HANAN The world is like, literally imploding. What’s the point in even trying to be happy anymore.

We present this animation and study guide on happiness during challenging times, aware that this topic may feel difficult or inappropriate for many. And yet, our tradition frequently acknowledges that as a community and as individuals, we often hold more than one emotion at any given moment. In addition, many argue that during challenging times, joy is more important than ever. Consider these teachings:

"Everybody has it hard. But we can model what it means to find joy even in the midst of hardship. Even in the midst of despair, even in the midst of fear and anxiety. And we can create a different future. Joy is an act of spiritual and political resistance."

"As long as this world remains unredeemed, the most human thing we can do is build a spiritual consciousness that can hold both heartache and happiness. Grieve deeply, and leave room for the light. Celebrate wholeheartedly, but always with humble awareness of where the pain lives. Grieve and live. Live and grieve. Because if we’re paying attention, every moment is pregnant with both pain and possibility. There is simply never only one or the other."

"A people that can know insecurity and still feel joy is one that can never be defeated, for its spirit can never be broken nor its hope destroyed."

"Rabbinic sages debated what to do when loss and grief and joy and gladness meet. The Talmud offers a scenario where a funeral procession and a wedding processing meet in the center of town. Idiomatically explained best by 11th century Rashi, “When the bride comes out from her father’s home to the wedding hall at the same time [as] those accompanying a dead body for burial and both groups will be shouting – one group with joy and the other in mourning and we don’t want to mix the two, we reroute those accompanying the deceased…”…

…What the rabbis of the Talmud nudge us to imagine is this: As the beloveds cross the road to their chuppah, and the mourners in the funeral procession look out from their sadness through the car window, for a split second they see one another and look each other in the eye. The mourners witness as joy proceeds, the beloveds witness the fragility of life, and neither one’s existence can steal from the other’s truth. Because loss and grief and joy and gladness are deeply intertwined at every moment of being human. So maybe we need the reminder to push ourselves, especially when the world is offering us more grief than gladness, to witness them both, but not to postpone the joy. Rather, let us allow joy to lead the way."

The teaching referred to by Rabbi Gubitz states that when a wedding party meets a funeral procession on a public street, priority is given to the wedding celebration. Ketubot 17a:9 (sefaria.org) Even in times of sadness, there is space for the primacy for joy.

There are many examples in Jewish tradition where joy and sorrow exist together. One well-known communal example is the breaking of a glass at a wedding, symbolically recalling the destruction of the Temple even in our moment of greatest joy. As Rabbi Brous notes, “every moment is pregnant with both pain and possibility. There is simply never only one or the other.”

"The essential questions have no answers. You are my question, and I am yours — and then there is dialogue. The moment we have answers, there is no dialogue. Questions unite people, answers divide them."

What makes us truly happy? To answer that question, we must ask other questions such as: What is the definition of happiness? Is there more than one meaning? Is there only one definition of happiness for everyone?

We begin by opening the dictionary. The first Merriam-Webster definition of happiness is “a state of well-being and contentment.” This definition raises more questions. How do we define both well-being and contentment?

Another approach is to look for synonyms. There are many words in English similar to happiness. A quick thesaurus check gives us: joy, cheerfulness, bliss, gladness, delight.

In Hebrew, the most common Hebrew word for happy is sameach שמח (as in חג שמח hag sameach – happy holiday; or שמחה simcha – a joyous event). A few of many other words for happy include osher אושר (as in the first word of the well-known Hebrew prayer ashrei אשרי ), rina רינה (generally indicating joyous singing), and oneg עונג (as in Oneg Shabbat).

If you are interested in a more extensive list of Hebrew words for happy, the traditional seven wedding blessings (שבע ברכות Sheva Brachot) are filled with synonyms. The Seven Blessings (Sheva Brachot) for a Jewish Wedding | My Jewish Learning. The English translation picks up on the diversity of words in the Hebrew.

When many words exist for the same general idea, often it means nuances exist for that idea. The understanding of happiness that Daddy tries to teach Hanan is hard to define because, for him, happiness is not separate from other emotions or experiences, but rather a lasting, deep, inherent state of well-being and self-fulfillment that comes as a result of deep, meaningful relationships, gratitude, humility, kindness, and investment in our own growth through using our gifts to support the growth of others.

Many Jewish thinkers try to define this experience. In English, we often use a word like “joy” instead of “happiness” to distinguish between a fleeting feeling and the deeper state of being that we might call (joyous) contentment. See this article by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks as an example of distinguishing between happiness and joy: The Pursuit of Joy - Rabbi Sacks on Parsha - OU Torah

As is often the case in Jewish tradition, when we look closely, we find complex and sometimes even contradictory understandings of happiness. This study guide examines some of these issues and questions, while leaving space for dialogue and multiple answers.

DADDY Because Hanan…when you try to fill your unhappiness with pleasure, with what you want, it’s never enough. It can never be enough. It can only lead to an endless search for more and more pleasure…

"And It [happiness] is not going to depend on how much money we got and what kind of automobile we got or how many luxury homes we have."

Rabbi Twerski responds here to the American advertising myth that if we could only “get” enough “stuff” we’d be happy. Of course, having enough for our basic needs is important, but often we have a distorted view the difference between “need” and “want.” The context of Rabbi Twerski is a focus on self-fulfillment as a goal for our lives rather than pleasure. (See section below on Finding Purpose and Meaning.)

DADDY There’s nothing wrong with pleasure! Absolutely nothing! The problem is when the pleasure becomes the goal itself…You can be experiencing pleasure, and be very unhappy, and you can be experiencing pain in your life, but still be happy.

"There is nothing wrong with having pleasure…but my life does not become dependent on pleasure. Because if your life becomes dependent on pleasure, then as soon as one pleasure is over with, then you have to go for the next one and that becomes like an addiction…there’s never any end to it."

"When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure."

DADDY …And the study found that what was more important, above anything else, for your physical and mental health and happiness, was...

HANAN Wait, let me guess, I’m good at these things...exercise!

DADDY Nope.

HANAN Your diet!

DADDY Nope.

HANAN How much money you have!

DADDY Not even close…

Hanan’s guesses regarding the most important source of happiness show that social media and American advertising business visions of happiness are “not even close” to the actual findings of this study.

Beginning by quoting this famous Harvard study in part 1 of the animation and continuing with other teachings in parts 2 and 3, Daddy explains to Hanan that happiness doesn’t come from “things” that we pursue. Rather, happiness may come as a result of much more important and satisfying goals such as

Before we examine these important teachings, we need to note here that an excessive focus on any of these goals can lead to an avoidance of deeper personal issues, an attitude of toxic positivity or a loss of self in service of others. As with all “answers” to complex questions, a healthy balance is always key.

DADDY… The biggest determinate of whether a 50 year old would be healthy and happy when they were 80, was whether or not they had good, quality, deep – relationships!

HANAN You’re kidding!

DADDY I’m not. Look it up. Dr. Waldinger. Harvard Study of Adult Development. Everyone’s talking about it. It turns out the worst thing for your health and happiness,…is to be lonely.

If you want to read about Dr. Waldinger’s Harvard Study of Human Development, check out this article: Over nearly 80 years, Harvard study has been showing how to live a healthy and happy life — Harvard Gazette

You can also read more about the profound social and medical impacts of loneliness here: New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States | HHS.gov

Until this moment in the process of Creation, God sees each new creation and states that it is “good.” What is the first thing that “isn’t good?” It isn’t good for a human to be alone.

Only one other time in Torah we find something described as “not good.” The second time is when Yitro, Moses’ father-in-law, tells Moses that it is “not good” for him be the only judge for all of the people. Yitro tells Moses to appoint others to help him. Exodus 18:17 (sefaria.org) Again, “not good” is about being alone. There are times when we need to ask for help.

DADDY … And this next part is very important: choose carefully who you spend your time with. You emulate the people around you Hanan…

The very first line of Psalms reminds us that who we hang out with matters. If you want to be truly happy, be careful whose advice you take, whose company you keep and who you walk with through life.

The Book of Proverbs reminds us that the sweetness of a friend is connected to that which makes us happy. In order to have a friend, we need to be willing to listen to their counsel. We must know how to make space for them, just as God, in the Jewish mystical story of creation, did tzimtzum (self-withdrawal) to make space for the world to exist. Until then, God took up all the space. In the act of creation, God modeled for us the respectful space required for relationships to exist and to flourish.

"Simcha [Joy] in the Torah is never about individuals. It is always about something we share… Simcha is joy shared. It is not something we experience in solitude."

In his full article, Rabbi Sacks gives numerous examples of how Jewish tradition describes joy as a central aspect and result of communal practices. (See the Deuteronomy text in the “Behaving Kindly and Generously” section as an example.)

Finally, we share this text from Ecclesiastes that reminds us that it is not good to be alone. Two is better than one. And three is even better!

The Harvard study confirms these Jewish texts and quotes. Meaningful, mutually supportive connection to others is a crucial source of long-term health and happiness.

At the same time, we need to be sure that our relationships are healthy. Relationships in which we enable others or self-erase are dangerous. If you find that you only give to others, with no time for yourself or your own feelings, it is time for new relationships. This is often easier said than done, and if you are in an unhealthy relationship, or if you find that a relationship keeps you from addressing real personal needs, we encourage you to seek professional advice and help.

We will examine gratitude and choice separately below, though Daddy argues that they are deeply connected because gratitude doesn’t always come naturally to us. We often must make a conscious choice to be grateful.

DADDY …It’s more than that Hanan, it’s about the power of choice. There are many things in our lives that we have no control over…but there are so many more things that we can control. Recognizing that we have the choice to NOT allow ourselves to suffer, even when things aren’t going our way, can be a great source of strengthen, Hanan…As my friend Viktor liked to say: You can’t always choose your situation, but you can choose how you respond…

"When we're no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves - between stimulus and response there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Viktor Frankl wrote extensively about his experiences in the Holocaust. He learned that the choices we make in those moments between stimulus and response determine what kind of person we will be, even under impossibly difficult circumstances.

DADDY …if you’re obsessing on the things that aren’t going well, the things you want, that others supposedly have and you feel you deserve, all those things that Instagram feeds you, then you’re unhappy. And people around you feel that Hanan! But it’s impossible to be complaining when you’re focusing on the things in your life that are going well…It’s all about perspective.

Daddy reminds Hanan that perspective can help us change how we feel. Where do we choose to place our emotional focus? The same lesson can be found in Pirke Avot.

We each have only a portion of all that is available in the world. Are we happy with our portion? In our liturgy we read every Shabbat that Moses is happy with his portion, generally understood to mean he was happy with his unique opportunity to receive the Torah. ישמח משה במתנת חלקו | Sefaria Search But even with Moses, it is only a “portion” of all the honor and opportunities of his time. He isn’t allowed to lead the people into the land of Israel. He isn’t the High Priest. His sons do not inherit his leadership position. Like Moses, we all only have a “portion” of the gifts of this world.

These are the first words that Joseph says to his brothers when he reveals himself to them as his brother. Notice that he changes the “selling” done by the brothers into a “sending” done by God. He chooses to transform his painful experience into something positive in the course of this one sentence.

For more on the why and how of changing our perspective, see Hanan’s Food for Thought animation and study guide on awe Awe (sefaria.org)

While, as Viktor Frankl suggests, we always have the power of choice in terms of how we respond to our circumstances, there is a difference between responding to difficult circumstances with grace and responding to those same circumstances with happiness. Sometimes it is justifiably difficult to force ourselves to be happy. In the quote below, Rabbi Weiss discusses the Chasidic Master Ma’or VaShemesh (1751-1823, Poland) on this subject. In this teaching, God is our model because God understood that the “sheer force of their own will” was not enough for the Israelites to be happy when they were in Egyptian bondage.

"The Ma’or VaShemesh’s perspective takes into account that it is not always possible for a person to decide to be happy, to force oneself into a mood of joyous satisfaction. When the people of Israel were suffering the indignities of slavery, the backbreaking labor and the lack of self-determination, they were not happy. And God did not expect them to be happy or to become happy through the sheer force of their own will. God understands that their ability to serve Him with joy depends on their external circumstances and that improving the conditions of their lives was something that the people were unable to do on their own. God would need to send Moshe to redeem them."

This teaching brings us back to another earlier teaching in this study guide about the importance of relationships. Asking and receiving help from others can be a necessary ingredient for happiness. In the case of the Israelites in Egypt, God understood this. And even God needed the help of Moses. Moses, in turn, needed the help of God, the teamwork with his siblings Aaron and Miriam, the advice of his father-in-law, and the support of the elders.

DADDY When you choose to focus on what is GOOD in your life, you feel full, you feel rich, and that’s what you project - remember, no one wants to be around someone who’s complaining all the time…

"Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is crucial for Americans, who are conditioned to believe that we never have enough, no matter how much we have. Choosing to acknowledge just one blessing each morning is a good way to begin to train the heart and spirit to notice personal blessings and to move from a perspective of a glass half-empty to a glass half-full."

While Rabbi Teutsch doesn’t address happiness directly, he reminds us that the belief that we never have enough is a conditioned attitude. Gratitude is the antidote. Starting each day by recognizing our personal blessings is embedded in Jewish tradition. The Talmud (Menachot 43b) encourages us to say 100 blessings every day! Rabbi Teutsch suggests that we start with at least one blessing of gratitude each morning to start our day.

Rabbi Teutsch and Proverbs 12:25 both focus on the power to change our approach to life through gratitude and positive actions.

"…Judaism does not primarily connect joy to the great moments when God interrupts history and turns things upside down, but rather to something far more sober—to the attempt to live with God in the day-to-day march through the desert, through history, and through life. [Rabbi Yitz] Greenberg writes: “It is relatively easy to rise to one peak moment of… courageous commitment. It is more taxing and more heroic to wrestle with everyday obstacles without highs or diversions. True maturity means learning to appreciate the finite rewards of every day along the way.”…"

Rabbi Held writes about the joy of Sukkot. He notes that the historical aspect of Sukkot is not as dramatic as Pesach (leaving Egypt) or Shavuot (Receiving the Torah). Sukkot celebrates the daily, mundane life in the desert. It is much easier to find happiness in peak moments in our lives. True happiness comes when we are grateful for daily relationships and surroundings.

For more on the relationship between gratitude and happiness, see Hanan’s Food for Thought animation and study guide on gratitude You Can Dance Theme: Gratitude (sefaria.org)

DADDY …Now comes the relationship itself: a relationship that leads to self-fulfillment and happiness, is a relationship in which you are growing and developing yourself, by helping another person become their best self. …

HANAN Hmm…OK, but if I’m investing in others, what’s left for me?

DADDY Well, that’s the paradox. That’s the big secret: You grow more yourself, by investing in others.

Hanan doesn’t understand how taking care of others would help him be happy. Daddy calls it a paradox. When we help others, we are in fact helping ourselves. Rabbi Nachman and the Deuteronomy text below both point to this same idea.

The context here is the celebration of Sukkot, the final of three harvest festivals. Of the three, Sukkot is the only harvest festival that “requires” us to be happy. What does happiness look like on Sukkot? Our text suggests that happiness comes from sharing our food with others in our community, including with those who may not have access to enough food.

Rebbe Nachman here uses the expression “beginnings” to talk about times when we try to make changes in ourselves. He acknowledges that all beginnings of this sort are difficult. Giving tzedakah to others is hard, but, he argues, it is the beginning of all beginnings. Giving to others opens us in deep ways so that we can make those other changes in ourselves that we seek. His advice: if we want to be happy, or make any other emotional changes in our lives, start with giving tzedakah.

DADDY …First step: get out of the house!

Daddy encourages Hanan to “get out of the house” in order to be with and support others. For some, this is helpful advice. For others supporting others may mean making a phone call to check on a friend, sending a card, or inviting others into their home. Each person has their own way of meaningfully connecting with and supporting others.

The power of helping others is explored in detail in Hanan’s Jewish Food for Thought animation and the accompanying study guide on kindness here: KINDNESS (Chesed) (sefaria.org)

Of course, we have to be careful not to “use” other people’s needs as a vehicle for our own happiness. For a more in-depth look at tzedakah, including the importance of prioritizing the needs and dignity of the recipient, see Hanan’s Jewish Food For Thought animation and the accompanying study guide on tzedakah here: Justice / Charity / Tzedakah (sefaria.org)

DADDY People are more unfulfilled and lonelier than ever. They are searching for connection, meaning, and purpose, but instead of investing in deep relationships, they sit alone, online, and alienated.

Daddy reminds Hanan that we all seek connection, meaning and purpose.

"We have the ability to improve ourselves, to be compassionate, to have perspective for the future, to search for truth, and to have a goal in life. All of these make us into human beings.

If we do not use these traits, we are incomplete, and incomplete human beings cannot be happy. When we lack these character traits and have this chronic unhappiness, we desperately look for things that will make us feel better. One may find comfort in alcohol, the other seeks it in drugs, gambling, lust, food, pursuit of money, etc. We look for many things to get rid of chronic unhappiness, but our chronic unhappiness is due to our being deficient in key areas…

[H]appiness depends on developing the qualities of the human spirit."

Rabbi Twerski argues that unhappiness comes from the lack of development of our unique traits. Those unique traits help us develop goals and meaning in life, which he understands to be the essence of what it means to be human.

"…[W]ith a good teacher, we can develop a happiness in life by developing oneself fully and developing one’s potential to be the best person one can be."

This teaching brings us back to the need for connection and meaningful relationships. A teacher who understands us and guides us can be a key to developing our potential.

"Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."

According to Chasidic lore, near his death, Rabbi Zusha of Hanipol (18th century) told his disciples: “In the next world I won’t be asked, 'Why weren't you more like Moses?' Rather, I’ll be asked, 'Zusha, why weren't you more like Zusha?' And then what will I say?"

DADDY …Developing yourself is uncomfortable Hanan, because it’s new. But if you don’t take risks and push yourself out of your comfort zone, then how can you grow?

"Times of stress are also times that are signals for growth and if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity."

Like the lobster that Daddy describes to Hanan, growth requires discomfort. Sometimes discomfort and change are thrust upon us against our will. Other times, we need to acknowledge that we want to change. In either case, change can be an opportunity for growth, even as it may be uncomfortable both for ourselves and often also for others who are used to us as we have been.

The people of Israel left bondage three months earlier and just received the Torah. As Moses begins to explain the new rules through which they will build a different life for themselves, they respond by acknowledging that first they will do and then they will hear. The order seems backwards. But this is seen as a highlight of their relationship with God. “Hearing” in this case means coming to a deep understanding. They trust that if they will do what is asked of them, even if it is difficult, then a deep understanding will come later.

Each person must seek their own path to happiness. It isn’t found by ignoring real problems. As Leanard Cohen famously sang: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” And before him, the Kotzker Rebbe (1787-1859) taught: “There is nothing as whole as a broken heart.”

All our feelings are real and must be acknowledged. Life can be hard, but teachings in Jewish tradition as well as in modern psychology explain that happiness can be found, even in hard times, through engaging in healthy relationships, choosing gratitude, acting kindly towards others, and finding and living out our unique purposes.

These qualities and actions all involve a deep sense of humility. They require us to recognize our need for others. We must be aware that we aren’t the center of the universe. The humility required to know our limited, yet vital place in the vastness of this world is crucial to happiness. For a deeper look at the issues around humility, see Hanan’s animation and the accompanying study guide on this topic. The Power of the Earth Theme: Humility (sefaria.org)

We acknowledge that there are many texts we haven’t shared here that speak of the importance of serving God, the Divine Other, with joy. These texts arguably are at the core of Jewish teachings about joy. See, for example, Deuteronomy 26:11, Psalms 33:21 (sefaria.org), Psalms 105:3 (sefaria.org) and the entirety of Psalms 100:1 (sefaria.org). These teachings, and many others, could be examples for us in how we might treat our relationships, not only with the Divine Other, but also with human others.

Perhaps Daddy’s ultimate lesson to Hanan, and an important lesson from these teachings, is that the more we pursue happiness, the more it evades us. Happiness, understood as an experience of deep joy, a state of well-being and contentment, comes as a result of other factors or character traits, as we’ve explored. Living in a mutually supportive community, grateful, and fully embracing our own unique purposes are the paths leading us to happiness.

We end with a text from the Talmud about two brothers who are guaranteed a place in the world to come, understood in the Talmud as a reward for a well-lived life. This story takes place post destruction of the 2nd Temple, a very difficult time in Jewish history.

The brothers aren’t famous or greatly accomplished. They are simple jesters. What is so special about them? The Talmud gives two answers: They cheer up those who are sad and/or they bring peace between people.

From this description we learn that the brothers notice the needs of others and care for them in meaningful ways. And they do it together, as companions. Note that their goal is the happiness of others rather than their own happiness.

The story doesn’t say that the brothers are happy. But they bring joy to others, even during a painful time in Jewish history. And, if this is how they behave in the world, true to themselves, in cheerful service of others, and as friends, one imagines that contentment and even happiness might follow.

Laughter in the Face of Tragedy: The Enduring Resistance of Rabbi Akiva - The Lehrhaus by Miriam Zami

The Amen Effect, by Rabbi Sharon Brous. We recommend the entire book and especially chapter 5, Grieve and Live. You can also read the first part of this chapter here: Grieving and Living - Tablet Magazine

Do you enjoy these animations? Hanan has organized monthly, in-person discussion clubs that meet around the country. To learn more please visit: JewishFoodForThought.com