Flip to any television station these days and chances are we'll be witness to some dramatic episode of forgiveness. We see a mother and daughter estranged for years kiss and make up, a long-feuding couple holding hands and renewing vows, scandal-plagued politicians asking for absolution and granting it to their accusers. Tears flow, hugs proliferate, and the inevitable psychological experts solemnly intone that traditional psychotherapy has neglected this essential element of cure and that studies show that forgiving alleviates depression and enhances self-esteem.
What's wrong with this picture? The capacity to forgive is an essential part of an examined life. However, enshrining universal forgiveness as a panacea, a requirement or the only moral choice, is rigid, simplistic and even pernicious. Yet that is exactly what we have done. Today we demonize not forgiving as much as we idealize forgiving. Failure to forgive, therapists caution, is to "doom yourself to be a victim for the rest of your life," while clergy warn that it inexorably leads to a "recycling of evil."
Yet some of the most admirable, sane and emotionally healthy people that I know have not forgiven on occasion. Not forgiving needs to be reconceived. It is not an avoidance of forgiveness or a retreat into paranoia, but a legitimate action in itself, with its own progression, motivation and justification. There are many circumstances in which it is the proper and most emotionally authentic course of action.
(רבא אמר) כל המעביר על מדותיו מעבירין לו על כל פשעיו שנאמר נושא עון ועובר על פשע למי נושא עון למי שעובר על פשע רב הונא בריה דרב יהושע חלש על רב פפא לשיולי ביה חזייה דחליש ליה עלמא אמר להו צביתו ליה זוודתא לסוף איתפח הוה מיכסיף רב פפא למיחזייה א"ל מאי חזית אמר (ליה) אין הכי הוה ואמר להו הקב"ה הואיל ולא מוקים במיליה לא תקומו בהדיה שנאמר נושא עון ועובר על פשע למי נושא עון לעובר פשע
Raba said: He who forgoes his right [to exact punishment on others for injustices done to him] is forgiven all his iniquities, as it says, Forgiving iniquity and passing by transgression (Micah 7:18). Who is forgiven iniquity? One who gives up his claims that others have transgressed against him. R. Huna the son of R. Joshua was once ill. R. Papa went to inquire about his well-being. He saw that he was very ill and said to those present, Make ready provisions (his burial shrouds) for his [everlasting] journey. Eventually, however, he [R. Huna] recovered, and R. Papa felt ashamed to see him. He said to him, What did you see [in your illness]? He replied, It was indeed as you thought, about to go, but the Holy One, blessed be He, said to them [the angels]: Because he does not insist upon retribution, do not be exacting with him, as it says, Forgiving iniquity and passing on transgression. Who is forgiven iniquity? He who forgoes his reckonings with others for injustice committed against him.
ויעבור ה' על פניו ויקרא א"ר יוחנן אלמלא מקרא כתוב אי אפשר לאומרו מלמד שנתעטף הקב"ה כשליח צבור והראה לו למשה סדר תפלה אמר לו כל זמן שישראל חוטאין יעשו לפני כסדר הזה ואני מוחל להם ה' ה' אני הוא קודם שיחטא האדם ואני הוא לאחר שיחטא האדם ויעשה תשובה אל רחום וחנון אמר רב יהודה ברית כרותה לי"ג מדות שאינן חוזרות ריקם שנאמר (שמות לד, י) הנה אנכי כורת ברית.
"And The Lord passed before him and proclaimed" (Exodus 34:6). Rabbi Yochanan said: Were a verse not written, it would be impossible to say it. This teaches that the Holy One, Blessed is He, wrapped Himself like a prayer leader and demonstrated to Moses the order of prayer. He said to him: Any time that Israel sins, let them perform before me this procedure and I shall forgive them." The Lord, The Lord! I am He before the person sins and I am He after the person sins and performs repentance. God, Compassionate and Gracious. Rav Yehudah said: a covenant has been made regarding the Thirteen Attributes that they never return empty, as it is stated, Behold I cut a covenant (Exodus 34:10)....
When [Moshe] asked for knowledge of the attributes and asked for forgiveness for the nation, he was given a [favorable] answer with regard to their being forgiven. Then he asked for the apprehension of His essence, may He be exalted. This is what he means when he says "Show me, I pray Thee, Thy glory;" whereupon he received a [favorable] answer with regard to what he had asked for at first - namely, "Show me Thy ways." ...It is then clear that the "ways" - for a knowledge of which he had asked and which, in consequence, were made known to him - are the actions proceeding from God, may He be exalted. The Sages call them "characteristics" and speak of the "thirteen characteristics." This term, as they use it, is applied to moral qualities...For the utmost virtue of man is to become like unto Him, may He be exalted, as far as he is able; which means that we should make our actions like unto His, as the Sages made clear when interpreting the verse "You shall be holy." They said: "He is gracious, so be you also gracious; He is merciful, so be you also merciful."
R' Eliyahu da Vidas, Reishit Hokhmah
Sha'ar Anavah 1
And I heard in the name of the Geonim that this is the meaning of that which they said in Mesechet Rosh Hashanah regarding "And The Lord passed before him and proclaimed" (Exodus 34:6). Rabbi Yochanan said: Were a verse not written, it would be impossible to say it. This teaches that the Holy One, Blessed is He, wrapped Himself like a prayer leader and demonstrated to Moses the order of prayer. He said to him: Any time that Israel sins, let them perform before Me this procedure and I shall forgive them. And the matter is difficult because we have seen many times in which we have proclaimed the 13 attributes and [our prayers] are not answered. Rather the Geonim say that the meaning of "let them perform before Me this procedure" is not merely the wrapping of a talit. Rather that they should perform the attributes which the Holy One Blessed be He taught to Moshe: that He is a merciful and compassionate God. That is, just as He is compassionate so too you should be compassionate, etc. And likewise for all 13 attributes.
How can you forgive someone that really hurt you especially if it is someone close, and the trust between you has been shattered?
Answer:
Forgiveness is not a single action that you begin and complete in a short time. Forgiveness is a multi-layered process and a long journey where we slowly progress and move towards the goal.
In an essay on the topic, the Lubavitcher Rebbe explains that there are three levels of forgiveness:
1) We don't wish the person any harm and we even pray for their wellbeing. At this basic level of forgiveness we might still be upset, feel hurt or even angry. Yet we find it within ourselves not to hope for the person's downfall and not feel the need for revenge.
Forgiveness is not a single action that you begin and complete in a short time
2) We stop being angry. At this second stage we might not be ready to relate to the person as we did before, but we are able to move on and let go to the point where we no longer carry feelings of anger and resentment on any level.
3) Restoring the relationship. At this final stage the forgiveness is complete. Not only have we forgiven the individual but we have totally understood and reaccepted him or her. We are now ready to be as close to the offending person as before.
The Talmud explains that even if someone has hurt us terribly, it is expected of us to find the strength to forgive them at least on the first level. Absence of any forgiveness whatsoever is a sign of cruelty. Wishing badly on someone and the desire for revenge represents a weakness of personality that requires rectification.
Thank you Chabad.org
Thank you to the Rabbinical Assembly Selichot
Discuss any links between this prayer of forgiveness and hopes it expresses and the above sources