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Too Cute Talmud
הָעוֹבֵד עֲבוֹדָה זָרָה, אֶחָד הָעוֹבֵד, וְאֶחָד הַזּוֹבֵחַ, וְאֶחָד הַמְקַטֵּר, וְאֶחָד הַמְנַסֵּךְ, וְאֶחָד הַמִּשְׁתַּחֲוֶה, וְאֶחָד הַמְקַבְּלוֹ עָלָיו לֶאֱלוֹהַּ, וְהָאוֹמֵר לוֹ אֵלִי אָתָּה. אֲבָל הַמְגַפֵּף וְהַמְנַשֵּׁק וְהַמְכַבֵּד וְהַמְּרַבֵּץ וְהַמַּרְחִיץ, הַסָּךְ, הַמַּלְבִּישׁ וְהַמַּנְעִיל, עוֹבֵר בְּלֹא תַעֲשֶׂה. הַנּוֹדֵר בִּשְׁמוֹ וְהַמְקַיֵּם בִּשְׁמוֹ, עוֹבֵר בְּלֹא תַעֲשֶׂה. הַפּוֹעֵר עַצְמוֹ לְבַעַל פְּעוֹר, זוֹ הִיא עֲבוֹדָתוֹ. הַזּוֹרֵק אֶבֶן לְמַרְקוּלִיס, זוֹ הִיא עֲבוֹדָתוֹ:
One who worships idols is executed by stoning. This includes one who worships an idol, and one who slaughters an animal as an idolatrous offering, and one who burns incense as an idolatrous offering, and one who pours a libation in idol worship, and one who bows to an idol, and one who declares that he accepts an idol upon himself as a god, and one who says to an idol: You are my god. But with regard to one who hugs an idol, or one who kisses it, or one who cleans it, or one who sprays water before it, or one who washes it, or one who rubs it with oil, or one who dresses it, or one who puts its shoes on it, he transgresses a prohibition but is not liable to receive capital punishment. With regard to one who vows in an idol’s name and one who affirms his statement by an oath in its name, he transgresses a prohibition. One who defecates before the idol known as Ba’al-Peor is liable to receive capital punishment, even though defecating is a degrading act, as that is its form of worship. Likewise, one who throws a stone at Mercury is liable to receive capital punishment, as that is its form of worship.
אֲזַל אִיעֲסֵק לֵיהּ לִבְרֵיהּ בֵּי רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בֶּן זִימְרָא. פְּסַקוּ לֵיהּ תַּרְתֵּי סְרֵי שְׁנִין לְמֵיזַל בְּבֵי רַב. אַחְלְפוּהָ קַמֵּיהּ, אֲמַר לְהוּ: נִיהְווֹ שֵׁית שְׁנִין. אַחְלְפוּהָ קַמֵּיהּ, אֲמַר לְהוּ: אֶיכְנֹיס וַהֲדַר אֵיזִיל. הֲוָה קָא מִכְּסִיף מֵאֲבוּהּ. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: בְּנִי, דַּעַת קוֹנְךָ יֵשׁ בָּךְ —
He went and arranged for his son to marry a daughter of the household of Rabbi Yosei ben Zimra. They agreed for him that they would support him for twelve years to go to study in the study hall. It was assumed that he would first go to study and afterward get married. They passed the girl in front of the groom and when he saw her he said: Let it be just six years. They passed her in front of him again and he said to them: I will marry her now and then go to study. He was then ashamed to see his father, as he thought he would reprimand him because when he saw the girl he desired her and could not wait. His father placated him and said to him: My son, you have your Maker’s perception, meaning you acted the same way that God does.
רַבִּי אִיעֲסֵק לֵיהּ לִבְרֵיהּ בֵּי רַבִּי חִיָּיא, כִּי מְטָא לְמִיכְתַּב כְּתוּבָּה נָח נַפְשַׁהּ דִּרְבִיתָא. אָמַר רַבִּי: חַס וְשָׁלוֹם פְּסוּלָא אִיכָּא? יְתִיבוּ וְעַיִּינוּ בְּמִשְׁפָּחוֹת, רַבִּי אָתֵי מִשְּׁפַטְיָה בֶּן אֲבִיטַל, וְרַבִּי חִיָּיא אָתֵי מִשִּׁמְעִי אֲחִי דָוִד. אֲזַל אִיעֲסֵק לֵיהּ לִבְרֵיהּ בֵּי רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בֶּן זִימְרָא. פְּסַקוּ לֵיהּ תַּרְתֵּי סְרֵי שְׁנִין לְמֵיזַל בְּבֵי רַב. אַחְלְפוּהָ קַמֵּיהּ, אֲמַר לְהוּ: נִיהְווֹ שֵׁית שְׁנִין. אַחְלְפוּהָ קַמֵּיהּ, אֲמַר לְהוּ: אֶיכְנֹיס וַהֲדַר אֵיזִיל. הֲוָה קָא מִכְּסִיף מֵאֲבוּהּ. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: בְּנִי, דַּעַת קוֹנְךָ יֵשׁ בָּךְ — מֵעִיקָּרָא כְּתִיב: ״תְּבִיאֵמוֹ וְתִטָּעֵמוֹ״, וּלְבַסּוֹף כְּתִיב: ״וְעָשׂוּ לִי מִקְדָּשׁ וְשָׁכַנְתִּי בְּתוֹכָם״. אֲזַל יְתֵיב תַּרְתֵּי סְרֵי שְׁנֵי בְּבֵי רַב. עַד דַּאֲתָא, אִיעֲקַרָא דְּבֵיתְהוּ. אָמַר רַבִּי: הֵיכִי נַעֲבֵיד, נְגָרְשָׁהּ — יֹאמְרוּ: עֲנִיָּיהּ זוֹ לַשָּׁוְא שִׁימְּרָה. נִינְּסִיב אִיתְּתָא אַחֲרִיתִי — יֹאמְרוּ: זוֹ אִשְׁתּוֹ, וְזוֹ זוֹנָתוֹ. בְּעָא עֲלַהּ רַחֲמֵי וְאִיתַּסִּיאַת.
It is related further that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi arranged for his son to marry a daughter of the household of Rabbi Ḥiyya. When he came to write the marriage contract, the girl died. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said: Is there, Heaven forbid, some disqualification in these families, as it appears that God prevented this match from taking place? They sat and looked into the families’ ancestry and found that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi was descended from Shefatya ben Avital, the wife of David, whereas Rabbi Ḥiyya was descended from Shimi, David’s brother. He went and arranged for his son to marry a daughter of the household of Rabbi Yosei ben Zimra. They agreed for him that they would support him for twelve years to go to study in the study hall. It was assumed that he would first go to study and afterward get married. They passed the girl in front of the groom and when he saw her he said: Let it be just six years. They passed her in front of him again and he said to them: I will marry her now and then go to study. He was then ashamed to see his father, as he thought he would reprimand him because when he saw the girl he desired her and could not wait. His father placated him and said to him: My son, you have your Maker’s perception, meaning you acted the same way that God does. The proof for this is that initially it is written: “You bring them and plant them in the mountain of Your inheritance, the place that You, O Lord, have made for You to dwell in” (Exodus 15:17), which indicates that God’s original intention was to build a Temple for the Jewish people after they had entered Eretz Yisrael. And ultimately it is written: “And let them make Me a Sanctuary, that I may dwell among them” (Exodus 25:8), i.e., even while they were still in the desert, which indicates that due to their closeness to God, they enjoyed greater affection and He therefore advanced what would originally have come later. After his wedding he went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. By the time he came back his wife had become infertile, as a consequence of spending many years without her husband. Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said: What should we do? If he will divorce her, people will say: This poor woman waited and hoped for naught. If he will marry another woman to beget children, people will say: This one, who bears him children, is his wife and that one, who lives with him, is his mistress. Therefore, her husband pleaded with God to have mercy on her and she was cured.
אמר רב שבור אנדרפטא שרי פירוז אנדרפטא אסור וסימניך פירוז רשיעא אמר רב הונא בוניא שרי פרוא אסיר וסימניך פרואה אמגושא אמר רב פפא מרדו זגיד ואכיל שרי סגיד ואכיל אסור וסימניך (שמות לד, יד) לא תשתחוה לאל אחר אמר שמואל שתיא חמרא אסירא וסימניך שתויי יין פסולין לעבודה ואמר שמואל מזגא חמרא אסירא בת מזגא חמרא שריא וסימניך יפה כח הבן מכח האב
Rav says: The bird called the shavor anderafta is permitted, but the piruz anderafta is forbidden. And your mnemonic to remember this is the known personality Piruz the Evil. Rav Huna says: The bird called the bunya is permitted. The parva is forbidden. And your mnemonic to remember this is the known personality Parva’a the Sorcerer. Rav Pappa says: The bird known as the reclining and eating mardu is permitted, while the bowing and eating mardu is forbidden. And your mnemonic to remember this is the verse: “You shall bow down to no other god” (Exodus 34:14). Shmuel says: The bird called the wine drinker is forbidden. And your mnemonic to remember this is the halakha: Those who drank wine are unfit for service in the Temple. And Shmuel says: The bird called the wine pourer is forbidden. But the bird called the little wine pourer is permitted. And your mnemonic to remember this is the idiom of the Sages: The power of the son is greater than the power of the father, i.e., the larger is forbidden while the smaller is permitted.
רִבִּי חַגַּיי בְשֵׁם רִבִּי שְׁמוּאֵל בַּר נַחָמָן. הָרִאשׁוֹנִים חָֽרְשׁוּ וְזָֽרְעוּ נִיכְּשׁוּ כִּיסְּחוּ עִידְּרוּ קָֽצְרוּ עִימִּירוּ דָּשׁוּ זָרוּ בָּרְרוּ טָחֲנוּ הִרְקִידוּ לָשׁוּ קִיטִּיפוּ וְאָפוּ. וְאָנוּ אֵין לָנוּ פֶּה לוֹכַל. רִבִּי אַבָּא בַּר זְמִינָא בְשֵׁם רִבִּי זְעוּרָא. אִין הֲווֹן קַדְמָאֵיי מַלְאָכִין אֲנָן בְּנֵי אֵינַשׁ. וְאִין הֲווֹן בְּנֵי אֵנַשׁ אֲנָן חֲמָרִין. אָמַר רִבִּי מָנָא. בְּהַהִיא שַׁעְתָּא אָֽמְרִין. אֲפִילוּ לַחֲמַרְתֵּיהּ דְּרִבִּי פִינְחָס בֶּן יָאִיר לָא אִידְמִינָן. חֲמַרְתֵּיהּ דְּרִבִּי פִינְחָס בֶּן יָאִיר גְּנַבְתָהּ לִיסְטָאֵי בַלֵּילִיָּא. עֲבְדַּת טְמִירָא גַבּוֹן תְּלָתָא יוֹמִין וְלֹא טַעֲמָה כְלוּם. בְּתַר תְלָתָה יוֹמִין אִימְלָכוּן מַחְזַרְתָּהּ. אָֽמְרוּן. אַפְקוּנַהּ מִן הָכָא דְלָא תֵימוּת גָּבָּן. אַפְקוּנַהּ. אָֽזְלַת וְקָמַת לָהּ עַל תִּרְעָא דָמָרָהּ. שְׁרִייַת מְנַהֲקָה. אֲמַר לוֹן. פָּֽתְחוּן לָהָדָא עֲלִיבְתָא דְּאִית לָהּ תְּלָתָא יוֹמִין דְּלָא טַעֲמָה כְלוּם. פָּֽתְחוּן לָהּ וְעָלַת לָהּ. אֲמַר לוֹן. יְהָבוּ לָהּ תֵּיכוּל. יְהָבוּן קוֹמָהּ סְעָרִין וְלָא בָעַת מִיכוּל. אָֽמְרוּן לֵיהּ. רִבִּי. לָא בָעַת מִיכוּל. אֲמַר לוֹן. מְתַקְּנִין אִינּוּן. אָֽמְרוּ לֵיהּ. אִין. אֲמַר לוֹן. וָאַרִימִיתוּן דְּמַיִין. אָֽמְרוּן לֵיהּ. לֹא כֵן אַלְפָּן רִבִּי. הַלּוֹקֵחַ זֶרַע לִבְהֵמָה קֶמַח לְעוֹרוֹת שֶׁמֶן לָאוֹר פָּטוּר מִן הַדְּמַאי. אֲמַר לוֹן. מַה נַעֲבִיד לָהָדָא עֲלִיבְתָא דְּהִיא מַחְמְרָה עָל גַּרְמָהּ סַגִּין. וָאַרִימוֹן דְּמַיִין וְאָֽכְלָת.
Rabbi Ḥaggai said in the name of Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥman: The former Sages, i.e., the scholars of earlier generations, metaphorically plowed and planted, weeded, cleared thorns, hoed, harvested, gathered sheaves into a pile, threshed the sheaves, winnowed the threshed grain, separated the bad grain form the good, ground the remainder into flour, sifted the flour in a sieve, kneaded the dough, smoothed the surface of the unbaked loaves with liquid, and baked the bread. They prepared everything so that we should be able to grasp Torah concepts; and yet, after all that, we have nothing to eat, as we are still unable to understand the Torah properly. The Gemara cites another metaphor with regard to the relationship between the earlier and later generations. Rabbi Abba bar Zemina said in the name of Rabbi Ze’eira: If the former generations were akin to angels, we are akin to humans; and if they were akin to humans, we are akin to donkeys. Rabbi Mana said: At that hour, when the previous statement was issued, they also said: We are not even comparable to the female donkey of Rabbi Pineḥas ben Yair. § The Gemara explains the reference to this particular donkey. The donkey of Rabbi Pineḥas ben Yair was stolen by robbers one night. It was kept hidden by them for three days, and yet it did not eat anything. After three days, they reconsidered and decided to return it. They said: Let’s get it out of here, so that it shouldn’t die in our possession and leave a stench in our cave. When they set it free it went and stood by its master’s gate and began braying. Rabbi Pineḥas said to the members of his household: Open up for that poor creature, which has gone three days without eating anything. They opened the gate for it, and it entered Rabbi Pineḥas’ courtyard. He told them: Give it something to eat. They placed barley before it, but it would not eat. They said to him: Rabbi, it will not eat. He said to them: Has the barley been tithed so that it is fit to eat? They replied: Yes. He then asked them: And have you separated their doubtfully tithed produce? Did you tithe the grain about which there is doubt as to whether it has been tithed properly? They replied: Didn’t you teach us the following, Rabbi: One who purchases grain for feeding an animal, or flour for processing animal hides, or oil for lighting a lamp, is exempt from separating doubtfully tithed produce? There is no need to separate tithes from doubtfully tithed produce to feed a donkey. He said to them: What can we do for that poor creature, which is very strict with itself and will not eat even from doubtfully tithed produce, despite this exemption? And they therefore separated tithes from the doubtfully tithed produce, and the donkey finally ate the barley grains.
וְהֵיכָא אִיתְּמַר דְּרַב חִסְדָּא וְרַב יְחִיאֵל? אַהָא אִתְּמַר, דְּתַנְיָא: נְתָנוֹ לַפִּיל וְהוֹלִיכוֹ, לַקּוֹף וְהוֹלִיכוֹ, אֵין זֶה עֵירוּב. וְאִם אָמַר לְאַחֵר לְקַבְּלוֹ הֵימֶנּוּ — הֲרֵי זֶה עֵירוּב. וְדִילְמָא לָא מַמְטֵי לֵיהּ? אָמַר רַב חִסְדָּא בְּעוֹמֵד וְרוֹאֵהוּ. וְדִילְמָא לָא מְקַבֵּל לֵיהּ מִינֵּיהּ? אָמַר רַב יְחִיאֵל: חֲזָקָה שָׁלִיחַ עוֹשֶׂה שְׁלִיחוּתוֹ. אָמַר רַב נַחְמָן: בְּשֶׁל תּוֹרָה — אֵין חֲזָקָה שָׁלִיחַ עוֹשֶׂה שְׁלִיחוּתוֹ. בְּשֶׁל סוֹפְרִים — חֲזָקָה שָׁלִיחַ עוֹשֶׂה שְׁלִיחוּתוֹ. וְרַב שֵׁשֶׁת אָמַר: אֶחָד זֶה וְאֶחָד זֶה — חֲזָקָה שָׁלִיחַ עוֹשֶׂה שְׁלִיחוּתוֹ.
The Gemara asks: Where were these principles of Rav Ḥisda and Rav Yeḥiel stated? The Gemara answers: They were stated with regard to the following, as it was taught in a baraita: If one gave the eiruv to a trained elephant, and it brought it to the place where he wanted the eiruv deposited, or if he gave it to a monkey, and it brought it to the proper location, it is not a valid eiruv. But if he told another person to receive it from the animal, it is a valid eiruv. The Gemara asks: But perhaps the animal will not bring the eiruv to the person appointed to receive it? Rav Ḥisda said: The baraita is referring to a case where the person sending the eiruv stands and watches it from afar until it reaches the person designated to receive the eiruv. The Gemara asks further: But perhaps the person appointed to receive the eiruv will not accept it from the elephant or monkey. Rav Yeḥiel said: There is a legal presumption that an agent fulfills his agency. Rav Naḥman said: With regard to Torah laws, we do not rely on the presumption that an agent fulfills his agency; rather, one must actually see the agent performing his mission. However, with regard to rabbinic laws, we do rely on the presumption that an agent fulfills his agency. And Rav Sheshet disagreed and said: With regard to both this, Torah law, and that, rabbinic law, we rely on the presumption that an agent fulfills his agency.
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