בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה' אֱלהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעולָם אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְותָיו וְצִוָּנוּ לַעֲסוק בְּדִבְרֵי תורָה:
Blessing for Torah Study
Barukh Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh Ha'Olam Asher Kideshanu Bemitzvotav Vetzivanu La'asok Bedivrei Torah
Blessed are you Adonai, our God, Sovereign of Eternity, who has made us uniquely sacred through Your mitzvot (sacred callings) and called upon us to immerse ourselves in the words of Torah.
Summary from ReformJudaism.org
- Abraham purchases the cave of Machpelah in order to bury his wife Sarah. (23:1-20)
- Abraham sends his servant to find a bride for Isaac. (24:1-9)
- Rebekah shows her kindness by offering to draw water for the servant's camels at the well. (24:15-20)
- The servant meets Rebekah's family and then takes Rebekah to Isaac, who marries her. (24:23-67)
- Abraham takes another wife, named Keturah. At the age of one hundred and seventy-five years, Abraham dies, and Isaac and Ishmael bury him in the cave of Machpelah. (25:1-11)
Our first Matriarch and Patriarch die in this week's Parasha. Today we will be looking at how death and mourning is tackled (or not) in this portion so we can better understand our needs and practices when it comes to grief and mourning.
We Begin with Kushiyot/Challenges/Difficulties in the Text:
- Grammatical inconsistencies (Words repeated, something left out, sentences that seem to not make sense)
- Theological inconsistencies (The Torah tells us something that is morally problematic or a character does something that isn't right)
- Ambiguities (Torah says something that can be interpreted in more than one way)
- Metaphor (The Torah uses a word or a phrase that isn't meant literally, but is figurative)
- Contradictions (The Torah says one thing here, another thing there)
- Superfluous language (The Torah includes information that doesn't seem important)
- Narrative Inconsistencies (The sequence of events is unclear or out of order)
As we read the following texts, ask yourself , what Questions/Kushiyot arise for you?
Open up Commentaries:
1. Genesis 23:1-20
2. Genesis 24: 62-67
3. Genesis 25: 7-11
1. Genesis 23:1-20
2. Genesis 24: 62-67
3. Genesis 25: 7-11
Sarah Dies, and Abraham....
לספוד לשרה ולבכתה. וְנִסְמְכָה מִיתַת שָׂרָה לַעֲקֵדַת יִצְחָק לְפִי שֶׁעַל יְדֵי בְּשׂוֹרַת הָעֲקֵדָה, שֶׁנִּזְדַּמֵּן בְּנָהּ לִשְׁחִיטָה וְכִמְעַט שֶׁלֹּא נִשְׁחַט, פָּרְחָה נִשְׁמָתָהּ מִמֶּנָּה וּמֵתָה:
לספוד לשרה ולבכותה TO BEWAIL SARAH AND TO WEEP FOR HER — The narrative of the death of Sarah follows immediately on that of the Binding of Isaac, because through the announcement of the Binding — that her son had been made ready for sacrifice and had almost been sacrificed — she received a great shock (literally, her soul flew from her) and she died (Pirkei DeRabbi Eliezer 32).
לספוד לשרה. בשביל שרה ולכבודה. כאמרם ז"ל (סנהדרין פ' כ"ג) הספידא יקרא דשכבי:
To eulogize Sarah. Literally, “to eulogize for Sarah” — a eulogy is for the honor of the deceased.
ותמת שרה אין דרכו של מקרא לכתוב מיתת אשה אעפ״י שהיא צדקת, אם לא על ידי מעשה כגון שרה, רחל, דבורה, מרים, שרה, בשביל שהוציא אברהם דמים יקרים לקברה ולא הרהר וזהו אחד מהעשרה נסיונות. רחל, להודיע שנקברה חוץ למערה. דבורה, להודיע למה נקרא שם אותו מקום אלון בכות. מרים, על שם הבאר שפסק כשמתה.
ותמת שרה, “Sarah died;” it is most unusual for the Torah to report the fact that a woman died. (Miriam, Moses’ sister’s death are exceptions, Numbers 20,1 as are Rachel’s premature death in Genesis 35,18, and Deborah, Rivkah’s nursemaid in Genesis 35,8.) When such a death is reported it is not only a compliment to the virtuous lives these women had lived, but is always associated with a remarkable event. Sarah’s death is associated with the enormous amount of money paid by her husband for acquiring the land for burying her. Rachel’s premature death is reported so that we should know where she has been buried. Deborah’s death is reported so that we should know why the place where this occurred became known subsequently as אלון בכות, “oak of mourning.” [Also in order to draw our attention to the fact that her mistress, Rivkah’s death has not been reported. Ed.] Miriam’s death was the reason that the well that had accompanied the Israelites throughout their long march in the desert ceased flowing.
לספד לשרה ולבכתה. הבכי רגיל לבוא קודם ההספד והיה ראוי לומר לבכותה ולספוד, אמנם לפי שהבכי יורה על הצער בבחינת אפיסת המת, וההספד הוא ספור שבחו להרגיש הנשארים מה שאבדו, ובצדיקים אין ראוי לבכותם מצד אפיסתם כי גדולים במיתתם יותר מבחייהם, לכן הקדים ההספד לבכי, להורות כי אין הבכי עליה רק מצד הנשארים וכענין ההספד, וזה ג"כ טעם כ' זעירא במלת ולבכתה (ר"ש יפה):
To eulogize … and to weep. In general one weeps over the termination of the life of the deceased before eulogizing the loss to the living. For the righteous, however, death is not a tragedy because they are then able to attain greater heights. Thus it is only the loss to the living that is a cause for weeping.
לספוד לשרה ולבכותה. פירוש לשרה שמתה מן העולם ולבכותה לצד מה שנחסר בהעדרה. או יאמר בהפך לשרה לצדקותה ומה שנחסר בהעדרה, ולבכותה לצד מה שנוגע לה שטעמה כוס המות ויערב שמשה:
לספוד לשרה ולבכותה, to mourn Sarah and to weep for her. To mourn her departure from the world, and to weep for her on account of the personal loss he had sustained. One can also understand it in the reverse sense, i.e. he mourned the absence of her righteous presence, and he wept because she had tasted death and her sun had set (her benign influence on the people surrounding her).
(ב) וַתָּ֣מׇת שָׂרָ֗ה בְּקִרְיַ֥ת אַרְבַּ֛ע הִ֥וא חֶבְר֖וֹן בְּאֶ֣רֶץ כְּנָ֑עַן וַיָּבֹא֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם לִסְפֹּ֥ד לְשָׂרָ֖ה וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ׃
(2) Sarah died in Kiriath-arba—now Hebron—in the land of Canaan; and Abraham proceeded to mourn for Sarah and to bewail her.
compare to your TaNCH... what do you notice?
מעל פני מתו וידבר אל בני חת. שלא חל עליו אבלות עדיין והיה יכול לצאת ולדבר אל בני חת:
מעל פני מתו, וידבר אל בני חת. As long as he had not buried Sarah he was not yet a mourner in the technical meaning of the word. He was therefore able to leave his house and assemble the people of the town.
Sarah Dies, and Isaac....
לשוח. לְשׁוֹן תְּפִלָּה (בראשית רבה), כְּמוֹ יִשְׁפֹּךְ שִׂיחוֹ (תהילים ק"ב):
לשוח TO MEDITATE — this means “to pray” (Genesis Rabbah 60:14), as we find (Psalms 102:1) “[A prayer of the afflicted …] when he poureth forth his plaint.
לשוח. ללכת בין השיחים:
AND ISAAC WENT OUT TO MEDITATE. The word la-su’ach (to meditate) means to walk among the trees.
ויצא יצחק לשוח. נטה מן הדרך על דעת לשפוך שיחו לפני ה' בשדה שלא יפסיקוהו עוברי דרכים אף על פי שכבר התפלל בבאר לחי ראי וקודם שהתפלל נענה על דרך מן היום אשר נתת את לבך להתענות נשמעו דבריך:
ויצא יצחק לשוח, he had detoured from his regular path to the field in order to pour out his heart to G’d in prayer. He did not want to be interrupted in his devotion by passing travelers whom he would have to greet. This was in spite of the fact that he had already prayed in Beer lachay Ro-i. His prayer had been answered already, in accordance with Daniel 10,12 מן היום אשר נתת את לבך להבין ולהענות...נשמעו דבריך, “for from the first day you set your mind to get understanding, practicing abstinence before your G’d, your prayer was heard and I have come because of your prayer.”
האהלה שרה אמו. וַיְבִיאֶהָ הָאֹהֱלָה וְנַעֲשֵׂית דֻּגְמַת שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ, כְּלוֹמַר וַהֲרֵי הִיא שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ, שֶׁכָּל זְמַן שֶׁשָּׂרָה קַיֶּמֶת הָיָה נֵר דָּלוּק מֵעֶרֶב שַׁבָּת לְעֶרֶב שַׁבָּת וּבְרָכָה מְצוּיָה בָּעִסָּה וְעָנָן קָשׁוּר עַל הָאֹהֶל, וּמִשֶּׁמֵּתָה פָּסְקוּ, וּכְשֶׁבָּאת רִבְקָה חָזְרוּ (בראשית רבה):
האהלה שרה אמו INTO HIS MOTHER SARAH’S TENT — He brought her into the tent and she became exactly like his mother Sarah — that is to say, the words signify as much as, [And he brought her into the tent] and, behold, she was Sarah, his mother). For whilst Sarah was living, a light had been burning in the tent from one Sabbath eve to the next, there was always a blessing in the dough (a miraculous increase) and a cloud was always hanging over the tent (as a divine protection), but since her death all these had stopped. However, when Rebecca came, they reappeared” (Genesis Rabbah 60:16).
אחרי אמו. דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ כָּל זְמַן שֶׁאִמּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם קַיֶּמֶת, כָּרוּךְ הוּא אֶצְלָהּ; וּמִשֶּׁמֵּתָה, הוּא מִתְנַחֵם בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ:
אחרי אמו [AND ISAAC WAS COMFORTED] AFTER HIS MOTHER’S DEATH — It is natural that whilst a man’s mother is living he is wrapped up in her, but when she dies he finds comfort in his wife (Pirkei DeRabbi Eliezer 32).
ויביאה יצחק האהלה שרה אמו חסר הנסמך וכמוהו רבים וטעם הכתוב כי יספר בכבוד שנהג יצחק באמו כי מעת שמתה שרה לא נטו אהלה כי אמרו לא תבא אשה אחרת אל אהל הגבירה הנכבדת וכאשר ראה רבקה הביאה אל האהל ההוא לכבודה ושם לקחה וזה טעם ויאהבה וינחם ירמוז שהיה מצטער מאד על אמו ורחק ממנו מנחם עד שנחם באשתו באהבתו אותה כי מה טעם שיזכיר הכתוב אהבת האיש באשתו ואונקלוס (תרגום אונקלוס על בראשית כ״ד:ס״ז) פירש ויביאה יצחק האהלה והנה היא שרה אמו ולכן הזכיר האהבה כי מפני צדקתה וכשרון מעשיה אהבה ונחם בה וכך הזכירו בבראשית רבה (בראשית רבה ס׳:ט״ז) עד שלא מתה שרה היתה ברכה מצויה בעיסה:
AND ISAAC BROUGHT HER INTO HIS MOTHER SARAH’s TENT. The construct is missing here [for the noun ohel (tent) appears with the definite article, and in this form it cannot be used in construct with “his mother Sarah.” The verse then should be understood as if it were written, “and Isaac brought her into the tent which was the tent of his mother Sarah.”] There are many cases like this.
The purport of the verse is to tell of the honor that Isaac bestowed upon his mother for from the time that Sarah died they did not take down her tent because they said, “Let not another woman come into the tent of the honorable mistress.” But when he saw Rebekah he brought her into that tent in her honor and there he took her as his wife. This is the meaning of the words, and he loved her, and he was comforted, indicating that he was deeply grieved for his mother, finding no comforter until he was comforted by his wife through his love for her. Otherwise, what reason is there for Scripture to mention a man’s love for his wife?
But Onkelos explained: And Isaac brought her into the tent and, behold, she was like Sarah his mother. It is for this reason that Scripture mentions the love he had for her because it was on account of her righteousness and the aptness of her deeds that he loved her and was comforted by her. And so the Rabbis mentioned in Bereshith Rabbah, “Before Sarah died there was a blessing of miraculous increase in the dough. [After her death it stopped, and when Rebekah came the blessing reappeared.”]
The purport of the verse is to tell of the honor that Isaac bestowed upon his mother for from the time that Sarah died they did not take down her tent because they said, “Let not another woman come into the tent of the honorable mistress.” But when he saw Rebekah he brought her into that tent in her honor and there he took her as his wife. This is the meaning of the words, and he loved her, and he was comforted, indicating that he was deeply grieved for his mother, finding no comforter until he was comforted by his wife through his love for her. Otherwise, what reason is there for Scripture to mention a man’s love for his wife?
But Onkelos explained: And Isaac brought her into the tent and, behold, she was like Sarah his mother. It is for this reason that Scripture mentions the love he had for her because it was on account of her righteousness and the aptness of her deeds that he loved her and was comforted by her. And so the Rabbis mentioned in Bereshith Rabbah, “Before Sarah died there was a blessing of miraculous increase in the dough. [After her death it stopped, and when Rebekah came the blessing reappeared.”]
וינחם יצחק אחרי אמו. כי עד הנה לא קבל עליה תנחומין לחשיבותה:
וינחם יצחק אחרי אמו, until this time he had refused to accept consolation for the death of his mother, seeing that she had been such an outstanding person.
וינחם יצחק אחרי אמו אחרי שהיתה דומה לאמו במעשיה.
וינחם יצחק אחרי אמו, Now Yitzchok became comforted, (came to terms with) the death of his mother when he saw that his wife possessed the virtues his mother had been famous for.
Abraham dies, and Isaac and Ishmael....
יצחק וישמעאל. מִכָּאן שֶׁעָשָׂה יִשְׁמָעֵאל תְּשׁוּבָה וְהוֹלִיךְ אֶת יִצְחָק לְפָנָיו, וְהִיא שֵׂיבָה טוֹבָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בְּאַבְרָהָם (בראשית רבה):
יצחק וישמעאל ISAAC AND ISHMAEL — From this we gather that Ishmael repented of his evil ways (cf.Bava Batra 16b) and yielded the precedence to Isaac. This is what is meant by the “good old age” mentioned in connection with Abraham (Genesis Rabbah 38:12).
ויקברו אותו יצחק וישמעאל בניו לשון (בראשית רבה ס״ב:ב׳) כאן בן האמה חולק כבוד לבן הגבירה:
AND HIS SONS ISAAC AND ISHMAEL BURIED HIM. In the language of Bereshith Rabbah, “Here the son of the handmaid bestowed respect upon the son of the mistress” [since he yielded precedence to Isaac].
At the end of the parashah, we learn that Isaac and Ishmael buried their father Abraham together. Though the Torah describes these brothers’ unity in concise and matter-of-fact language, they and their extended family must have worked hard to achieve reconciliation...
According to Monica McGoldrick, a Family Systems Theory therapist and educator, “death and other major loss pose the most painful adaptational challenge for it [i.e. the family]—as a system—and for each surviving member. Its impact reverberates through all the relationships in a family.” When a change takes place in a family through an addition (marriage, birth, adoption) or subtraction (divorce, death), it opens up the possibility for both positive and negative change. McGoldrick writes, “loss can strengthen survivors, bring them closer together, inspire their creativity, and bring out their strengths.” Conversely, “It can also leave behind a destructive legacy of dysfunctional coping patterns.” Reading for multiple members of the extended family provides us insight into how together they experienced their grief...
The Midrash takes notes of a curiosity in the text: when Isaac and Ishmael bury Abraham (and when Jacob and Esau reconcile), the younger brother is mentioned first. The Midrash interprets this to mean that Ishmael engaged in a process of teshuvah, repentance. (Gen. Rabbah 30:4, 38:12, BT Bava Batra 16b) One may read the word teshuvah as “repentance” or simply as “return.” Ishmael returned—to his estranged brother. For reasons we do not know, he gestured for his brother to lead the way. (Naomi Kalish)
According to Monica McGoldrick, a Family Systems Theory therapist and educator, “death and other major loss pose the most painful adaptational challenge for it [i.e. the family]—as a system—and for each surviving member. Its impact reverberates through all the relationships in a family.” When a change takes place in a family through an addition (marriage, birth, adoption) or subtraction (divorce, death), it opens up the possibility for both positive and negative change. McGoldrick writes, “loss can strengthen survivors, bring them closer together, inspire their creativity, and bring out their strengths.” Conversely, “It can also leave behind a destructive legacy of dysfunctional coping patterns.” Reading for multiple members of the extended family provides us insight into how together they experienced their grief...
The Midrash takes notes of a curiosity in the text: when Isaac and Ishmael bury Abraham (and when Jacob and Esau reconcile), the younger brother is mentioned first. The Midrash interprets this to mean that Ishmael engaged in a process of teshuvah, repentance. (Gen. Rabbah 30:4, 38:12, BT Bava Batra 16b) One may read the word teshuvah as “repentance” or simply as “return.” Ishmael returned—to his estranged brother. For reasons we do not know, he gestured for his brother to lead the way. (Naomi Kalish)
When a loved one dies, we....
Five Stages of Mourning
There are five stages of mourning in Judaism.
There are five stages of mourning in Judaism.
- Between death and burial. Aninut
- First three days following burial: visitors are sometimes discouraged to visit during this time since the loss is still too fresh.
- Shiva (שבעה, literally "seven"): the seven-day mourning period following burial, which includes the first three days.
- Shloshim (שלושים, literally "thirty"): the 30 days following burial, which includes shiva. The mourner slowly emerges back into society.
- Twelve-month period, which includes shloshim, in which life becomes more routine.
Shiva Restrictions and Prohibitions
During the period of shiva, there are a number of traditional restrictions and prohibitions.
Shloshim - the restrictions that continue - no haircuts, shaving, nail cutting, wearing of new clothes, and attending parties.-
During the period of shiva, there are a number of traditional restrictions and prohibitions.
- Leaving the house of mourning is limited.
- Mirrors are covered. There are various reasons, one being that a mourner should not enhance his appearance during this time.
- The mourner sits on a low stool.
- Leather shoes are prohibited (in ancient times, leather shoes were a symbol of wealth and comfort).
- Greetings are prohibited from both the mourner and those coming to extend their condolences. The exception is the Sabbath (Shabbat).
- Bathing is prohibited. Dirt may be removed locally with soap and water.
- Haircuts are prohibited.
- Shaving is prohibited for men.
- Cutting nails is prohibited.
- Washing clothes is prohibited with the exception of clothes to be worn on the Sabbath.
- Wearing new clothes is prohibited. (After the shiva period until the end of the 12th month, if it necessary to buy new clothes, the mourner should have someone wear it for him first so that it is not considered to be “new” anymore.)
- Marital relations are forbidden.
- Studying Torah is prohibited since it is a source of great delight.
- Conducting business is prohibited. There are some exceptions (e.g., severe loss).
- Attending parties are prohibited.
Shloshim - the restrictions that continue - no haircuts, shaving, nail cutting, wearing of new clothes, and attending parties.-
When our friend/community members experience loss, we...
אבל אסור לאכול משלו בסעודה ראשונה
(1) A mourner is forbidden to eat of his own at the first meal [after burial]
Food should be provided for the mourner, especially for the first meal after burial. However, if it is possible, food should be provided throughout the entire week of mourning. While it is technically permissible to have food sent to the mourner’s home, when we deliver food to mourners in person, we offer the comfort of our presence in addition to physical nourishment. If we are unable to deliver a meal in person or are unable to focus on the needs of the mourner, we may fulfill the technical obligation to bring food via delivery. Sometimes this is appropriate or even necessary.
מִצְוָה גְדוֹלָה לְנַחֵם אֲבֵלִים...כְּשֶׁרוֹאִים הַמְנַחֲמִים שֶׁהָאָבֵל פּוֹטֵר אוֹתָם, אֵינָן רַשָׁאִים לֵישֵׁב אֶצְלוֹ.
It is a great mitzvah to console mourners...If the comforters perceive that the mourner wishes them to leave, they are not allowed to remain there.
It is a great mitzvah to console mourners. How we console them might depend on our relationship with the mourner. One powerful way to provide comfort is through a personal visit. However, as the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch text states, we must be sensitive to the needs of the mourner when visiting. We need to be aware of our own state of mind so that our visit isn’t about our needs. If we aren’t able to visit, either because it is physically impossible or because we realize we are not in an emotionally appropriate place to do so, sending a card or food lets mourners know we are thinking of them.
(יח) רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן אֶלְעָזָר אוֹמֵר, אַל תְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרְךָ בִשְׁעַת כַּעֲסוֹ, וְאַל תְּנַחֲמֶנּוּ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁמֵּתוֹ מֻטָּל לְפָנָיו...
(18) Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar said: Do not try to appease your friend during his hour of anger; Nor comfort him at the hour while his dead still lies before him...
Deborah Lipstadt, “The Lord Was His,” in Jewish Reflections on Death, edited by Jack Riemer, pg. 51
The Mishna notes that, immediately after death and prior to interment, it is impossible to console a mourner. The rabbis may have realized, as many psychologists maintain today, that it is important – if not vital – for the mourner’s future mental health, that at this initial period, grief be worked through and anguish expressed.
Letting the Mourner Take the Lead
Because each person mourns in their own unique way and mourns differently at various times in the process, we should let the mourner decide what to talk about and even whether or not they want to talk.
אין המנחמים רשאים לפתוח עד שיפתח האבל תחלה...
(1) The comforters are not permitted to open [conversation] until the mourner opens first...
Jack Riemer, quoted in the chapter “Don’t Take My Grief Away” in A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, by Dr. Ron Wolfson, pg. 202
If the mourner wants to talk, you listen. If the mourner wants to listen, you talk. I remember when Wolfe Kelman, zikhrono livrakhah, lost his sister, Dr. (Abraham Joshua) Heschel, zikhrono livrakhah, said, “We have to go.” We went to the airport, we flew to Boston, got into a cab, and went to the house. Heschel walked in, he hugged them, he sat silently, for an hour. He didn’t mumble a single cliché, “How old was she?” What difference does it make? “Time will heal.” Time won’t heal. “I know how you feel.” You don’t know how I feel. None of the clichés. He just sat there in silence for an hour. And then he got up, hugged them, and we left. I learned that you don’t have to be glib. You just have to care.
Rabbi Harold Schulweis, quoted in A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, by Ron Wolfson, pg. 182
Having a minyan in the house is like bringing the synagogue into the home. It is opening oneself up to the healing powers of the community…