The concept of sholom and machlokes among family members isn’t an uncommon phenomenon. Unfortunately, it is all too common. In fact, the Medrash says it’s almost ubiquitous. The history of the world is that all brothers hated each other.
מַה זֶּה אָחִיו שׂוֹנֵא אוֹתוֹ, אַף זֶה אֶחָיו שׂוֹנְאִים אוֹתוֹ.
(6) This one was hated by his brother, that one was hated by his brothers.
כָּל הָאַחִים שׂוֹנְאִים זֶה לָזֶה. קַיִן שׂוֹנֵא לְהֶבֶל... יִשְׁמָעֵאל שׂוֹנֵא לְיִצְחָק... עֵשָׂו שׂוֹנֵא לְיַעֲקֹב... הַשְּׁבָטִים, שָׂנְאוּ לְיוֹסֵף...
All brothers hated each other. Cain hated Abel... Ishmael hated Isaac... Esau hated Jacob... And the tribes hated Joseph...
This is history! Since the beginning of humanity, brothers were at each other’s throats, literally and figuratively! Nevertheless, the Medrash is telling us that this is part of creation. Siblings don’t get along. Perhaps this is indicated from the Gemara:
אוֹיְבֵי אִישׁ אַנְשֵׁי בֵיתוֹ...
A man’s enemies will be the members of his household...
If any of you ever need the incentive to make sholom with the members of your family, what I’m going to tell you will give you all the incentives you ever needed.
There is a mind-boggling verse which we read on Yom Kippur:
(ט) אָ֤ז תִּקְרָא֙ וַיקוק יַעֲנֶ֔ה תְּשַׁוַּ֖ע וְיֹאמַ֣ר הִנֵּ֑נִי...
(9) Then, when you call, the LORD will answer;
When you cry, He will say: Here I am...
Do you know what the word הִנֵּנִי means and how it is used in Tanach? הִנֵּנִי is the equivalent of saying, “Here I am - at your service!” There are 14 places in Tanach where you have the expression וְיֹאמַר הִנֵּנִי or וַיֹּאמֶר הִנֵּנִי - each time it’s a subordinate responding to a Superior:
There is, however, one exception:
When you cry, He will say: Here I am.
If you banish the yoke from your midst,
The menacing hand,-b and evil speech,
Isn’t that amazing?! Hashem, as it were, says to us, “What can I do for you?” What on earth, do we do to get that type of reaction? Do you have to immerse yourself in the mikvah three hundred times, say tehillim all whole day or fast forty days and forty nights? The Gemara provides us with a simpler method:
וְהַמְקָרֵב אֶת קְרוֹבָיו... ״אָז תִּקְרָא וַה׳ יַעֲנֶה תְּשַׁוַּע וְיֹאמַר הִנֵּנִי״.
and who draws his relatives close... “Then shall you call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say: Here I am” (Isaiah 58:9).
What’s the explanation behind this? If you want your tefillos to get answered all you have to do is be nice to your relatives and then Hashem will say הִנֵּנִי, here I am! However, this is one exception. Rebbe Shimon bar Yochai
וזה שאמרו 'האוהב את שכניו, והמקרב את קרוביו, והנושא את בת אחותו, והמלוה סלע לעני בשעת דחקו, עליו הכתוב אומר "אז תקרא וה' יענה וגו'". ורוצה לומר, כי יש לאדם להתחבר אל אשר יש לו חבור אליו. כי השכנים - האדם קרוב אליהם מצד הדירה, והכתוב אומר (משלי כז, י) "טוב שכן קרוב מאח רחוק". ויש לאדם חבור אל קרוביו, שהם בשר ודם שלו. וכן יש לאדם קרוב וחבור אל עמו, ועל זה אמר 'המלוה סלע לעני בשעת דחקו, דכתיב (שמות כב, כד) "אם כסף תלוה את עמי את העני עמך", רוצה לומר שהעני שהוא עמו יש לו לקרבו ולהלות לו. וכן כאשר נושא בת אחותו, הרי* זה הקירוב הגמור, שהרי האיש והאשה נעשו אדם אחד, כמו שאמר הכתוב (בראשית ב, כד) "על כן יעזב איש את אביו ואת אמו ודבק באשתו והיו לבשר אחד".
A person who turns to those who are close to him - his neighbors, his relatives or his niece - and draws them closer is rewarded in kind. Hashem declares, “I too am your Relative (karov)” and He responds to that person’s own needs, as the verse says: “For which great nation has a G-d Who is close (kerovim) to it, as is Hashem, our G-d, whenever we call to Him!!!” (I.e. like a relative).
It’s a very simple formula. Hashem says, “I’m your relative. I’ll treat you like My relative. I just have to find out one thing, ‘How do you treat your relatives?” That’s what sets the tone. Of course, there’s a flipside to it. If you don’t treat your relatives with the proper respect that they deserve, then Hashem says, “That’s the way I’ll treat you!”
What does it mean to treat your relatives with the improper respect?
Like I said before loshon hora. Rav Yisrael Meir HaKohen Kagan tells a few halachos that many people are unaware of:
(א) אֵין חִלּוּק בְּאִסוּר סִפּוּר לָשׁוֹן הָרָע, בֵּין אִם הַמְסַפֵּר אִישׁ אוֹ (א) אִשָּׁה, קָרוֹב אוֹ רָחוֹק, אַף דִּרְגִילוּת הוּא כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים, (ב) שֶׁלֹּא יַקְפִּיד הָאִישׁ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר הַגְּנוּת עָלָיו, עַל הַמְסַפֵּר מִצַּד אַהֲבַת הַקֻּרְבָה אֲשֶׁר בֵּינֵיהֶם, וְגַם דֶרֶךְ קָרוֹב הוּא, כְּשֶׁמְסַפֵּר לְאֶחָד עַל קְרוֹבוֹ, אֵינֶנּוּ מְכַוֵּן לְגַנּוֹתוֹ בְּעֶצֶם, רַק מִפְּנִי קִנְאַת הָאֱמֶת, שֶׁלְּפִי דַּעְתּוֹ, שֶׁלֹּא כַּהֹגֶן עָשָׂה לְאִישׁ פְּלוֹנִי בְּעִנְיַן פְּלוֹנִי, אַף עַל פִּי כֵן (ג) אִם טָעָה בְּדִמְיוֹנוֹ בָּזֶה, דְּהַיְנוּ, שֶׁמִּהֵר לְהַחְלִיטוֹ לְכַף חוֹב, וְעַל פִּי אֱמֶת לֹא הָיָה חַיָּב בָּזֶה, אֵין דָּבָר זֶה יוֹצֵּא מִכְּלַל לָשׁוֹן הָרָע גְּמוּרָה.
(1) There is no difference, in the issur of speaking lashon hara, as to whether the speaker is a man or a woman, a relative or not related, though commonly one who is demeaned will not take offense if the speaker is motivated by the family love that unites them. And it is also the way of a relative that when he speaks to one about his kin, his intent is not to demean him, but to be zealous for the truth, it being his view that his relative acted wrongly to another in a certain matter. Still, if he [the speaker] erred in judgment in this respect, i.e., if he was too hasty to incriminate his relative when he was really guiltless, this does not leave the category of absolute lashon hara.
(א) וְדַע עוֹד, דְּאִסוּר לָשׁוֹן הָרָע הוּא אֲפִלּוּ אִם מְגַנְּה אוֹתוֹ בִּפְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן אִם מְגַנֵּהוּ בִּפְנִי נָכְרִים, דַּעֲוֹנוֹ גָּדוֹל הַרְבֵּה יוֹתֵר, כִּי מִלְּבַד שֶׁהוּא מְבַזֶּה כְּבוֹד יִשְׂרָאֵל וּמְחַלֵּל כְּבוֹד שָׁמַיִם עַל יְדֵי זֶה, עוֹד הוּא גּוֹרֵם בָּזֶה רָעָה רַבָּה לַחֲבֵרוֹ, כִּי אִם יְסַפֵּר עַל חֲבֵרוֹ בִּפְנִי יִשְׂרָאֵל עִנְיַן גְּנוּת, לֹא יַחְלִיט תֵּכֶף לִדְבָרָיו, אֲבָל אִם יְסַפֵּר עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּפְנֵי נָכְרִי, שֶׁהַיִּשְׂרָאֵל הַזֶּה הוּא רַמַּאי וּמְאַנֶּה לַבְּרִיּוֹת וְכַיּוֹצֵּא בָּזֶה, יַחְלִיט תֵּכֶף לָזֶה וִיפַרְסֵם דָּבָר זֶה בִּפְנִי כֹּל, (וּכעֵין זֶה אִיתָא בַּתּוספות בְּבָבָא בַּתרָא דַּף ל"ט, בַּמֶּה שִׁפֵּרשׁוּ הַנָּפְקָּא מִנַּה בֵּין לָשׁון הָרָע, למִחָאָה, עַיֵּן שָׁם) וִיסֻבַּב לוֹ הֶזֵּק וְצַּעַר מִזֶּה. וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן אִם הוּא הוֹלֵךְ וּמַלְשִׁין עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּפְנִי נָכְרִים, בְּוַדַּאי עֲוֹנוֹ גָּדוֹל מִנְּשֹא, כִּי הוּא נִכְנָס עַל יְדֵי זֶה בִּכְלַל הַמַּלְשִׁינִים, וְדִּינוֹ שָׁוֶה לְאֶפִּיקוֹרֵס וְהַכּוֹפְרִים בַּתּוֹרָה וּבִתְחִיַּת הַמֵּתִים, שֶׁגֵּיהִנֹּם כָּלֶה, וְהֵם אֵינָם כָּלִים, כְּמוֹ שֶׁשָּׁנִינוּ בְּמַסֶכֶת ראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה {דף י"ז}, עַל כֵּן צָּרִיךְ כָּל אִישׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל לִשְׁמֹר אֶת עַצְמוֹ מִזֶּה עַד מְאֹד. וּמִי שֶׁעוֹבֵר עַל זֶה וְהוֹלֵךְ וּמַלְשִׁין * עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּפְנֵיהֶם, הֲרֵי הוּא כְּאִלּוּ חֵרֵף וְגִדֵּף וְהֵרִים יָד בְּתוֹרַת משֶה רַבֵּנוּ עָלָיו הַשָּׁלוֹם, וּכְמוֹ שֶׁנִּפְסָק בְּחֹשֶן מִּשְׁפָּט {סימן כ"ו}*.
(1) And know also that the issur of lashon hara obtains even if he demeans him before a Jew; how much more so if he demeans him before gentiles! For aside from his shaming the honor of Israel and desecrating the honor of Heaven thereby, he also causes great evil thereby to his friend. For if he speaks demeaningly of his friend before a Jew, he will not be immediately believed. But if he speaks about a Jew to a gentile, [telling him] that this Jew is a deceiver and a wronger of men and the like, he will believe this immediately and spread it to all and cause him harm and grief. How much more so, if he goes and informs against a Jew before gentiles, is his sin too great to bear. For he enters by this into the class of "the informers," and his din is like that of a heretic and of those who deny Torah and the resurrection, "Gehinnom ending, but they not ending." (viz. Rosh Hashana 17a). Therefore, every many of Israel must greatly guard himself against this. And one who transgresses this and goes and informs against a Jew before them is like one who would insult and blaspheme and lift his hand against Moshe Rabbeinu, may peace be upon him (viz. Choshen Mishpat 26).
(א) וְעַתָּה נְבָאֵר דִּין קַבָּלַת לָשׁוֹן הָרָע*. עִנְיַן קַּבָּלַת לָשׁוֹן הָרָע, שֶׁהִזְהִירָה לָנוּ הַתּוֹרָה מִזֶּה, דְּהַיְנוּ, שֶׁלֹּא לְהַאֲמִין בַּלֵּב, שֶׁהַדָּבָר אֱמֶת. וְאֵין צֹרֶךְ לָנוּ לְהַאֲרִיךְ וּלְבָאֵר אֶת מַהוּתוֹ שֶׁל הַמְקַּבֵּל וְאֶת הָאִישׁ, שֶׁהוּא מְקַּבֵּל עָלָיו, כִּי כִּמְעַט לֹא נִמְצָּא בּוֹ חִלּוּק. אֶלָּא כְּלַל הַדְּבָרִים בְּקִצּוּר הוּא כָּךְ, כָּל אִישׁ יִשְׂרָאֵל מְצֻוֶּה, שֶׁלֹּא לְקַבֵּל לָשׁוֹן הָרָע עַל (כו) שׁוּם אָדָם מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל, חוּץ מֵעַל אֶפִּיקוֹרְסִים וּמַלְשִׁינִים וְכַיּוֹצֵּא בְּאֵלּוּ, אוֹתָם, שֶׁיָּצְּאוּ מִכְּלַל "עֲמִיתֶךָ".
(1) And now we shall explain the din of accepting lashon hara. The acceptance of lashon hara, which the Torah exhorted us against, is not to believe in one's heart that the thing [said] is true. There is no need to expatiate upon [the difference between] the nature of the accepter and [that of] the man whom he accepts about. For there is almost no difference. But, the principle of the thing, in short, is this. Every Jew is commanded not to accept lashon hara against any other Jew — except about heretics, informers, and the like — those who have left the category of "your fellow."
(א) וּרְאֵה עוֹד אֶת גֹּדֶל אִסוּר לָשׁוֹן הָרָע, (ב) שֶׁאֲפִלּוּ אֵינוֹ מְדַבֵּר מִתּוֹךְ הַשִּׂנְאָה וְלֹא נִתְכַּוֵּן בְּהַסִפּוּר לְגַנּוֹתוֹ, רַק אֲמָרוֹ דֶּרֶךְ שְׂחוֹק וְדֶרֶךְ קַלּוּת רֹאשׁ, אַף עַל פִּי כֵן כֵּיוָן שֶׁעַל פִּי אֱמֶת דִּבְרֵי גְּנַאי הוּא, אָסוּר מִן הַתּוֹרָה.
(1) And see further how great the issur of lashon hara is. For even if he does not speak out of hatred and does not intend in what he says to demean him, but speaks only in jest and from light-headedness, still, since in truth these are demeaning words, it is forbidden by the Torah.
We all know that there’s a mitzvah of הַכְנָסַת אוֹרְחִים, inviting guests. However, what is the essence of הַכְנָסַת אוֹרְחִים? Some may answer, “When you see someone in shul that no one is giving attention to and you decide to invite him to your house; that’s the best type of הַכְנָסַת אוֹרְחִים?"
Rav Chaim ben Betzalel says:
פרק השלישי
וראוי לאדם לקרב שכיניו ומיודעיו אפי' הן עשירים יכניסם לפעמים לביתו כדי לכבדם וזהו מצות הכנסת האורחים שמנו...
You invite your relatives (to your house). For that, in essence, is the primary mitzvah of HaChnosas Orchim!
Then he continues:
(ב) וכן היה המנהג אף מימים הקדמונים להיות לכל משפחה ומשפחה יום מיוחד בשנה שהיה להם למשתה ולשמחה כמ"ש דוד כי זבח משפחה לנו בעיר.
There was a custom in Klal Yisrael that every family designated a specific day of the year, in which they made a Seudah. The Seudah itself did not take place on a Yom Tov. Where does it say that? The Novi says, “For we have a family feast-offering in the city…”
What does that mean in English? That means the family barbecue! (i.e. having a Labor Day picnic on July 4th). What type of Yom Tov is Labor Day? You make it into a Yom Tov with your family. Anything that promotes family unity is a worthwhile endeavor.
Some people might be thinking to themselves, “This topic is not something that I have to be concerned about! I love mother-in-law and she loves me. I’m at peace with my brothers and sisters. Finally, a topic that I don’t have to feel guilty about!”
This topic is applicable to everyone. Because, if you have never been in a machlokes with any of your family members, it’s still a Mishnah:
(א) אֵלּוּ דְבָרִים שֶׁאָדָם אוֹכֵל פֵּרוֹתֵיהֶן בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה וְהַקֶּרֶן קַיֶּמֶת לוֹ לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא. כִּבּוּד אָב וָאֵם... וַהֲבָאַת שָׁלוֹם בֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ...
(1) The following are the things for which a man enjoys the fruits in this world while the principal remains for him in the world to come: Honoring one’s father and mother... And the making of peace between a person and his friend; And the study of the torah is equal to them all.
What is different about peace, versus everything else mentioned in Eilu Devarim? The Medrash tells us that many of the mitzvos require a certain time and place for their performance. Whereas the mitzvah of, “Seek peace and pursue it,” is not bound by time. We have to continually strive to promote and maintain peace in our own lives and the lives of others (See Seek Peace and Pursue It by David J. Lieberman, page xi).
I would venture to say that each person knows at least one family that’s in a machlokes. Try to bring sholom. Bringing sholom is no easy task and can be a difficult thing. It will not take you hours or days. Sometimes, it will take you months or even sometimes years! Still, you should bring sholom. That’s your ticket to the World to Come (See Pele Yo’etz, entries שכר מצוה and מחלוקת).
You know what it is, that you have to try to make people aware of? That when they are in a machlokes, they sincerely, honestly, profoundly and deeply believe, “I’m right… and he or she is wrong!” In Parshas Korach, thee following:
(ה) וְלֹֽא־יִהְיֶ֤ה כְקֹ֙רַח֙ וְכַ֣עֲדָת֔וֹ כַּאֲשֶׁ֨ר דִּבֶּ֧ר יקוק בְּיַד־מֹשֶׁ֖ה לֽוֹ׃ {פ}
(5) no outsider—one not of Aaron’s offspring—should presume to offer incense before יקוק and suffer the fate of Korah and his band.
(יב) הִלֵּל וְשַׁמַּאי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. הִלֵּל אוֹמֵר, הֱוֵי מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל אַהֲרֹן, אוֹהֵב שָׁלוֹם וְרוֹדֵף שָׁלוֹם, אוֹהֵב אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת וּמְקָרְבָן לַתּוֹרָה:
(12) Hillel and Shammai received [the oral tradition] from them. Hillel used to say: be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving mankind and drawing them close to the Torah.
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz zt”l, once explained that the posuk as follows:
“There shall no more be like Korach and his followers,” is a prediction as well. ‘There will never again be such a one sided argument, where one party was so clearly right and the other party so clearly wrong as in this case of Korach and his followers arguing with Moshe Rabbeinu. This was a case where one side was 100% right and the other side 100% wrong. Never again would there be such a morally lopsided argument.’ The Torah is asserting that never again in history will there ever be such a machlokes where it is so clear-cut who is right and who is wrong. Perhaps, in the future perhaps there may be a machlokes where one party is 99 percent right. There may be a machlokes that are tilted 90/10 or 80/20 in favor of one side. However, we will never have as clear-cut a dispute as that of Korach.
Sometimes we have reason to be angry with someone or to be in a state of dispute with someone. We may, in fact, be ‘almost’ right! Nevertheless, it is only ‘almost’. Maybe the other person’s reaction to a certain thing we did or said was very inappropriate and totally out of proportion. Nevertheless, maybe, there was some element of error on our part in what we did or said in the first place to trigger the reaction. Even for the 10% or 5% of the blame that may be attributable to our initial remarks or actions, it is worthwhile to apologize even if 90-95% of the blame is with the other party. The meaning of “There will not be like Korach and his Congregation” is that no one will ever be 100% right, totally beyond the realm of blame and apology (Forgiveness by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski).
In general, having a machlokes specifically with your family is like walking around with a burden on your back. They will be freer, happier and you will be doing them the biggest favor. All He wants from us is that we should be sholom among one another. The Holy One Blessed be He says to the Jewish people:
וכך אמר להם הקב"ה לישראל בני אהובי כלום חסרתי דבר שאבקש מכם ומה אני מבקש מכם אלא שתהיו אוהבין זה את זה ותהיו מכבדין זה את זה ותהיו יראים זה מזה...