If you are experiencing domestic abuse, here are some resources to get help:
Shalom Task Force (Hotline and chat available): https://shalomtaskforce.org/contact
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
(Feel free to clear your browser history to stay safe after viewing any of these websites)
TALMUDIC SOURCES AGAINST SPOUSAL ABUSE
And we answered his question from this amoraic statement: When a woman marries a man, she ascends with him to his socioeconomic status, if it is higher than hers, but she does not descend with him if his status is lower. Rav Huna said: What is the verse from which this is derived? It is derived from: “She is a man’s wife” (Genesis 20:3). The Gemara explains: The word used here for “wife [be’ula]” hints through similar spelling that she ascends in status with the ascension [aliya] of her husband but does not descend with the descent of her husband. Rabbi Elazar said: There is a hint to this principle from here: “As she was the mother of all living” (Genesis 3:20), which indicates that she was given to her husband for living with him, but was not given to suffer pain with him.
ואמר רמי בר חמא אמר רב אסי אסור לאדם שיכוף אשתו לדבר מצוה שנאמר ואץ ברגלים חוטא ואמר רבי יהושע בן לוי כל הכופה אשתו לדבר מצוה הויין לו בנים שאינן מהוגנין
Rami bar Ḥama said that Rav Asi said: It is prohibited for a man to force his wife in the conjugal mitzva, i.e., sexual relations, as it is stated: “And he who hastens with his feet sins” (Proverbs 19:2). The term his feet is understood here as a euphemism for intercourse. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Anyone who forces his wife to perform the conjugal mitzva will have unworthy children as a consequence.
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: הָאוֹהֵב אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ כְּגוּפוֹ, וְהַמְכַבְּדָהּ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ, וְהַמַּדְרִיךְ בָּנָיו וּבְנוֹתָיו בְּדֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה, וְהַמַּשִּׂיאָן סָמוּךְ לְפִירְקָן — עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״וְיָדַעְתָּ כִּי שָׁלוֹם אׇהֳלֶךָ״.
§ The Sages taught: One who loves his wife as he loves himself, and who honors her more than himself, and who instructs his sons and daughters in an upright path, and who marries them off near the time when they reach maturity, about him the verse states: And you shall know that your tent is in peace. As a result of his actions, there will be peace in his home, as it will be devoid of quarrel and sin.
RAMBAM'S MIXED LEGACY ON ABUSE
I have never heard of women being hit with a rod, rather he should lessen her sexual needs and her food until she bends. (translation mine)
RESPONSA LITERATURE THROUGH THE AGES
1351-1445 ,Shimon Ben Tzemach Duran, Algiers
(א) שאלה ח: עוד שאלת אשה שבעלה מצער אותה הרבה עד שמרוב הצער היא מואסת אותו
(ב) תשובה: קרוב הדבר בזה שיוציא ויתן כתובה דקיימא לן לחיים ניתנה ולא לצער... שאין אדם דר עם נחש בכפיפה והדיין הכופה לחזור לבעלה אם מרדה... מנדין אותו
Question: Another question about a long suffering wife, whose husband is a difficult person whom she cannot stand.
Response: You can write that he should divorce her and give her the ketubah for she was given for life, not for sorrow... and does not have to live in close quarters with a snake… and the rabbinic judge who forces a woman who rebelled to go back to her [abusive] husband... should be excommunicated…”
Question: One that hears his wife curse and spurn her father and mother, and he warns her with words about this a number of times and it is not effective, is it permitted to hit her in order to discipline her so that she should not do so or not?
Answer: It would seem in this case to be permitted. And this is even though in the Mordechai Perek HaMadir in the response of Rabbenu Simcha that the one who hits his wife transgresses the negative commandment of "lest he exceed (the maximum number of lashes)" and this is a very serious matter...
in any case to remove her from this serious prohibition of cursing parents, it is certainly permitted.
(translation mine)
ברכניכם בשם ה׳. ועל טוב יזכר שמכם. אם כן איפוא כמו שכתב מעבר הלז שהבעל רגיל להכות את אשתו. והיא בקשה ממנו שלא להכותה. ועוד לא רצה להבטיחה שלא להכותה עוד ולא קיבל. ואמר שוב בבית הכנסת שקבלה עבור מזונותיה עליו או שיבטיחנה שלא להכותה עוד ולא רצה לקבל.
דבר פשוט שצריך לשלם כל מה שלוותה ואכלה שלא רצה לכנע לבבו אפי' בדבור לומ' לא אעשה עוד מחשבתו נכרת מתוך מעשיו שהיה חפץ להכותה. כיון שעבר ושנה ושילש בזדון. ונעשה לו כהתר שלא רצה לנהוג עמה דרך כבוד ולא כמשפט הבנות הכבודות!
וקיימא לן והיא בעולת בעל בעלייתו של בעל ולא בירידתו. לחיים ניתנה ולא לצער. כל שכן שלא להכותה דקעבר על לאו דלא יוסיף... אשתו שהוא מצווה עליה לכבדה אינו דין שיהא מצוה שלא להכותה. ואדרבה חייב לכבדה יותר מגופו כדאיתא בפרק אילו הן הנשרפין. (דף עז) ואף המזיק אשתו בתשמיש המטה אמר בפרק המניח (בבא קמא דף לב) דחייב. כ"ש דאין לו להכותה.
ועוד בפרק הבא על יבמתו (יבמות דף סג) דקא דחיק תלמודא למצוא תקנה לאשה רעה ולא מישתמיט ולימא ליסרה בשוטים. ועוד מספר כתובתה נלמוד שיקבל עליו לכבדה. ואנא אפלח ואוקיר וכו'. לכבוד ניתנה ולא לבזיון. ואין זה דרך בני עמינו להכות נשותיהן כמנהג ע"ה. חלילה לכל בני ברית מעשות כדבר הזה.
ואם היה בא לפנינו דין זה שאשה קובלת על בעלה שמכה אותה היינו מחמירין עליו מאילו היה מכה את אחר. ומטעמא דפרישנא. ובפחות מזה כתב רב פלטאי גאון ז"ל שיוצא ויתן כתובה. וזה לשונו.
והיכא דארגילו קטטה אם היא מרגלת. כמורדת דמיא ואין לה כלום: ואם הוא מרגיל יש לה כל כתובתה. ואם מרגילין בני הבית כגון חמותו ובת חמותה יש עליו מן הדין להוציאה למקום אחר אין אדם דר עם נחש בכפיפה. ואם אין מוציאה מגרשה ונותן לה כתובתה. וכן הלכה וכן מנהג עכ"ל:
Meir of Rothenberg 1215-1293
Question: A often beats his wife. She begged him to promise not to beat her any more, but he refused to make any such promise. Even when she appeared in the Synagogue to demand that A pay the debts she had contracted in order to pay for her sustenance [probably during a period of separation], A stubbornly refused to promise that in the future he would refrain from beating her.
Answer: It's an obvious matter that A must pay for his wife's sustenance since by his action he has shown that he had not decided to desist even by his word to say he won't do it again, that his thought is cut off from his deed that he would desire to strike her... since he transgressed and repeated again and again on purpose and it has become to him as if it is permitted to do it, that he doesn't want to act with her in an honorable way and not like the law of honored daughters!
And it's established for us that a husband's taking a wife is for him to ascend and not to descend (in his morals). She was given for life and not for suffering. Even more so should he not strike her that he is transgressing the prohibition of adding lashes... His wife the he is commanded about her to honor her, there is no doubt that he should be commanded not strike her! On the contrary, he is obligated to honor her more than himself, as we have in the chapter Elu Hen HaNisrafin. And also the one who harms his wife through sex, the Talmud also says he is obligated for punishment. All the more so that he cannot strike her.
...And further her Ketubah says that he takes on him to honor her, as it says: "I will work for her and honor her..." For honor she was given and not for disgrace. And this is not the way of our people to hit their wive's like the way of Amei Haaretz. God forbid all people of the covenant from doing a thing such as this.
And if a case were to come before us that a wife attests about her husband that he strikes her, we would be more stringent on him than those that would strike any other person! And this is from the reason that I have explained. And wrote Rav Paltai Gaon that he goes out and gives her ketubah money.
But if it's a case where she is in the habit of making strife, she is like a rebellious wife, and she gets nothing. But if he is the one regularly causing strife, she gets all of her Ketubah money. And if the members of his household like his son in law or her daughter in law are regularly causing the strife, he has to by law take her to another place as "no person can dwell in a cage with a serpent." But if he does not take her out, he divorces her and give her her Ketubah money.
(Translation Mine)
שו"ת בנימין זאב, סימן מ"ח, מצטט תקנת רבינו פרץ
BENJAMIN ZE'EV BEN MATTATHIAS OF ARTA early 16th century Greece
קול שועת בנות עמינו ממרחק נשמע על אודות בני ישראל המרימי' זרועותיהן להכות נשותיהם ומי השליט באיש בענין זה להכות אשתו הלא מוזהר ועומד הוא שלא להכות שום נפש אחד מישראל... לכן גזרנו בתוקף גזרה ואלה על כל בר ישראל ליכנס בחרם לבקשת אשתו או לבקשת אחד מקרוביה הפסולין לה להעיד שלא להכות אשתו דרך כעס או דרך רשע או דרך בזיון כי לא יעשה זאת בישראל... הודענו לב"ד של אותו מקום כשתבוא זעקת האשה או זעקת קרוביה לפסוק לה מזונות לפי כבודה לפי מנהג בנות המקום אשר דרה היא שם לפי ערכה ויפסקו לה מזונות כאלו הפליג בעלה ממנה והלך בדרך רחוקה
Responsa Binyamin Ze'ev 48, citing enactment of Rabbi Peretz
The cries of our daughters come to us from afar as Jewish [men] raise their hands against their wives. And who ruled that a man may strike his wife? He is forbidden to strike any other person at all! Therefore we have decreed that any Jew may be compelled [to take an oath] not to beat his wife in anger or cruelty so as to disgrace her and if he does so, he will be sent to herem [exile], for this is against Jewish practice... We have informed the local courts that if the cries of such a woman reaches them, the court could assign her [financial] maintenance according to her station and according to the custom of the place where she dwells as if her husband had disappeared.
Rabbi Elliott Dorff, CJLS 1995 Teshuvah on Family Violence:
That historical understanding of Judaism is critical for identifying its contemporary message on any subject, and the topic of family violence is no exception. We look to the tradition for enlightenment and guidance, and we often find it in a simple, straightforward manner. Sometimes, however, traditional sources say things that we find obsolete or even offensive. ·when that occurs, we have not only the right, but the duty to exercise judgment. We must determine whether such a mode of thinking or acting recorded in the tradition is an historical remnant that must be altered because contemporary circum- stances or moral sensitivities have changed, or whether the tradition as it stands is, instead, an indictment of our own way of doing things and a challenge for us to change. Thus, to accomplish our expectation to be taught by the tradition, we must be aware of the twin duties we have as its heirs: we must learn it and preserve it, and, at the same time, evaluate it and reinterpret it when necessary. Only then can it continue to speak to us with wisdom and power.
One other factor must be mentioned at the outset. This responsum is written in answer to Jews asking about the status of family violence in Jewish law. Jews expect their tradition to give them guidance beyond the demands of civil law, for we aspire to holiness. We certainly cannot interpret Jewish law to allow us to be less moral than what civil law requires. Since civil law in most areas of the Western world now prohibits most forms of family violence, Jews must eschew it for that reason in addition to the grounds afforded by the Jewish tradition.
Bibliography:
Rabbi Elliott Dorff's Teshuvah on Family Violence from the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Conservative Movement, which helped me to find many of these sources:
Dorff, E. (1995). Family violence - Rabbi Elliot N. Dorff. Rabbinical Assembly. https://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/halakhah/teshuvot/19912000/dorff_violence.pdf
An english summary of the sources over the years by By Naomi Graetz:
Graetz, N. (2015, April 3). Domestic Violence in Jewish law. My Jewish Learning. https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/domestic-violence-in-jewish-law/
A more extensive analysis of Jewish law over the centuries also by Naomi Graetz on Jewish Women's Archive:
Graetz, Naomi. "Wifebeating in Jewish Tradition." Shalvi/Hyman Encyclopedia of Jewish Women. 27 February 2009. Jewish Women's Archive. (Viewed on December 21, 2024) <https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/wifebeating-in-jewish-tradition>.
Also see Honeycomb Changemaker's sefaria sourcesheet on Domestic Violence for additional sources, including the teshuvah of Rav Benyamin Ze'ev included in this source sheet:
https://www.sefaria.org/sheets/187005.40?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en