Friendship, Love, and Patience The Difference between Revenge and a Grudge

What makes a good friend?

Orchot Tzadikim, originally named Sefer Ha-Middot by the anonymous author, is a book of Jewish ethical teachings. Written in Germany in the middle ages (c.1400 - c.1500 CE), Orchot Tzadikim follows the structure of "The Improvement of the Moral Qualities" by Solomon ibn Gabirol and adds teachings from the Rambam and others. The work advocates improving one’s character and exercising balance in one’s life. Composed: Middle-Age Germany (c.1400 - c.1500 CE)

אורחות צדיקים ה׳:כ״ו

וכן חבר שייקח ממך צרכו, ויזיקך היזק גדול עבור הנאה מועטת – מהר וסור מעליו. ואל תתחבר למסכימים על העוולה, שנאמר (ישעיהו ח יב): "לא תאמרון קשר, לכל אשר יאמר העם הזה קשר".

Orchot Tzadikim 5:26

And similarly a friend who will take from you whatever he needs and cause you much harm for the little benefit he will gain from the transaction — quickly turn away from such a friend. And do not make friends with those who "go along with the crowd" and who always agree that there is an injustice, as it is said, "Do not say 'Conspiracy!' just because this people says 'Conspiracy!' " (Is. 8:12).

אורחות צדיקים ה׳:כ״ה

ואמר החכם לבנו: שמע בני! כי יעלה בלבבך להתחבר עם בני אדם – התחבר עם חכם, כדכתיב (משלי יג כ): "הולך את חכמים יחכם"; ונאמר (שם ט ט): "תן לחכם ויחכם עוד". שאם תחכם – יפארך ולא יחלוק על חכמתך, ואז תדע שתוכל לסמוך על חכמתך. אם תכבדהו – יכבדך; תהדרהו – יהדרך; ואם תצטרך לעזרתו – יעזרך; ומה שתאמר יצדיקך; אם תכעס – יסבלך; ותלמד ממעשיו הטובים. והתחבר עם כל אדם שתלמד ממנו דברים אשר יביאוך לעבודת הבורא יתברך. ואמרו חכמים: כשתרצה לחבור עם איזה אדם – הכעיסהו, ואם יודה לך האמת בשעת כעסו – התחבר לו; ואם לאו – עזוב אותו. ואל תתחבר אלא למי שיכיר את ערך עצמו, ומי שאינו מכיר את ערך עצמו – אין טוב בחברתו. קנה לך חבר המוכיח אותך בעשותך שלא כהוגן, והמלמדך לעשות הטוב, ואל תקוץ בתוכחתו; והעוזר אותך בנפשו ובממונו, והעוזר קנה ולא תמכור, וזהו חברך הנאמן. אבל חבר המחניף והמיישר לך טעותך ושגגתך, והמנחם אותך על מעשיך הרעים – הסתלק מעליו, ומנע רגלך מנתיבתו.

Orchot Tzadikim 5:25

And the wise man said to his son, "If it should occur to you to make friends or companions, then make friends with a wise person as it is written: 'He that walks with the wise shall be wise' (Prov. 13:20). And it is said: 'Give knowledge to a wise man and he will be yet wiser' (Prov. 9:9). And so if you wish to grow in wisdom be a companion to the wise, for if you do act wisely your wise friend will praise you and not question your wisdom, and then you will know that you can rely on your wisdom. If they honor him, he will honor you; if they praise him, he will praise you. If you need his help, he will help you, and in the things you say he will declare you to be in the right. If you grow angry he will have patience with you, and you will learn from his good deeds. And be a companion to every person from whom you can learn things that will bring you to the Service of God, Blessed may He be!" And the Sages said, "If you wish to become a friend of a man get him angry with you and if he will still admit and confess the truth of what you say even in his wrath then become his companion and friend. If not, leave him. But, when you choose a friend, choose one who knows his own worth, for if he does not know himself his wisdom is of no good. Acquire a friend who will rebuke you when you do something that is not proper and who will teach you to do the good, and who will help you with his might and money — and such a friend will be faithful. But a friend who flatters you and smooths over your mistakes and errors and comforts you when you have done evil things — separate yourself from such a one.

אורחות צדיקים ה׳:כ״ט

ואם ידקדק אדם על עצמו, ויהיו דבריו בנחת עם הבריות ודעתו מעורבת עימהם, נעלב ואינו עולב, ומכבד אפילו אותם המקילים בו, ונושא ונותן באמונה, ולא ירבה בארוחת עמי הארץ וישיבתם, ולא יראה נראה תמיד אלא עוסק בתורה, ועטוף בציצית ומוכתר בתפילין, ועושה בכל מעשיו לפנים משורת הדין, והוא שלא יתרחק הרבה ולא ישתומם, עד שימצאו הכל מקלסים אותו ואוהבים אותו ומתאווים למעשיו - הרי זה קידש את השם, ועליו הכתוב אומר (ישעיהו מט ג): "ויאמר לי עבדי אתה, ישראל אשר בך אתפאר".

Orchot Tzadikim 5:29

And if a man is careful in guarding himself from these things and if his words are gentle with all people and he is pleasant and sociable with them, is abused by them but does not abuse them, honors them — even those who make light of him — and deals with every person honestly and does not spend too much time in the gatherings of the ignorant and their parties, and is not seen flitting about, but occupies himself with Torah, wrapped in his fringed Tallit and crowned with his Tefillin, and does more than is required of him by the letter of the law, but at the same time, does not separate himself utterly from the community and make himself a hermit, and if as a result of his behavior every one will praise him and love him and long to emulate his deeds — such a person sanctifies the Name of God and about him Scripture says! "And he said to me 'You are my servant Israel through whom I will be glorified' " (Is. 49:3).

Revenge versus Grudge?

יומא כ״ב ב:כ״א

וְאָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן מִשּׁוּם רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יְהוֹצָדָק: כׇּל תַּלְמִיד חָכָם

Yoma 22b:21

And Rabbi Yoḥanan said in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Yehotzadak: Any Torah scholar

יומא כ״ג א:א׳

שֶׁאֵינוֹ נוֹקֵם וְנוֹטֵר כְּנָחָשׁ — אֵינוֹ תַּלְמִיד חָכָם. וְהָכְתִיב: ״לֹא תִקּוֹם וְלֹא תִטּוֹר״? הָהוּא, בְּמָמוֹן הוּא דִּכְתִיב, דְּתַנְיָא: אֵיזוֹ הִיא נְקִימָה וְאֵיזוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה? נְקִימָה — אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי מַגָּלְךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: לָאו. לְמָחָר אָמַר לוֹ הוּא: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי קַרְדּוּמְּךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי מַשְׁאִילְךָ, כְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁלֹּא הִשְׁאַלְתַּנִי — זוֹ הִיא נְקִימָה.

Yoma 23a:1

who does not avenge himself and bear a grudge like a snake when insulted is not considered a Torah scholar at all, as it is important to uphold the honor of Torah and its students by reacting harshly to insults. The Gemara asks: But isn’t it written explicitly in the Torah: “You shall not take vengeance nor bear any grudge against the children of your people” (Leviticus 19:18)? The Gemara responds: That prohibition is written with regard to monetary matters and not personal insults, as it was taught in a baraita: What is revenge and what is bearing a grudge? Revenge is illustrated by the following example: One said to his fellow: Lend me your sickle, and he said: No. The next day he, the one who had refused to lend the sickle, said to the other person: Lend me your ax. If he said to him: I will not lend to you, just as you did not lend to me, that is revenge.

יומא כ״ג א:ב׳

וְאֵיזוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה? אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי קַרְדּוּמְּךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: לֹא. לְמָחָר אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי חֲלוּקְךָ! אָמַר לוֹ: הֵילָךְ, אֵינִי כְּמוֹתְךָ שֶׁלֹּא הִשְׁאַלְתַּנִי. זוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה.

Yoma 23a:2

And what is bearing a grudge? If one said to his fellow: Lend me your ax, and he said: No, and the next day he, the one who had refused to lend the ax, said to the other man: Lend me your robe; if the first one said to him: Here it is, as I am not like you, who would not lend to me, that is bearing a grudge. Although he does not respond to his friend’s inconsiderate behavior in kind, he still makes it known to his friend that he resents his inconsiderate behavior. This baraita shows that the prohibition relates only to monetary matters, such as borrowing and lending.

יומא כ״ג א:ג׳

וְצַעֲרָא דְגוּפָא לָא? וְהָא תַּנְיָא: הַנֶּעֱלָבִין וְאֵינָן עוֹלְבִין, שׁוֹמְעִין חֶרְפָּתָן וְאֵינָן מְשִׁיבִין, עוֹשִׂין מֵאַהֲבָה וּשְׂמֵחִין בְּיִסּוּרִין, עֲלֵיהֶן הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״וְאוֹהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבוּרָתוֹ״!

Yoma 23a:3

The Gemara asks: But does the prohibition against vengeance really not relate also to matters of personal anguish suffered by someone? Wasn’t it taught in a baraita: Those who are insulted but do not insult others, who hear themselves being shamed but do not respond, who act out of love for God, and who remain happy in their suffering, about them the verse states: “They that love Him be as the sun when it goes forth in its might” (Judges 5:31). This baraita shows that one should forgive personal insults as well as wrongs in monetary matters.

יומא כ״ג א:ד׳

לְעוֹלָם דְּנָקֵיט לֵיהּ בְּלִיבֵּיהּ. וְהָאָמַר רָבָא: כׇּל הַמַּעֲבִיר עַל מִדּוֹתָיו — מַעֲבִירִין לוֹ עַל כׇּל פְּשָׁעָיו! דִּמְפַיְּיסוּ לֵיהּ וּמִפַּיַּיס.

Yoma 23a:4

The Gemara responds that the prohibition against taking vengeance and bearing a grudge indeed applies to cases of personal anguish; however, actually, the scholar may keep resentment in his heart, though he should not act on it or remind the other person of his insulting behavior. The Gemara asks: But didn’t Rava say: With regard to whoever forgoes his reckonings with others for injustices done to him, the heavenly court in turn forgoes punishment for all his sins? The Gemara answers: Indeed, even a scholar who is insulted must forgive insults, but that is only in cases where his antagonist has sought to appease him, in which case he should allow himself to be appeased toward him. However, if no apology has been offered, the scholar should not forgive him, in order to uphold the honor of the Torah.

רמב"ם משנה אבות א׳:ו׳:א׳

עשה לך רב. ר"ל אפי' לא יהיה ראוי להיות לך לרב אבל שים אותו לך לרב עד שתדמה בו שהוא מלמד ויעלה בידך בעבור זה למוד החכמה כי אין למוד האדם מעצמו כלמודו מזולתו שהלמוד מעצמו טוב הוא אבל למודו מזולתו יתקיים בידו יותר והוא יותר מבואר אפי' היה כמוהו בחכמה או למטה הימנו וכן בארו בפירוש זאת המצוה.

ואמר וקנה לך חבר זכר אותו בלשון קנייה ולא אמר עשה לך חבר או התחבר לאחרים הכונה בזה שצריך לאדם שיקנה אוהב לעצמו שיתקנו בו מעשיו וכל עניניו כמו שאמרו או חברותא או מיתותא

ואם לא ימצאהו צריך להשתדל בו בכל לבו ואפילו אם יצטרך שימשכנו לאהבתו עד שישוב אוהב ולא יסור מהמשך תמיד אחר רצונו עד שתתחזק אהבתו כמו שיאמרו בעלי המוסר כשתאהב לא תאהב על מדותיך ואמנם תאהב על מדת אהוביך

וכשיכוין כל אחד משני האהובים אל זאת הצואה יהיה כונת כל אחד משניהם להפיק רצון חבירו ויהיה כונת שניהם יחד דבר אחד בלא ספק. ומה טוב מאמר אריסטוטלוס האהוב אחד הוא

והאוהבים ג' מינים אוהב תועלת אוהב מנוחה ואוהב מעלה

אמנם אוהב תועלת כאהבת שני השותפים ואהבת המלך ומחנהו ואמנם אוהב מנוחה הוא ב' מינים אוהב הנאה ואוהב בטחון

אמנם אוהב הנאה כאהבת הזכרים לנקבות וכיוצא בהם. ואמנם אוהב בטחון הוא שיהיה לאדם אוהב תבטח נפשו בו לא ישמר ממנו לא במעשה ולא בדבור ויודיעהו כל עניניו הטוב מהם והמגונה מבלתי שירא ממנו שישיגהו בכל זה חסרון לא אצלו ולא זולתו כי כשיגיע לאדם בטחון באיש זה השעור ימצא מנוחה גדולה בדבריו ובאהבתו הרבה.

ואוהב מעלה הוא שיהיה תאות שניהם וכונתם לדבר אחד והוא הטוב וירצה כל אחד להעזר בחבירו בהגיע הטוב ההוא לשניהם יחד וזה האוהב אשר צוה לקנותו והוא כאהבת הרב לתלמיד והתלמיד לרב:

Rambam on Pirkei Avot 1:6:1

"Make for yourself a mentor": He means to say even if he is not fit to be your mentor; still place him upon you as a mentor, so that you can give and take (discuss and argue) with him, and as a result of this the study of wisdom will come to your hand. As the study of a person on their own is good, but to study from someone else will be even better and it will be more clear - and even if the person is at the same level of wisdom or even less knowledgable. And so did they elucidate the explanation of this commandment.

And he said, "acquire for yourself a friend". He said it with an expression of acquisition and he did not say, "Make for yourself a friend," or "Befriend others." The intention of this is that a person must acquire a friend for herself, so that all of her deeds and actions will be refined through this friend, as they said (Taanit 23a), "Either a friend or death."

And if she does not find this friend, she must make efforts for it with all her heart, and even if she must lead another to this friendship, until the person becomes a real friend. And [then] she must never let off from following [her friend's] will, until his friendship is firmed up. [It is] as the masters of ethics say, "When you love, do not love according to your traits; but rather love according to the trait of your friend."

And when each of the friends has the intention to fulfill the will of the other, the intention of both of them will be one without a doubt. And how good is the statement of Aristotle, "The friend is one."

And there are three types of friends: a friend for benefit, a friend for enjoyment and a friend for virtue.

Indeed, a friend for benefit is like the friendship of two [business] partners and the friendship of a king and his retinue; whereas the friendship for enjoyment is of two types - the friend for pleasure and the friend for confidence.

Indeed, the friend for pleasure is like the friendship of intimate partners and similar to it; whereas the friend for confidence is when a person has a friend to whom he can confide his soul. He will not keep [anything] from him - not in action and not in speech. And he will make him know all of his affairs - the good ones and the disgraceful - without fearing from him that any loss will come to him with all of this, not from him and not from another. As when a person has such a level of confidence in another, he finds great enjoyment in his words and in his great friendship.

And a friend for virtue is when the desire of both of them and their intention is for one thing, and that is the good. And each one wants to be helped by the other in reaching this good for both of them together. And this is the friend which he commanded to acquire; and it is like the love of the teacher for the student and of the student for the teacher.

משנה אבות א׳:ו׳

יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:

Pirkei Avot 1:6

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for yourself a teacher, and acquire for yourself a companion and judge all people with the scale weighted in their favor.