralizing reading will blame him for sacrificing her good for his own. But I view him as a man who simply did not know what love is. The only area in which he was not mediocre was in his loving wife’s estimation. Only through her eyes was he deserving of his name. She allowed him to trample on her soul and, through this tragic story, to achieve immortality
Is Love just Romantic? What about other kinds of love?
(18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your fellow as yourself: I am the LORD.
Acquire a friend for yourself, [even if it is very costly for you to do so, and you must spend much to acquire his love.
ואף אם רואה בחבירו שום דבר רע, ישנא הרע שבו, אך החלק הקדוש יאהבנו מאד כנפשו, כי הבעש״ט נבג״מ אמר שהצדיק הגמור שאין רע בקרבו אין רואה שום רע על שום אדם, אך מי שרואה שום רע בחבירו, הענין הוא כמו שמסתכל במראה, אם פניו מטונפין רואה גם כן במראה כך, ואם פניו נקיים אינו רואה במראה שום דופי, כמו שהוא כך רואה, וזהו (ויקרא י״ט, י״ח) ואהבת לרעך כמוך, פי׳ כמוך כמו שאם יודע האדם בעצמו שום רע בקרבו משום הא אינו שונא את עצמו אף ששונא הרע שבקרבו, כך גם כן על חבירו, כי באמת הכל אחד,כי הלא גם לחבירו יש גם כן חלק אלוק כמוהו ויש לו אות בתורה.
And even if you see something wrong in your friend, you should hate only that aspect of him, but you must love his spiritual part a lot. For the Baal Shem Tov zt'l said that a righteous person, that has no negativity in his heart, doesn't see bad in others. However, one who sees bad in their friends, it's as if he's looking into a mirror. If his face his dirty, he sees that in the mirror, and the same if its clean. This is what "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" means. As yourself; the same way one doesn't hate himself, despite knowing his own shortcomings, so too you should treat your friend "as yourself".
(טז) כָּל אַהֲבָה שֶׁהִיא תְלוּיָה בְדָבָר, בָּטֵל דָּבָר, בְּטֵלָה אַהֲבָה. וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ תְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, אֵינָהּ בְּטֵלָה לְעוֹלָם.
(16) All love that depends on a something, [when the] thing ceases, [the] love ceases; and [all love] that does not depend on anything, will never cease.
After the duty to your Creator, you owe a duty to your parents. Therefore honor your father and your mother, by giving them respect, obedience and love, both while they are alive and after their death, and your reward will be that you will live long on the earth which the Eternal your Almighty gave you, as well as in the world to come.
Shemaiah and Abtalion received [the oral tradition] from them. Shemaiah used to say: love work, hate acting the superior, and do not attempt to draw near to the ruling authority.
Greater is Torah than priesthood and kingship, for kingship is obtained with thirty levels, and priesthood with twenty-four, and Torah is obtained with forty-eight things. And these are them: learning, listening of the ear, preparation of speech, understanding of the heart, intellect of the heart, reverence, awe, humility, happiness, purity, service of sages, care of friends, debate of the students, clarification, scripture, mishnah, minimization of merchandise, minimization of worldly occupation, minimization of pleasure, minimization of sleep, minimization of conversation, minimization of laughter, patience, generosity, trust of the sages, acceptance of afflictions, knowing one's place, gladness in one's portion, erection of a fence to one's words, lack of self-aggrandizement, lovableness, love of God, love of the creatures, love of the righteous, love of the upright, love of rebuke, distancing from honor, lack of arrogance in learning, lack of joy in issuing legal decisions, lifting of a burden with one's friend, judging him with the benefit of the doubt, placing him with the truth, placing him with peace, deliberation in study, questioning and responding, hearing and adding, learning in order to teach and learning in order to act, making one's master wiser, focusing one's teaching, saying [a thing] in the name of the one who said it; for you learned that one who says something in the name of the one who said it brings redemption to the world, as it says (Esther 2:22): "Esther told the king in Mordekhai’s name."
Only goodness and steadfast love shall pursue me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for many long years.
love is so complicated... only God knows how to do it right!
(ג) רַבִּי אַבָּהוּ פָּתַח (משלי יט, יד): בַּיִת וָהוֹן נַחֲלַת אָבוֹת וּמֵה' אִשָּׁה מַשְׂכָּלֶת, רַבִּי פִּינְחָס בְּשֵׁם רַבִּי אַבָּהוּ, מָצִינוּ בַּתּוֹרָה בַּנְבִיאִים וּבַכְּתוּבִים שֶׁאֵין זִוּוּגוֹ שֶׁל אִישׁ אֶלָּא מִן הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, .....
(3)Rabbi Abahu opened (Proverbs 19,14): “Property and riches are bequeathed by fathers, But an efficient wife comes from the LORD.” Rabbi Pinchas in the name of Rabbi Abahu - we find in Torah, the Prophets, and the Scriptures (Tanakh) that a person’s perfect match is chosen by G-d.
A Roman Matron asked Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta, "In how many days did God create the world?" He said, "In six, as it is said, 'Since six days God made...' (Exodus 20:11) "And since then," she asked, "what has God been doing?" "God sits [on the Heavenly Throne] and makes matches: the daughter of this one to that one, the wife [i.e. widow] of this one to that one, the money of this one to that one," responded R. Yosi. "And for merely this you believe in Him!" she said. "Even I can do that. I have many slaves, both male and female. In no time at all, I can match them for marriage." R. Yosi, "Though this may be an easy thing for you to do, for God it is as difficult as splitting the Sea of Reeds." Whereupon, Rabbi Yosi took his leave. What did she do? The Matron lined up a thousand male and a thousand female slaves and said you marry you, and married them all off that night. The next day, one slave had his head bashed in, another had lost an eye, while a third hobbled because of a broken leg. She said to them: "What happened to you?" and they each said to her: "I don't want this one" [with whom you matched me]." Immediately, she sent for and summoned R. Yosi and she said: "There is no God like your God, and your Torah is true, pleasing and praiseworthy. You spoke wisely." He said to her, "Didn't I tell you, if it appears easy in your eyes, it is difficult for the Holy One Blessed Be He like splitting the sea." "What do you think? That The Holy One Blessed Be He, is marrying them against their will but not for their benefit?!?" This is why it states "God returns the solitary ones homeward, and brings out the chained ones with their bindings" (Psalms 58:7)