Shame, Guilt, Anger and Rebuke in 21st Century Medicine
(יז) לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃
(17) Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart; thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbour, and not bear sin because of him.
(ח) אַל־תּ֣וֹכַח לֵ֭ץ פֶּן־יִשְׂנָאֶ֑ךָּ הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ׃
(8) Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee; reprove a wise man, and he will love thee.

תניא א"ר טרפון (תמיהני) אני אם יש בדור הזה שמקבל תוכחה אם אמר לו טול קיסם מבין שיניך אמר לו טול קורה מבין עיניך אמר רבי אלעזר בן עזריה תמיהני אם יש בדור הזה שיודע להוכיח

Rabbi Tarfon taught, "I wonder if anyone in this generation knows how to receive rebuke. If someone said to him, 'remove the toothpick from between your teeth,' he would say, 'remove the beam from between your eyes.' Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah said, "I wonder if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke."

Were you ever taught how to rebuke? If not, how do you know what to do? How well are you doing at the task? Are you "bearing sin?" "Hating your brother in your heart?"

Have you seen the verse from Proverbs come to life in your practice?

(א) מצות תוכחה לישראל שאינו נוהג כשורה - להוכיח אחד מישראל שאינו מתנהג כשורה, בין בדברים שבין אדם לחברו או בין אדם למקום, שנאמר (ויקרא יט יז) הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא. ואמרו בספרא (קדושים ד ח) מנין אם הוכחתו ארבעה וחמשה פעמים ולא חזר, שאתה חיב לחזר ולהוכיח? תלמוד לומר הוכח תוכיח. ועוד אמרו זכרונם לברכה בגמרא (ב''מ לא א) הוכח תוכיח אפילו מאה פעמים. ואמרו שם בספרא יכול מוכיחו ופניו משתנות? תלמוד לומר ולא תשא עליו חטא. וזה מלמד שבתחלת התוכחה שראוי לאדם, להוכיח בסתר ובלשון רכה ודברי נחת, כדי שלא יתביש, ואין ספק שאם לא חזר בו בכך, שמכלימין החוטא ברבים ומפרסמין חטאו ומחרפין אותו עד שיחזר למוטב.

The mitzvah of tochecha (rebuke) of an Israelite that is not behaving properly - to rebuke one from Israel that is not behaving properly, either concerning things between man and man or between man and God, as it is written, "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and do not bear sin because of him." And it says in Sifre (Kedoshim 4:8) From where do we learn that if you rebuked him four and five times and he did not repent, you must go back and rebuke (again)? For this reason it says hochach tochiach, "You shall surely rebuke." And also chaza"l (chakhameinu zikhronam livrakha, "our sages of blessed memory") said in the Gemara (Bava Metzia 31a) "You shall surely rebuke" even 100 times. And Sifrei also said, could it be that you rebuke him and his face changes (becomes pale or humiliated)? For this reason it says, "Do not bear sin because of him." This teaches that in the beginning of the rebuke that is proper for a person, to rebuke him in private and with a soft tongue and words of calm, in order that he will not be shamed, and no doubt if he does not repent after this, we castigate the sinner in public and publicize his sin and excoriate him until he returns to the good. (Translation mine)

Guilt, not Shame: A better way?

The most primitive experiences of shame are "connected with sight and being seen," but it has been interestingly suggested that "guilt is rooted in hearing, the sound in oneself of the voice of judgement; it is the moral sentiment of the word."

...

Judaism, with its belief in an invisible God who created the world with words, is an attempt to base the moral life on something other than public opinion, appearance, honor, and shame. As God tells Samuel, "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (I Sam. 16:7). Hence the ethic of the divine word; hence the key term in Judaism, Shema: "hear" or "listen." Hence the importance of the inner voice, of conscience, of guilt rather than shame; of repentance, not rejection; of forgiveness rather than appeasement; of the integrity of the individual regardless of his or her deeds.

- Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, "The Return of Public Shaming." Morality. Basic Books: New York, 2020. pp 211-12.

Think of parallels in clinical practice for eliciting the kind of non-shameful guilt, the "inner voice of conscience" and the "integrity of the individual regardless of ... deeds" and discuss their effectiveness.

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: לְעוֹלָם יְהֵא אָדָם רַךְ כְּקָנֶה וְאַל יְהֵא קָשֶׁה כְּאֶרֶז. מַעֲשֶׂה שֶׁבָּא רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן מִמִּגְדַּל גְּדוֹר מִבֵּית רַבּוֹ, וְהָיָה רָכוּב עַל חֲמוֹר וּמְטַיֵּיל עַל שְׂפַת נָהָר, וְשָׂמֵחַ שִׂמְחָה גְּדוֹלָה. וְהָיְתָה דַּעְתּוֹ גַּסָּה עָלָיו מִפְּנֵי שֶׁלָּמַד תּוֹרָה הַרְבֵּה.
The Sages further taught in praise of the reed: A person should always be soft like a reed, and he should not be stiff like a cedar. An incident occurred in which Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, came from Migdal Gedor, from his rabbi’s house, and he was riding on a donkey and strolling on the bank of the river. And he was very happy, and his head was swollen with pride because he had studied much Torah.
נִזְדַּמֵּן לוֹ אָדָם אֶחָד שֶׁהָיָה מְכוֹעָר בְּיוֹתֵר. אָמַר לוֹ: שָׁלוֹם עָלֶיךָ רַבִּי! וְלֹא הֶחְזִיר לוֹ. אָמַר לוֹ: רֵיקָה, כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר אוֹתוֹ הָאִישׁ! שֶׁמָּא כׇּל בְּנֵי עִירֶךָ מְכוֹעָרִין כְּמוֹתְךָ? אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי יוֹדֵעַ, אֶלָּא לֵךְ וֶאֱמוֹר לָאוּמָּן שֶׁעֲשָׂאַנִי: ״כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר כְּלִי זֶה שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ״. כֵּיוָן שֶׁיָּדַע בְּעַצְמוֹ שֶׁחָטָא, יָרַד מִן הַחֲמוֹר וְנִשְׁתַּטַּח לְפָנָיו, וְאָמַר לוֹ: נַעֲנֵיתִי לְךָ, מְחוֹל לִי! אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי מוֹחֵל לְךָ עַד שֶׁתֵּלֵךְ לָאוּמָּן שֶׁעֲשָׂאַנִי וֶאֱמוֹר לוֹ: כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר כְּלִי זֶה שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ.
He happened upon an exceedingly ugly person, who said to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, but Rabbi Elazar did not return his greeting. Instead, Rabbi Elazar said to him: Worthless [reika] person, how ugly is that man. Are all the people of your city as ugly as you? The man said to him: I do not know, but you should go and say to the Craftsman Who made me: How ugly is the vessel you made. When Rabbi Elazar realized that he had sinned and insulted this man merely on account of his appearance, he descended from his donkey and prostrated himself before him, and he said to the man: I have sinned against you; forgive me. The man said to him: I will not forgive you go until you go to the Craftsman Who made me and say: How ugly is the vessel you made.

אָמַר הֶעָשִׁיר לְאוֹתוֹ הֶעָנִי לֵית אַתְּ אָזֵיל לָעֵי וְנָגֵיס, חָמֵי שָׁקְיָין, חָמֵי כְּרָעִין, חָמֵי כָּרְסָוָן, חָמֵי קֻפְרָן, אָמַר לוֹ הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לֹא דַּיָּךְ שֶׁלֹּא נָתַתָּ לוֹ מִשֶּׁלָּךְ מְאוּמָה, אֶלָּא בַּמֶּה שֶׁנָּתַתִּי לוֹ אַתָּה מַכְנִיס לוֹ עַיִן רָעָה

If the wealthy man says to that poor man: ‘Do you not go and toil and eat? Look at your thighs, look at your legs, look at your belly, look that you are corpulent.’10The wealthy man accuses the poor man of collecting charity but not really needing it. The Holy One blessed be He says to him: ‘Is it not enough for you that you did not give him anything of yours, but regarding what I gave him, you are introducing an evil eye for him?’

Comment on the difference between the type of shame discussed in the prior sources and the shame discussed here:

1. What is the text teaching us about words that shame?

2. On what grounds is that shame being inflicted?

3. Where do we encounter this type of shame in practice?

(Credit: Shoshanna Barnett, who included these sources in her lesson entitled "Min HaMetzar: Fat Liberation in Torah and Community," March 16, 2024, Congregation Beth Shalom, Pittsburgh, PA)

גְּמָ׳ תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן לֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ בְּאוֹנָאַת דְּבָרִים הַכָּתוּב מְדַבֵּר אַתָּה אוֹמֵר בְּאוֹנָאַת דְּבָרִים אוֹ אֵינוֹ אֶלָּא בְּאוֹנָאַת מָמוֹן כְּשֶׁהוּא אוֹמֵר וְכִי תִמְכְּרוּ מִמְכָּר לַעֲמִיתֶךָ אוֹ קָנֹה מִיַּד עֲמִיתֶךָ הֲרֵי אוֹנָאַת מָמוֹן אָמוּר הָא מָה אֲנִי מְקַיֵּים לֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ בְּאוֹנָאַת דְּבָרִים
GEMARA: The Sages taught: It is written: “And you shall not mistreat [tonu] one man his colleague; and you shall fear your God, for I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 25:17). The tanna explains: The verse is speaking with regard to verbal mistreatment. The baraita proceeds: Do you say that it is speaking of verbal mistreatment [be’ona’at devarim], or perhaps it is speaking only with regard to monetary exploitation [be’ona’at mammon]? When it says in a previous verse: “And if you sell to your colleague an item that is sold, or acquire from your colleague’s hand, you shall not exploit [tonu] his brother” (Leviticus 25:14), monetary exploitation is explicitly stated. How then do I realize the meaning of the verse: “And you shall not mistreat one man his colleague”? It is with regard to verbal mistreatment.
אִם הָיוּ יִסּוּרִין בָּאִין עָלָיו אִם הָיוּ חֳלָאִים בָּאִין עָלָיו אוֹ שֶׁהָיָה מְקַבֵּר אֶת בָּנָיו אַל יֹאמַר לוֹ כְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁאָמְרוּ לוֹ חֲבֵירָיו לְאִיּוֹב הֲלֹא יִרְאָתְךָ כִּסְלָתֶךָ תִּקְוָתְךָ וְתֹם דְּרָכֶיךָ זְכׇר נָא מִי הוּא נָקִי אָבָד
If torments are afflicting a person, if illnesses are afflicting him, or if he is burying his children, one may not speak to him in the manner that the friends of Job spoke to him: “Is not your fear of God your confidence, and your hope the integrity of your ways? Remember, I beseech you, whoever perished, being innocent?” (Job 4:6–7). Certainly you sinned, as otherwise you would not have suffered misfortune.
אִם הָיוּ חַמָּרִים מְבַקְּשִׁין תְּבוּאָה מִמֶּנּוּ לֹא יֹאמַר לָהֶם לְכוּ אֵצֶל פְּלוֹנִי שֶׁהוּא מוֹכֵר תְּבוּאָה וְיוֹדֵעַ בּוֹ שֶׁלֹּא מָכַר מֵעוֹלָם רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר אַף לֹא יִתְלֶה עֵינָיו עַל הַמִּקָּח בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁאֵין לוֹ דָּמִים שֶׁהֲרֵי הַדָּבָר מָסוּר לַלֵּב וְכׇל דָּבָר הַמָּסוּר לַלֵּב נֶאֱמַר בּוֹ וְיִרְאַת מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ
Likewise, if donkey drivers are asking to purchase grain from someone, and he has none, he may not say to them: Go to so-and-so, as he sells grain, if he knows about him that he never sold grain at all. He thereby causes the donkey drivers and the would-be seller anguish. Rabbi Yehuda says: One may not even cast his eyes on the merchandise for sale, creating the impression that he is interested, at a time when he does not have money to purchase it. Verbal mistreatment is not typically obvious, and it is difficult to ascertain the intent of the offender, as the matter is given to the heart of each individual, as only he knows what his intention was when he spoke. And with regard to any matter given to the heart, it is stated: “And you shall fear your God” (Leviticus 25:17), as God is privy to the intent of the heart.
תָּנֵי תַּנָּא קַמֵּיהּ דְּרַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק כׇּל הַמַּלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵירוֹ בָּרַבִּים כְּאִילּוּ שׁוֹפֵךְ דָּמִים אֲמַר לֵיהּ שַׁפִּיר קָא אָמְרַתְּ דְּחָזֵינָא לֵיהּ דְּאָזֵיל סוּמָּקָא וְאָתֵי חִוּוֹרָא אֲמַר לֵיהּ אַבָּיֵי לְרַב דִּימִי בְּמַעְרְבָא בְּמַאי זְהִירִי אֲמַר לֵיהּ בְּאַחְווֹרֵי אַפֵּי דְּאָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִינָא הַכֹּל יוֹרְדִין לְגֵיהִנָּם חוּץ מִשְּׁלֹשָׁה

The Gemara relates that the tanna (one of the first generation of scholars whose opinions make up the Mishna, 1st-2nd century CE) who recited mishnayot and baraitot in the study hall taught a baraita before Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak: Anyone who humiliates another in public, it is as though he were spilling blood. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said to him: You have spoken well, as we see that after the humiliated person blushes, the red leaves his face and pallor comes in its place, which is tantamount to spilling his blood. Abaye said to Rav Dimi: In the West, i.e., Eretz Yisrael, with regard to what mitzva are they particularly vigilant? Rav Dimi said to him: They are vigilant in refraining from humiliating others, as Rabbi Ḥanina says: Everyone descends to Gehenna except for three.

תָּנֵי תַּנָּא קַמֵּיהּ דְּרַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק כׇּל הַמַּלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵירוֹ בָּרַבִּים כְּאִילּוּ שׁוֹפֵךְ דָּמִים אֲמַר לֵיהּ שַׁפִּיר קָא אָמְרַתְּ דְּחָזֵינָא לֵיהּ דְּאָזֵיל סוּמָּקָא וְאָתֵי חִוּוֹרָא אֲמַר לֵיהּ אַבָּיֵי לְרַב דִּימִי בְּמַעְרְבָא בְּמַאי זְהִירִי אֲמַר לֵיהּ בְּאַחְווֹרֵי אַפֵּי דְּאָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִינָא הַכֹּל יוֹרְדִין לְגֵיהִנָּם חוּץ מִשְּׁלֹשָׁה
The Gemara relates that the tanna who recited mishnayot and baraitot in the study hall taught a baraita before Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak: Anyone who humiliates another in public, it is as though he were spilling blood. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said to him: You have spoken well, as we see that after the humiliated person blushes, the red leaves his face and pallor comes in its place, which is tantamount to spilling his blood. Abaye said to Rav Dimi: In the West, i.e., Eretz Yisrael, with regard to what mitzva are they particularly vigilant? Rav Dimi said to him: They are vigilant in refraining from humiliating others, as Rabbi Ḥanina says: Everyone descends to Gehenna except for three.

What types of speech constitute verbal abuse, according to Bava Metzia? (to really ace Talmud study, identify which Rabbi holds which opinion as you share - knowing the "system" of each rabbi and getting to the heart of the way they think is a major goal of diving into these waters).

How do these link to clinical practice?

This section of Talmud is a source text for one of the texts we examined before - do you think that text (Sefer ha Chinuch) remains faithful to the intent of this one? What is the same or different?

(ד) הַדֶּרֶךְ הַיְשָׁרָה הִיא מִדָּה בֵּינוֹנִית שֶׁבְּכָל דֵּעָה וְדֵעָה מִכָּל הַדֵּעוֹת שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ לָאָדָם. וְהִיא הַדֵּעָה שֶׁהִיא רְחוֹקָה מִשְּׁתֵּי הַקְּצָווֹת רִחוּק שָׁוֶה וְאֵינָהּ קְרוֹבָה לֹא לָזוֹ וְלֹא לָזוֹ. לְפִיכָךְ צִוּוּ חֲכָמִים הָרִאשׁוֹנִים שֶׁיְּהֵא אָדָם שָׁם דֵּעוֹתָיו תָּמִיד וּמְשַׁעֵר אוֹתָם וּמְכַוִּן אוֹתָם בַּדֶּרֶךְ הָאֶמְצָעִית כְּדֵי שֶׁיְּהֵא שָׁלֵם בְּגוּפוֹ. כֵּיצַד. לֹא יְהֵא בַּעַל חֵמָה נוֹחַ לִכְעֹס וְלֹא כְּמֵת שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַרְגִּישׁ אֶלָּא בֵּינוֹנִי. לֹא יִכְעֹס אֶלָּא עַל דָּבָר גָּדוֹל שֶׁרָאוּי לִכְעֹס עָלָיו כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יֵעָשֶׂה כַּיּוֹצֵא בּוֹ פַּעַם אַחֶרֶת. וְכֵן לֹא יִתְאַוֶּה אֶלָּא לִדְבָרִים שֶׁהַגּוּף צָרִיךְ לָהֶן וְאִי אֶפְשָׁר לִהְיוֹת בְּזוּלָתָן כָּעִנְיָן שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (משלי יג כה) "צַדִּיק אֹכֵל לְשֹׂבַע נַפְשׁוֹ". וְכֵן לֹא יִהְיֶה עָמֵל בְּעִסְקוֹ אֶלָּא לְהַשִּׂיג דָּבָר שֶׁצָּרִיךְ לוֹ לְחַיֵּי שָׁעָה כָּעִנְיָן שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תהילים לז טז) "טוֹב מְעַט לַצַּדִּיק". וְלֹא יִקְפֹּץ יָדוֹ בְּיוֹתֵר. וְלֹא יְפַזֵּר מָמוֹנוֹ אֶלָּא נוֹתֵן צְדָקָה כְּפִי מִסַּת יָדוֹ וּמַלְוֶה כָּרָאוּי לְמִי שֶׁצָּרִיךְ. וְלֹא יְהֵא מְהוֹלֵל וְשׂוֹחֵק וְלֹא עָצֵב וְאוֹנֵן אֶלָּא שָׂמֵחַ כָּל יָמָיו בְּנַחַת בְּסֵבֶר פָּנִים יָפוֹת. וְכֵן שְׁאָר דֵּעוֹתָיו. וְדֶרֶךְ זוֹ הִיא דֶּרֶךְ הַחֲכָמִים. כָּל אָדָם שֶׁדֵּעוֹתָיו דֵּעוֹת (בֵּינוֹנִית) [בֵּינוֹנִיּוֹת] מְמֻצָּעוֹת נִקְרָא חָכָם:

For example: he should not be wrathful, easily angered; nor be like the dead, without feeling, rather he should [adopt] an intermediate course; i.e., he should display anger only when the matter is serious enough to warrant it, in order to prevent the matter from recurring.

What is the role of anger in clinical practice? Reflect on where anger has crept into your work over the past 5-10 years. What about prior to that time. Is there a difference? How should one handle this emotion?

Definitions:

Torah - either the Five Books of Moses (first five biblical books, Genesis through Deuteronomy), or more generally, "teaching," a term referring to the whole of rabbinic Jewish learning, or the "Torah" of a specific topic (Torat HaMusica, for example). The remainder of the Hebrew Bible consists of the Prophets (Joshua through Malachi, referred to in Hebrew as Navi or Nevi'im) and the Writings (Psalms through Chronicles, referred to in Hebrew as Ketuvim).

Mishna - first layer of oral law and legend, 1st to 2nd c. CE. It tends to be very concise and organized and describes both the law as most people practiced it - and how some dissenting rabbis did it their way. The Mishna often, but not always, links its legal rulings to a verse in the Bible - usually Torah (where the actual commandments are given), but occasionally elsewhere, especially when speaking more about character traits or custom rather than concrete law.

Midrash - a variety of compilations of legend, often "filling in the blanks" in Biblical stories. Sifrei is one example of these, specifically about the book of Leviticus

Gemara - the extensive discussion of the content of the Mishna that, together with the Mishna, makes up the Talmud, 3rd-5th c. CE. Much, but not all, of the Gemara tries to reconcile differences of opinion from the Mishna by explaining them as referring to two different situations. Two versions exist, the Yerushalmi (also called Palestinian or "Eretz Yisraeli") and the Bavli (Babylonian). The latter is the more authoritative and widely studied of the two, as the Jews remaining in Roman Palestine after the destruction of the Temple, and especially after the Hadrianic persecutions, became more and more impoverished and scholarship gradually migrated to Bablyonia. Both of the Talmudic tractates quoted from here are from the Bavli.

Halakha - "the way" or "the going," the Hebrew word for the way Jewish law and tradition is practiced. "The" way may be too strong of a word, since there are different opinions on almost everything, but there is usually some range of things that are normative and things that fall outside of the norms. Traditonal Jews (pre-Enlightenment in Europe and into the 20th century in non-Western settings) all considered themselves obligated to follow halakha, or to use another word, the "mitzvot," commandments. In modern times, Jews who identify as Orthodox still hold to this obligation; the Conservative/Masorti movement identifies itself as halakhic as well, and many Jews both in that stream of Judaism and who do not choose to label themselves as such take on that obligation as well.

Works of Halakha: The Mishneh Torah (literally "second Torah" - also called the Yad haChazakah, "strong hand"), was Maimonides master work of halakha from the 12th century, one of the earliest attempts to write a complete, thematically organized legal code (the Mishna is thematically organized, but the Gemara has such severe ADHD that the theme is often lost for pages at a time). Sefer ha Chinuch is a 13th century work of halahka from Spain enumerating the mitzvot (613 of them, to be exact) and explaining both the accepted practice of each and the moral ideas behind them, based on Maimonides' list of the same type a century earlier.

Other codes of law not cited in this lesson include the Arba Turim ("Four Columns"), the Shulhan Arukh ("Prepared Table," a work of law for the Sephardic communities that even has an addendum for Ashkenazi Jews called the Mapah, "Tablecloth!"), and the Mishnah Berurah ("Clear Teaching"). These are supplemented by individual responsa (answers to questions) by later rabbis. Legal codes and responsa usually go into great depth to answer the question at hand, and their conclusions are built on sources from all the different layers of the tradition I listed - including other legal codes and responsa that came before.

Perhaps the most celebrated responsum of my lifetime? The one that pronounced quinoa to be fully Kosher for Passover, to which one rabbi reacted, "Well, now I know how the four letter name of God (yud-heh-vav-heh) is pronounced - Yahoo!!!!" Meanwhile, my personal favorite responsum was one answering the question asked by a group of Jews in far eastern Russia in 1943 who had fled the war and couldn't figure out what day to celebrate one of their holidays - because they did not know for sure which side of the international dateline they were on according to the halakhic​​​​​​​ definition!