Howard Kaminsky
An in-depth presentation of traditional Jewish approaches to resolving interpersonal conflicts. Among the topics discussed are the obligation to pursue peace, what constitutes constructive conflict, countering judgmental biases, resolving conflict through dialogue, apologies, forgiveness, and anger management.
the entire Torah also given on account of the ways of peace, as it is written: “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace” (Proverbs 3:17)
בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה כׇּל מִי שֶׁרוֹצֶה לִתְרוֹם אֶת הַמִּזְבֵּחַ — תּוֹרֵם. וּבִזְמַן שֶׁהֵן מְרוּבִּין רָצִין וְעוֹלִין בַּכֶּבֶשׁ, כׇּל הַקּוֹדֵם אֶת חֲבֵירוֹ בְּאַרְבַּע אַמּוֹת — זָכָה. וְאִם הָיוּ שְׁנֵיהֶן שָׁוִין, הַמְמוּנֶּה אוֹמֵר לָהֶן: הַצְבִּיעוּ. וּמָה הֵן מוֹצִיאִין — אַחַת אוֹ שְׁתַּיִם, וְאֵין מוֹצִיאִין אֲגוּדָל בַּמִּקְדָּשׁ. מַעֲשֶׂה שֶׁהָיוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם שָׁוִין, וְרָצִין וְעוֹלִין בַּכֶּבֶשׁ, וְדָחַף אֶחָד מֵהֶן אֶת חֲבֵירוֹ וְנָפַל וְנִשְׁבְּרָה רַגְלוֹ. וְכֵיוָן שֶׁרָאוּ בֵּית דִּין שֶׁבָּאִין לִידֵי סַכָּנָה, הִתְקִינוּ שֶׁלֹּא יְהוּ תּוֹרְמִין אֶת הַמִּזְבֵּחַ אֶלָּא בְּפַיִיס. אַרְבַּע פְּיָיסוֹת הָיוּ שָׁם, וְזֶה הַפַּיִיס הָרִאשׁוֹן.
MISHNA: Initially, the practice among the priests was that whoever wishes to remove the ashes from the altar removes them. And when there are many priests who wish to perform that task, the privilege to do so is determined by a race: The priests run and ascend on the ramp leading to the top of the altar. Any priest who precedes another and reaches within four cubits of the top of the altar first is privileged to remove the ashes. And if both of them were equal and neither preceded the other, the appointed priest says to all the priests: Extend your fingers, and a lottery was performed, as will be explained. And what fingers do they extend for the lottery? They may extend one or two fingers, and the priests do not extend a thumb in the Temple. The reason is that the lottery was conducted by the appointee choosing a number and counting the extended fingers of the priests standing in a circle. As the count progressed, a priest could calculate and manipulate the result in his favor by surreptitiously extending his thumb and an additional finger. Since there is separation between the thumb and the forefinger it could appear as though they belonged to two different priests, skewing the results of the lottery. Initially, that was the procedure; however, an incident occurred where both of them were equal as they were running and ascending on the ramp, and one of them shoved another and he fell and his leg was broken. And once the court saw that people were coming to potential danger, they instituted that priests would remove ashes from the altar only by means of a lottery. There were four lotteries there, in the Temple, on a daily basis to determine the priests privileged to perform the various services, and this, determining which priest would remove the ashes, was the first lottery.
Getting To Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
William Ury
Getting to Yes offers a straightforward, universally applicable method for negotiating personal and professional disputes without getting taken and without getting angry.
This worldwide bestseller by William Ury provides a concise, step-by-step, proven strategy for coming to mutually acceptable agreements in every sort of conflict. The negotiation tips and techniques can be applied to family situations, business disputes… even international conflicts. The theories and tactics presented in Getting to Yes are based on the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project, an organization that deals with all levels of negotiation, mediation, and conflict resolution.
(ז) הָרוֹאֶה חֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁחָטָא אוֹ שֶׁהָלַךְ בְּדֶרֶךְ לֹא טוֹבָה מִצְוָה לְהַחֲזִירוֹ לַמּוּטָב וּלְהוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁהוּא חוֹטֵא עַל עַצְמוֹ בְּמַעֲשָׂיו הָרָעִים שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יז) "הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ". הַמּוֹכִיחַ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵינוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵין הַמָּקוֹם. צָרִיךְ לְהוֹכִיחוֹ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין עַצְמוֹ. וִידַבֵּר לוֹ בְּנַחַת וּבְלָשׁוֹן רַכָּה וְיוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁאֵינוֹ אוֹמֵר לוֹ אֶלָּא לְטוֹבָתוֹ לַהֲבִיאוֹ לְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָם הַבָּא. אִם קִבֵּל מִמֶּנּוּ מוּטָב וְאִם לָאו יוֹכִיחֶנּוּ פַּעַם שְׁנִיָּה וּשְׁלִישִׁית. וְכֵן תָּמִיד חַיָּב אָדָם לְהוֹכִיחוֹ עַד שֶׁיַּכֵּהוּ הַחוֹטֵא וְיֹאמַר לוֹ אֵינִי שׁוֹמֵעַ. וְכָל שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר בְּיָדוֹ לִמְחוֹת וְאֵינוֹ מוֹחֶה הוּא נִתְפָּשׂ בַּעֲוֹן אֵלּוּ כֵּיוָן שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר לוֹ לִמְחוֹת בָּהֶם:
(7) He who beholds his fellow stooping to sin or following an unrighteous path, is obliged to return him toward the good, and to let him know that he is actually sinning against himself in pursuing wicked deeds for, it is said: "And thou shalt indeed rebuke thy neighbor" (Lev. 19.17). He who rebukes his fellow, whether it be regarding a sin committed between man and man, or whether it be regarding matters between man and God, it is essential that the rebuke be administered only between them both; and he shall speak to him calmly, employing soft language, telling him that he does not speak of it to him, save for his own good, to bring him to a life in the world to come. If he receive it attentively from him, it is well; if not, he should rebuke him a second, even a third time. So is the constant duty of a man to continue to rebuke his fellow, even until the sinner strike him, and say unto him: "I will not listen". He in whose power it is to prevent sin and does not take the means to prevent it, he himself is ultimately overtaken by their sin, since it was possible for him to prevent them.7Shabbat, 54a; Ibid. 119b; Baba Mezi’a 31a. C. G.
(ט) אָמַר רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יוֹחָאי גָּדוֹל הַשָּׁלוֹם, שֶׁכָּל הַבְּרָכוֹת כְּלוּלוֹת בּוֹ, (תהלים כט, יא): ה' עֹז לְעַמּוֹ יִתֵּן ה' יְבָרֵךְ אֶת עַמּוֹ בַשָּׁלוֹם. חִזְקִיָּה אָמַר תַּרְתֵּי, חִזְקִיָּה אָמַר גָּדוֹל שָׁלוֹם שֶׁכָּל הַמִּצְווֹת כְּתִיב בְּהוּ (שמות כג, ד ה): כִּי תִרְאֶה, כִּי תִפְגַע, (דברים כב, ו): כִּי יִקָּרֵא, אִם בָּאת מִצְוָה לְיָדְךָ אַתָּה זָקוּק לַעֲשׂוֹתָהּ וְאִם לָאו אִי אַתָּה זָקוּק לַעֲשׂוֹתָהּ, בְּרַם הָכָא (תהלים לד, טו): בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ, בַּקְשֵׁהוּ לִמְקוֹמְךָ וְרָדְפֵהוּ לְמָקוֹם אַחֵר.
(9) Said Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai: Great is peace, for all blessings are included with it, "Adonai grants strength to His people, Adonai blesses his people with peace" (Psalm 29:11). Ḥizkiyah said two things. Ḥizkiyah said: Great is peace, for all the commandments are written this way: "When you see" (Exodus 23:5), "when you encounter" (Exodus 23:4), "when you come across" (Deuteronomy 22:6). If a commandment comes to you you are bound to do it, but if not you are not bound to do it. But here it says "Seek peace and pursue it" (Psalm 34:15) – seek it for your place, and pursue it for other places.
וְאָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן מִשּׁוּם רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יְהוֹצָדָק: כׇּל תַּלְמִיד חָכָם שֶׁאֵינוֹ נוֹקֵם וְנוֹטֵר כְּנָחָשׁ — אֵינוֹ תַּלְמִיד חָכָם.
And Rabbi Yoḥanan said in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Yehotzadak: Any Torah scholar who does not avenge himself and bear a grudge like a snake when insulted is not considered a Torah scholar at all, as it is important to uphold the honor of Torah and its students by reacting harshly to insults.
וְהָכְתִיב: ״לֹא תִקּוֹם וְלֹא תִטּוֹר״? הָהוּא, בְּמָמוֹן הוּא דִּכְתִיב, דְּתַנְיָא: אֵיזוֹ הִיא נְקִימָה וְאֵיזוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה? נְקִימָה — אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי מַגָּלְךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: לָאו. לְמָחָר אָמַר לוֹ הוּא: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי קַרְדּוּמְּךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי מַשְׁאִילְךָ, כְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁלֹּא הִשְׁאַלְתַּנִי — זוֹ הִיא נְקִימָה. וְאֵיזוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה? אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי קַרְדּוּמְּךָ, אָמַר לוֹ: לֹא. לְמָחָר אָמַר לוֹ: הַשְׁאִילֵנִי חֲלוּקְךָ! אָמַר לוֹ: הֵילָךְ, אֵינִי כְּמוֹתְךָ שֶׁלֹּא הִשְׁאַלְתַּנִי. זוֹ הִיא נְטִירָה. וְצַעֲרָא דְגוּפָא לָא? וְהָא תַּנְיָא: הַנֶּעֱלָבִין וְאֵינָן עוֹלְבִין, שׁוֹמְעִין חֶרְפָּתָן וְאֵינָן מְשִׁיבִין, עוֹשִׂין מֵאַהֲבָה וּשְׂמֵחִין בְּיִסּוּרִין, עֲלֵיהֶן הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״וְאוֹהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבוּרָתוֹ״!
But isn’t it written explicitly in the Torah: “You shall not take vengeance nor bear any grudge against the children of your people” (Leviticus 19:18)? The Gemara responds: That prohibition is written with regard to monetary matters and not personal insults, as it was taught in a baraita: What is revenge and what is bearing a grudge? Revenge is illustrated by the following example: One said to his fellow: Lend me your sickle, and he said: No. The next day he, the one who had refused to lend the sickle, said to the other person: Lend me your ax. If he said to him: I will not lend to you, just as you did not lend to me, that is revenge. And what is bearing a grudge? If one said to his fellow: Lend me your ax, and he said: No, and the next day he, the one who had refused to lend the ax, said to the other man: Lend me your robe; if the first one said to him: Here it is, as I am not like you, who would not lend to me, that is bearing a grudge. Although he does not respond to his friend’s inconsiderate behavior in kind, he still makes it known to his friend that he resents his inconsiderate behavior. This baraita shows that the prohibition relates only to monetary matters, such as borrowing and lending. The Gemara asks: But does the prohibition against vengeance really not relate also to matters of personal anguish suffered by someone? Wasn’t it taught in a baraita: Those who are insulted but do not insult others, who hear themselves being shamed but do not respond, who act out of love for God, and who remain happy in their suffering, about them the verse states: “They that love Him be as the sun when it goes forth in its might” (Judges 5:31). This baraita shows that one should forgive personal insults as well as wrongs in monetary matters.
אברהם בן אריה זאב ילין
משה בן שלמה אלעזר לוינסון
תִּתְנַהֵג תָּמִיד לְדַבֵּר כָּל דְּבָרֶיךָ בְּנַחַת, לְכָל אָדָם וּבְכָל עֵת, וּבַזֶּה תִּנָּצֵל מִן הַכַּעַס, שֶׁהִיא מִדָּה רָעָה לְהַחְטִיא בְּנֵי אָדָם
Accustom yourself to always speak all of your words calmly, to every man and at every time. In doing so you will prevent your anger from flaring, which is a bad attribute in a man which may cause him to sin.
Cardiovascular consequences of expressing, experiencing, and repressing anger
Aron Wolfe Siegman
Psychoanalytic theory's pathogenic view of repression gave rise to the widely held belief that the expression of anger is beneficial to mental and physical health. The present paper reviews a number of experimental and correlational studies which demonstrate that the full expression of anger, with its vocal manifestations, is associated with significant cardiovascular hyperreactivity. Furthermore, epidemiological studies indicate that such expressions of anger are also related to coronary heart disease (CHD) and to some physiological and hormonal changes that have been implicated in the pathophysiology of CHD. On the other hand, neither the mere experience of anger nor its repression has any of the above negative cardiovascular consequences, although the repression of anger seems to have other untoward health consequences.
וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:
judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor.
(משלי כד, ו) כי בתחבולות תעשה לך מלחמה א"ר אחא בר חנינא א"ר אסי א"ר יוחנן במי אתה מוצא מלחמתה של תורה במי שיש בידו חבילות של משנה
The Gemara presents another statement, citing Rabbi Aḥa, citing Rabbi Asi, citing Rabbi Yoḥanan. The verse states: “For by wise advice you shall make your war” (Proverbs 24:6). Rabbi Aḥa bar Ḥanina says that Rabbi Asi says that Rabbi Yoḥanan says: In whom do you find the war, i.e., the ability to engage in disputes, of Torah? In one who has in his possession bundles, i.e., vast knowledge, of Mishna. One must first learn the primary sources before engaging in disputes of Torah.