"השתא אתי, השתא אתי": רומנטיקה, התנגשות ערכית ואתיקה של הקרבה

(ו) הַמַּדִּיר אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ מִתַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה, בֵּית שַׁמַּאי אוֹמְרִים, שְׁתֵּי שַׁבָּתוֹת. בֵּית הִלֵּל אוֹמְרִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הַתַּלְמִידִים יוֹצְאִין לְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה שֶׁלֹּא בִרְשׁוּת, שְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שַׁבָּת אֶחָת. הָעוֹנָה הָאֲמוּרָה בַתּוֹרָה, הַטַּיָּלִין, בְּכָל יוֹם. הַפּוֹעֲלִים, שְׁתַּיִם בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַחַמָּרִים, אַחַת בַּשַּׁבָּת. הַגַּמָּלִים, אַחַת לִשְׁלֹשִׁים יוֹם. הַסַּפָּנִים, אַחַת לְשִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר:

Mishnah Ketubot 5:6

(6) With regard to one who vows that his wife may not derive benefit from marital relations with him, Beit Shammai say: He may maintain this situation for up to two weeks, but beyond that he must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract. Beit Hillel say: He must divorce her if it continues beyond one week. Apropos the husband’s obligation to his wife regarding marital relations, the Gemara mentions other aspects of this issue: Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah (see Exodus 21:10), unless the couple stipulated otherwise, varies according to the man’s occupation and proximity to his home: Men of leisure, who do not work, must engage in marital relations every day, laborers must do so twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.

כתובות ס״ב ב:ג׳-ד׳

הַסַּפָּנִים אַחַת לְשִׁשָּׁה חֳדָשִׁים, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר.

אָמַר רַב בְּרוֹנָא אָמַר רַב: הֲלָכָה כְּרַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר.

אָמַר רַב אַדָּא בַּר אַהֲבָה אָמַר רַב: זוֹ דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר, אֲבָל חֲכָמִים אוֹמְרִים: הַתַּלְמִידִים יוֹצְאִין לְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה שְׁתַּיִם וְשָׁלֹשׁ שָׁנִים שֶׁלֹּא בִּרְשׁוּת.

אָמַר רָבָא: סָמְכוּ רַבָּנַן אַדְּרַב אַדָּא בַּר אַהֲבָה וְעָבְדִי עוֹבָדָא בְּנַפְשַׁיְיהוּ,

כִּי הָא דְּרַב רְחוּמִי הֲוָה שְׁכִיחַ קַמֵּיהּ דְּרָבָא בְּמָחוֹזָא,

הֲוָה רְגִיל דַּהֲוָה אָתֵי לְבֵיתֵיהּ כֹּל מַעֲלֵי יוֹמָא דְכִיפּוּרֵי.

יוֹמָא חַד מְשַׁכְתֵּיהּ שְׁמַעְתָּא.

הֲוָה מְסַכְּיָא דְּבֵיתְהוּ: הַשְׁתָּא אָתֵי, הַשְׁתָּא אָתֵי.

לָא אֲתָא.

חֲלַשׁ דַּעְתַּהּ, אַחִית דִּמְעֲתָא מֵעֵינַהּ.

הֲוָה יָתֵיב בְּאִיגָּרָא,

אִפְּחִית אִיגָּרָא מִתּוּתֵיהּ וְנָח נַפְשֵׁיהּ.

Ketubot 62b:3-4

§ The mishna stated: For sailors, the set interval for conjugal relations is once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Berona said that Rav said: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Adda bar Ahava said that Rav said: This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer, but the Rabbis say: Students may leave their homes to study Torah for as long as two or three years without permission from their wives. Rava said: The Sages relied on Rabbi Adda bar Ahava’s opinion and performed an action like this themselves, but the results were sometimes fatal. This is as it is related about Rav Reḥumi, who would commonly study before Rava in Meḥoza: He was accustomed to come back to his home every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. One day he was particularly engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and so he remained in the study hall and did not go home. His wife was expecting him that day and continually said to herself: Now he is coming, now he is coming. But in the end, he did not come. She was distressed by this and a tear fell from her eye. At that exact moment, Rav Reḥumi was sitting on the roof. The roof collapsed under him and he died. This teaches how much one must be careful, as he was punished severely for causing anguish to his wife, even inadvertently.

כתובות ס״ב ב:י״א-י״ב

רַבִּי חֲנַנְיָה בֶּן חֲכִינַאי הֲוָה קָאָזֵיל לְבֵי רַב בְּשִׁילְהֵי הִלּוּלֵיהּ דְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יוֹחַאי,

אֲמַר לֵיהּ: אִיעַכַּב לִי עַד דְּאָתֵי בַּהֲדָךְ.

לָא אִיעַכַּב לֵיהּ.

אֲזַל יְתֵיב תְּרֵי סְרֵי שְׁנֵי בְּבֵי רַב.

עַד דְּאָתֵי, אִישְׁתַּנּוֹ שְׁבִילֵי דְמָתָא וְלָא יְדַע לְמֵיזַל לְבֵיתֵיהּ.

אֲזַל יְתֵיב אַגּוּדָּא דְּנַהֲרָא.

שְׁמַע לְהַהִיא רְבִיתָא דַּהֲווֹ קָרוּ לַהּ: ״בַּת חֲכִינַאי, בַּת חֲכִינַאי, מַלַּי קוּלְּתִיךְ וְתָא נֵיזִיל״. אֲמַר: שְׁמַע מִינַּהּ הַאי רְבִיתָא דִּידַן.

אֲזַל בָּתְרַהּ.

הֲוָה יְתִיבָא דְּבֵיתְהוּ קָא נָהֲלָה קִמְחָא,

דַּל עֵינַהּ חֲזִיתֵיהּ,

סְוִי לִבַּהּ,

פְּרַח רוּחַהּ,

אָמַר לְפָנָיו: רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, עֲנִיָּיה זוֹ זֶה שְׂכָרָהּ?!

בְּעָא רַחֲמֵי עֲלַהּ וְ[אַ]חֲיַיהּ.

Ketubot 62b:11-12

Rabbi Ḥananya ben Ḥakhinai went to the study hall at the end of Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai’s wedding feast. Rabbi Shimon said to him: Wait for me until I can come with you, after my days of celebration are over. However, since he wanted to learn Torah, he did not wait and went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. By the time he came back, all the paths of his city had changed and he did not know how to go to his home. He went and sat on the bank of the river and heard people calling to a certain girl: Daughter of Ḥakhinai, daughter of Ḥakhinai, fill your pitcher and come up. He said: I can conclude from this that this is our daughter, meaning his own daughter, whom he had not recognized after so many years. He followed her to his house. His wife was sitting and sifting flour. She lifted her eyes up, saw him and recognized him, and her heart fluttered with agitation and she passed away from the emotional stress. Rabbi Ḥananya said before God: Master of the universe, is this the reward of this poor woman? He pleaded for mercy for her and she lived.

כתובות ס״ב ב:י״ג-י״ד

רַבִּי חָמָא בַּר בֵּיסָא אֲזַיל יְתֵיב תְּרֵי סְרֵי שְׁנֵי בְּבֵי מִדְרְשָׁא.

כִּי אֲתָא, אֲמַר: לָא אֶיעֱבֵיד כִּדְעָבֵיד בֶּן חֲכִינַאי.

עָיֵיל יָתֵיב בֵּ[י] מִדְרְשָׁא, שְׁלַח לְבֵיתֵיהּ.

אֲתָא רַבִּי אוֹשַׁעְיָא בְּרֵיהּ, יָתֵיב קַמֵּיהּ.

הֲוָה קָא מְשַׁאֵיל לֵיהּ שְׁמַעְתָּא, חֲזָא דְּקָא מְחַדְּדִי שְׁמַעְתָּתֵיהּ, חֲלַשׁ דַּעְתֵּיהּ,

אֲמַר: אִי הֲוַאי הָכָא, הֲוָה לִי זֶרַע כִּי הַאי.

עָל לְבֵיתֵיהּ,

עָל בְּרֵיהּ, קָם קַמֵּיהּ.

הוּא סָבַר לְמִשְׁאֲלֵיהּ שְׁמַעְתְּתָא קָא בָעֵי,

אֲמַרָה לֵיהּ דְּבֵיתְהוּ: מִי אִיכָּא אַבָּא דְּקָאֵים מִקַּמֵּי בְּרָא?

קָרֵי עֲלֵיהּ רָמֵי בַּר חָמָא: ״הַחוּט הַמְשׁוּלָּשׁ לֹא בִּמְהֵרָה יִנָּתֵק״ — זֶה רַבִּי אוֹשַׁעְיָא בְּנוֹ שֶׁל רַבִּי חָמָא בַּר בֵּיסָא.

Ketubot 62b:13-14

Rabbi Ḥama bar Bisa went and sat for twelve years in the study hall. When he came back to his house, he said: I will not do what the son of Ḥakhinai, who came home suddenly with tragic consequences for his wife, did. He went and sat in the study hall in his hometown, and sent a message to his house that he had arrived. While he was sitting there his son Rabbi Oshaya, whom he did not recognize, came and sat before him. Rabbi Oshaya asked him questions about halakha, and Rabbi Ḥama saw that the halakhot of Rabbi Oshaya were incisive, i.e., he was very sharp. Rabbi Ḥama was distressed and said: If I had been here and had taught my son I would have had a child like this. Rabbi Ḥama went in to his house and his son went in with him. Rabbi Ḥama then stood up before him to honor a Torah scholar, since he thought that he wanted to ask him a matter of halakha. His wife said to him: Is there a father who stands up before his son? The Gemara comments: Rami bar Ḥama read the verse about him: “A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). This is referring to Rabbi Oshaya, son of Rabbi Ḥama bar Bisa, as he represented the third generation of Torah scholars in his family.

משנה תורה, הלכות אישות י״ד:ב׳

יֵשׁ לְאִשָּׁה לְעַכֵּב עַל בַּעְלָהּ שֶׁלֹּא יֵצֵא לִסְחוֹרָה אֶלָּא לְמָקוֹם קָרוֹב שֶׁלֹּא יִמָּנַע מֵעוֹנָתָהּ וְלֹא יֵצֵא אֶלָּא בִּרְשׁוּתָהּ. וְכֵן יֵשׁ לָהּ לְמָנְעוֹ לָצֵאת מִמְּלָאכָה שֶׁעוֹנָתָהּ קְרוֹבָה לִמְלָאכָה שֶׁעוֹנָתָהּ רְחוֹקָה. כְּגוֹן חַמָּר שֶׁבִּקֵּשׁ לְהֵעָשׂוֹת גַּמָּל אוֹ גַּמָּל לְהֵעָשׂוֹת מַלָּח. וְתַלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים יוֹצְאִין לְתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה שֶׁלֹּא בִּרְשׁוּת נְשׁוֹתֵיהֶן שְׁתַּיִם וְשָׁלֹשׁ שָׁנִים. וְכֵן רַךְ וְעָנֹג שֶׁנַּעֲשָׂה תַּלְמִיד חָכָם אֵין אִשְׁתּוֹ יְכוֹלָה לְעַכֵּב:

Mishneh Torah, Marriage 14:2

A wife has the right to prevent her husband from making business trips except to close places, so that he will not be prevented from fulfilling his conjugal duties. He may make such journeys only with her permission.
Similarly, she has the prerogative of preventing him from changing from a profession that grants her more frequent conjugal rights to one that grants her less frequent rights - e.g., a donkey-driver who wishes to become a camel-driver, or a camel-driver who wishes to become a seaman.
Students of the Torah may, however, depart for Torah study for two or three years without their wives' permission. Similarly, a wife cannot prevent a husband who is pampered and indulged from becoming a student of the Torah.

מאירי על כתובות ס״א ב:ד׳

התלמידים ר"ל ההולכים ללמוד תורה יוצאים לתלמוד תורה שלא ברשות נשותיהן שלשים יום כלומר אע"פ שממה שכתבנו אתה למד שיש לאשה לעכב את בעלה שלא יצא לסחורה אלא במקום קרוב שיהא יכול להשלים עונתה הראויה לה ממנו לפי אמנותו אלא ברשותה כדי שלא יגרע עונתה לתלמוד תורה מיהא יכולים לצאת שלא ברשות שלשים יום ואע"פ שחיוב עונתם מערב שבת לערב שבת וכן תמיד כל שנשאר שלשים בביתו יוצא ללמוד משלשים לשלשים וזהו לשון יוצאין ובגמרא אמרוה לדעת חכמים אפילו שתים ושלש שנים ואע"פ שהלכה כר' אליעזר שבמשנתנו סמכו התלמידים בזו לעצמם כחכמים.

Meiri on Ketubot 61b:4

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